The ace up everyone's sleeve

he definitely fucks but there’s no way he fucks normal

someone said tumblr nuked this post, but I could never be so lucky.

Delivered in discreet packaging my ass.

hey whats with that sign

to the casual observer it may look like i'm trying to summon a demon but anyone who knows me will realize that i am simply calling my wife

The wife and the demon are the same person

The fact that these replies would mean wildly different thing had they been said on a different platform, such as Facebook, is absolutely hilarious

You guys ever see a DNI that makes you break out into laughter and almost cry

i had a twisted dream this morning when my alarm tried to wake me up where jeff goldblum said 'Actually if you sleep a bit Longer you'll have More time to get ready It's called the Goldblum's Law and it works just go back to sleep' and i believed him and i overslept

hey boss sorry im late. i got Goldblumed

I see from the notes that we're all havin a normal one 👍

imagine if doorways grew back like scabbed over with fresh drywall and you had to keep carving them back out with a jabsaw to keep the doorway clear etc

Imagine if the membranes recoiled in pain every time you did this. Imagine if over time, some doorways became accustomed sensation. Imagine that very rarely, some even seemed to enjoy it.

*sleepover host voice* imagine if you two went to sleep

Oh for gods sake kids it’s like piercing an ear - that’s why you put a doorframe in - you don’t hang a door in drywall, you gremlins. You frame the door. It’s like those gauges that people put in their ears - the hole stays. It won’t scab over with a doorframe in it. You’ve lived around doors you whole life, you little clowns. Lights out

Oh my goodness what an honor to be Calvin’s dad

reblog to disturb jk rowling

what do you mean there are exactly zero rats i. this post

"let me put this object some place obvious and inconvenient so im forced to deal with it" (grows around it like a tree root around a rock)

#baby i can ignore elephants in the room in ways you cannot imagine.

serious question: can anyone else see this post? am I hallucinating?

this is like Schrodinger’s fucking meme because half the time the pic is deleted and the other half it’s visible