We arrived first at the House of Lust. āHouseā is a misleading term. It was more of a camp, spread over acres and acres of lush forest. There was a white sandy beach (nude, of course) full of copulating couples. There were little cabins sprinkled all along the path, from which orgasmic moans regularly came belting out. Men with six pack abs and women with perky breasts strolled by without even noticing me and God. They only had eyes for each other, tickling and pinching each other with flirtatious giggles.
āWhat do you think?ā God asked as we passed a nineteen-way taking place in a pool of champagne. Little cherubs flitted overhead armed with mops and cleaning supplies, thankfully. āLust is our most popular sin.ā I eyed the supermodel-like figures of a couple passing nearby, and could easily see why. āYou can look however you want. Hell, you can be whatever gender you want. No fetish is too taboo, and no desire can be denied here.ā
It was quite tempting, but I wasnāt ready to make a permanent decision here. āLetās see the others,ā I told God.
We carried on to Greed. We passed rows and rows of mansions, each more opulent than the next. Some of them were so large that they would have had enough bed rooms to fit my entire hometown. And so many different styles: one second, we were in a beautiful French vineyard in front of a gorgeous chateau with the Alps in the background. The next second, a warm tropical beach with a modern mansion atop breathtaking cliffs. After that, a ski chalet in Colorado with a roaring fire in a hearth large enough to fit an ox. Each one had various Italian sports cars and Rolls Royces parked in front, with the occasional smattering of boats, helicopters, etc.
āAny material desire you ever wanted,ā God explained. āYour own world, where you can have everything. You want the Hope Diamond? You can fly to Washington DC in your own solid gold helicopter and buy it from the Smithsonian. Hell, you can just buy the Smithsonian.ā
Also tempting, but I decided to keep looking.
Gluttony was next up. Tables and tables of the very finest foods: beautiful steaks cooked medium rare; butter-poached lobster tail; fresh oysters on a half shell; exotic wines in dusty bottles that had been hiding in the cellars of the worldās finest restaurants. Everyone had a glass of champagne in hand and simply lounged on couches and chairs near the tables, eating endlessly. As soon as the inhabitants took a bite, the food just instantly came back. My mouth watered even watching them.
āIn every other House, the food is practically sawdust compared to Gluttony,ā God explained. āYou havenāt truly experienced heaven until youāve been to Gluttony.ā
I shook my head, and we kept moving.
Sloth was as youād expect. An endless sea of the softest mattresses, stacked with cushions and pillows that made the story of the princess and the pea seem minimalist. Little angels visited each resident, giving them massages that made them all melt into their blankets.
Wrath wasā¦ well, a lot like what Iād expect Hell to be like. Fire, brimstone, whips, torture.. you know, the works. Except here, you werenāt the one being tortured. Every enemy youād ever made in your real life was now under your thumb. āLots of people choose their fathers,ā God explained. āLots of grudges against parents in general, you know. But youāre not limited to that. Someone beat you out for a big promotion back on Earth? Take your pound of flesh here.ā
Then we arrived at Envy. It lookedā¦ well, a lot like home.
āGo on in,ā God said, gesturing toward the door. I turned the knob and walked inā¦ and found Emily waiting inside. She ran forward, wrapped her arms around my neck, and planted a kiss right on my lips. āWelcome home, honey.ā
I looked back toward God. āOh, donāt be coy,ā he said. āYou have no secrets from me. We all know that you were in love with your best friendās wife.ā She didnāt seem to hear him at all; she went back into the hall. āWe all know that you just settled for your own wife while secretly pining after her. Well, this is your chance to live happily ever after.ā
I peered into the kitchen. Emily was baking something, wearing nothing but an apron. Her curly black hair fell softly over her shoulder as she whisked ingredients. She turned back, noticed I was observing her, and an enthusiastic smile spread across her face.
āItās what youāve always wanted, isnāt it?ā God whispered in my ear.
I wanted to take it. God damn did I want to take it. But I shook my head.
God seemed puzzled. āYou need to make a decision,ā he told me.
āI havenāt seen Pride yet.ā
He scoffed. āNo one ever wants Pride, trust me.ā
āWell, I want to see it.ā
_________________________
Pride was boring. Just a row of workbenches in a bare white room.
āI donāt get it,ā I told God.
āYeah, no one does,ā he answered. āThatās why no one ever chooses it. Doesnāt cavorting in Lust sound better than sitting here building little trinkets for the rest of eternity? Wouldnāt you rather gorge yourself in Gluttony? Or spend time with Emily in Envy?ā
I considered the options again. āI pick Pride,ā I finally told him.
He narrowed his eyes. āWhat? Look at it!ā He gestured around the room again. There wasnāt much to look at. āWhy would you choose this for the rest of time?ā
āBecause you donāt want me to pick it,ā I told him. If he was really God, heād know what a contrarian I can be. And I knew he was hiding something, trying to pretend like Pride didnāt exist. There was something special about it.
God scowled back. āFine.ā He led me over to one of the workbenches. In the center, there was a black space. A blank, empty void that went on forever. āHereās your universe,ā he said. āYouāve got seven days to get started.ā He took his seat at the bench next to me and went back to tinkering in his own world. After a long pause, he finally spoke again: āYou know, it might be nice for me to actually have some company for once.ā
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