I am totally going to change this later.

It's not a theory. I have not yet put it through the rigorous testing required to classify it as such, but I think it holds up to scrutiny.

Deep down, transphobes think all those in possession of a penis are rapists. Even (perhaps especially) when those transphobes are in fact penis-havers themselves.

Let me explain.

The majority of the transphobia I (a cisgender man, so admittedly not the best sample) see is almost exclusively directed against transgender women (or transfemme nonbinary people). I have rarely, if ever, seen people calling for transgender men to be kept out of men's bathrooms or men's sports. I don't think I have ever seen anyone claim a transgender man is going to "trans" their kids (because that's apparently a verb now).

That's weird, right? I'm not weird for thinking that's weird?

Anyway, that got me to thinking: why? Why is this most of what I see in regards to transphobia? Is it transmisogyny? Or is there perhaps a more elegant explanation?

Why would trans-exclusionary radical feminists (or, for short, shitheads), so-called "alpha males" (or, for short, shitheads), and the hyper-religious "Christian" evangelicals (or, for short, shitheads) all seemingly independently have identical problems with transfeminine people? Why would all of them be so concerned about the safety of women's bathrooms, the sanctity of women's sports, sexual encounters with women, and won't somebody think of the children?

And then it hit me: dick.

Right in the face.

All of these shitheads, deep down in their cold, black, unfeeling hearts, genuinely believe that having a schlong means you are potentially, if not inevitably, a sexual predator. Some of them may even frame this belief with a little qualifier: that it is only those of "deviant lifestyles" who are inevitably sexual predators, but that's disingenuous bullshit. I'm 100% certain that a not insignificant number of these people post a transphobic tirade to social media just before putting on the gimp mask in preparation for the pegging session, or whatever their kinks may be. Everybody's fucking deviant in some way, so nobody's truly deviant.

Now, keep in mind that I'm not saying we men should support trans people because transphobes secretly think we're all barely-contained sexual predators. This isn't some kind of treatise to justify supporting trans people. We should all support trans people because they're fucking people.

As we now know, the real reason most transphobic diatribes are directed towards trans women is because a shadowy cabal of pedophilic billionaire sex criminals wanted to make it easier to sex traffic trans women so they could occasionally partake of some lady dick if the mood so struck them.

How the fuck was anyone supposed to guess that shit? That sounds too outlandish to be true, and yet...

And now, despite this revelation, ass-backwards governments around the fucking globe are still pushing anti-trans legislation to make it easier for the shadowy cabal of pedophilic billionaire sex criminals to sex traffic vulnerable trans women.

OCEAN May one explain what powdered milk doth be? Is it not gas? I live in constant fear.

NOT DEAD The water flees to air, the rest is left. The dry debris then forms the powdered milk.

OCEAN Thou sayest water doth reside in milk?

NOT DEAD Pray tell what thou believ’st the liquid is?

OCEAN Is milk not one pure substance in itself?

NOT DEAD No; ‘tis only milk-stuff mixed with water.

OCEAN Yet milk appears from living cows’ own tits!

NOT DEAD ‘Tis juice from tits, yet water still it holds. If water be in juice, then ‘tis in milk.

Enter DERIN, the scarlet pescatarian.

DERIN ‘Tis drops of fat afloat in water, As if ‘twas dressing for thy greens. With water gone, the powdered milk remains.

A NOTE attached to an arrow, written by BURNING BRAND, flies through the window.

BURNING BRAND’S NOTE Obsessed with he who foolishly believ’d That milk is element of chemistry.

The NOTE crumbles to ash. BURNING BRAND is not seen again.

OCEAN As he who instigated such a fight, I felt that this creation was my duty.

OCEAN unrolls a scroll of parchment with a flourish.

OCEAN Behold, ‘tis milk, one hundred and nineteen.

Enter JASON FUNDER BERKER, a frog.

JASON FUNDER BERKER And yet the burning question still remains: ‘Tis metal, not, or somewhere in between?

JASON FUNDER BERKER does not wait to hear the answer, and exits.

DERIN A lanthinide! A special case, I see. How fascinating, geometrically.  But let us leave atomic musings be. For milk is a rare metal of our Earth.

OCEAN Of course it is, for I am always right. My choices are, of course, deliberate.

DERIN I do not doubt thou speakest truth, my lord Thy brilliant mind is utterly unmatch’d. It seems that an agreement has been reach’d.

OCEAN Of course; however, in sincerity I wish to know thy scholar-driven thoughts.

DERIN I fear ‘twould be beyond thy comprehension. To teach to thee would take this much too far.

Exit OCEAN, in a huff. Enter JESIN, BOOP BOOP, FLIPOCRITE, VELVET, and LOVELY DREAMS, curious onlookers attracted to the scene.

JESIN Do teach us, it would not take this too far!

DERIN Ye all complain of learning strangely, Then ask me baiting questions such as this!

BOOP BOOP Thy gross ineptitude shall be my death! Milk is formed of small component parts. The fat, the sugars, proteins all combine They seep through pores of membranes in this drink Unpleasant compounds all are filter’d out. All this obtained for small amounts of coin.

DERIN No, milk is lanthanide, pray keep the pace.

FLIPOCRITE The word thou mean’st is lactanide, I think.

DERIN May sharpened pain-shaped stones fill up thy shoes So that thou never know’st a moment’s peace.

VELVET A cube of milk, three inches on each side Could blow up the entire galaxy.

DERIN Our galaxy was formed in such a fashion. ‘Tis why we gave it name of “Milky Way.”

LOVELY DREAMS Thus ends our entertainment for the night Here fools and pompous scholars come to fight.

Exuent, pursued by a cow.

Btw best language to sing in? Italian, hands down. Best language to speak, German hands down. Best for poetry though? Honestly English, because we have so many different words for the same fucking things, even if most of them are stolen, that means when you’re painting in English you have a bigger pallette.

Like, US creators go “Oh, nobody will take the monster in our popcorn blockbuster seriously if it’s not another Grey Bioluminescent Retromammal Product” whereas in Japan it’s like “In our serious meditation on paranoia and escapism in Japanese society, we decided to make the final monster a giant cartoon dog made of human hate.”

“Why did the chicken cross the road?” is neither a commentary on a multitude of unfunny jokes nor a pun on death. It’s simply an anti-joke that seeks to subvert the audience’s expectation of a humorous punchline by substituting a simple statement of fact.

It’s the exact same formula behind “What do you call a black guy with a medical license? A doctor[, you racist].”