The Six American Political Factions
Progressives: American society has never been perfect but right now it is fracturing along the lines of wealth inequality. We need a strong government that actually represents the will of the people in order to abolish (or at least contain) the evils of capitalism and kick billionaire donors out of government affairs.
Conservatives: Capitalism may or may not be perfect but it is certainly the best economic system to serve the people. America is a meritocracy in which the rich are rich because they deserve to be, and the poor are poor because they ought to be. We are a small (and shrinking) demographic but it doesn’t matter because America uses a two-party system and we control one of them. That means we hold every vote to our left hostage, and it’s in their best interest to keep us in office so things don’t slide further to the right (not that it matters; with their compliance we have the majority so we can balance it back out next time). In the meantime, it serves our interests if people keep referring to us and the progressives as a singular entity (whether “Democrats” or “liberals”). We believe that the only place to pull any more votes from is from the regressives. There is no one else worth our notice.
Regressives (capitalist): Capitalism serves the people best with zero government interference. Labor law, consumer safety, and environmental sustainability are modern inconveniences to be abolished at the first opportunity. What’s good for the rich is good for the poor because it all trickles down eventually (lol).
Regressives (religious): Our great Christian nation is a de facto meritocracy because God says so. Those who are suffering are meant to suffer and must not be relieved of that suffering. Likewise, those in power have been rewarded by divine favor. All social change and progress is evil because the status quo is the will of God, which shall not be denied. Godlessness is the root of all suffering, and America needs to return to its Christian roots to be worthy of salvation. We will not even vote or take action to help ourselves (besides proselytizing and being a general nuisance), because our suffering is the crucible by which we are tested and found worthy of our eternity in Paradise. We are not a death cult because we believe in eternal life.
Regressives (fascist): Fascist ideology is based on aggrieved entitlement. Everything that follows is loosely cobbled and often paradoxical justification for intense bigotry against the weak and marginalized (the specifics of which are subject to change at a moment’s notice). Not so much a coherent ideology as a will to power among the dominant socioeconomic class and those who think they are (or could be) part of it. They are powerful believers in law and order, if only to subjugate those they see as subhuman (this group does in fact contain white women, depending on who you ask). In contrast to the laissez-faire capitalist regressives, fascist regressives prefer a powerful, overreaching government for the purposes of surveillance, intimidation, and control of both people and information. They have a proud history and just want to make sure they’re the only ones who can tell it (interestingly, most of this history seems to be returning to some imaginary past which no one can agree on).
The Alienated: Government and politics are neither important nor effective enough to be worth staying informed about. We are often difficult to reach because we are either insulated from mainstream media or have otherwise tuned it out entirely as “everyone lies, everyone is untrustworthy, everything is corrupt”. Things are bad and are getting worse. Democrats used to say they would help and then they didn’t, now they just say “We’re not Republican” like that’s supposed to mean anything to us. Republicans say they’ll help and it’s not really clear what they do but it sure makes the Democrats mad. There is no political party that effectively represents the will of the people. Our values likely lean left but our understanding of how the government works probably leans right. Vote for the anti-incumbent to “shake up the establishment”. Or don’t. It doesn’t matter because – on the small scale which is easily observable to an uneducated and uninformed citizen – it has never made any noticeable or memorable difference. We are a difficult group to evaluate because our votes are cast or discarded on a whim, are easily miscounted as votes from a different faction, and are frequently left entirely out of mainstream political analysis. And yet, we are the largest American political faction and the easiest to pull voters from – and also the easiest to lose voters to.
