Cult Child

In battle, small platoons take hold positions. Their leaders converse and strategize. It is neither a battle they plan to fight nor a war they wish to start. It will be a complete conquering, and this must be a smooth sweep.

Such things are not decided upon quickly. Every angle is inspected thoroughly and repeatedly. This takes skill and strategy. The aim is to hold awareness of the whole.…

I loved you like water like the grass like liquid mercury inside of blown glass

i loved you like soft snow and meditations, like you were the chosen one.

i loved you inside cages on rooftops where lilies grew through rock quarries.

i loved you innocently like lambs, openly like rain clouds demanding the sun come out i loved you.

i loved you like disease accustomed to, like rabid dog bites oozing…

I sit in the silence of a million swirling thoughts. I don’t accept this separation, and I chew on the assumptions like they are the last supper.

I see ghosts pass me, they flatter me by choice; their words swirling like raindrops that make my hair moist.

I am alive with decisions as the voices whisper, calling me to stay on path, ”don’t get side tracked.”, and I listen intently.

I kneel beside a…

Why Writing and Living My Cause Is One Of the Most Important Things I Do

When I was a small girl and well into puberty, I lived an abused, contained life through which I was disallowed any individual choice or voice.  As I grew into my early preteen and teenage years, I found secret ways to write small poems and release emotions I needed to purge.  In the Alaskan tundra, down off of Richardson Highway, on a cult compound, deep inside forests of evergreen trees, are…

Swaddle Your Heart With Truth

Where do I go when I float?

Away from the frayed tentacles

Of memories and ligaments,

Strained from twisting, turning,

Child, they said, this hurts me

More than it hurts you. No.

I go back to moments and sit,

Quiet inside the hopelessness it’s

Good to remember this; to never forget

Lest I leave behind the reasons why

I fight until my brows ache.

You got lucky if you didn’t get raped.

It takes the…

#MondayBlogs "Nature and Love Are Crucial To My Mental Health" by @VennieKocsis #SurvivorVoices #Nature @BadReadheadMedia #MondayWisdom #PopularBlogs

I am heady from the smell of ocean. I walk slowly to the vast, rolling surges of white foam.  My son, the cinematographer, snaps photos of my bliss, following silently as I dance and skip. Life becomes different when I am with the sea. It is humbling for me. It is reminding me that I am small within the realm of infinite reality.

I am surrounded by my family. Babies toddle about, smashing sand…

“You loved me,” I said, “when I was at my lowest. Yet, I didn’t quite know you were loving me. I was in tears so many days. You held me. Together we traveled the tunnels of rewound memories, finding ourselves sometimes on clouds and others in quagmire. Through these times, these deep struggles, you were always there, even when I wasn’t aware of your presence. Now, as I look into your eyes, clear…

#MondayBlogs "Balancing Our Trauma and Creativity" by @VennieKocsis #blogs #popularblogs @MondayBlogs

The other day I was having a conversation with a fellow trauma survivor and writer. She posed a question to me.

“How do you balance everything you want to do and keep your head together?”

There are many blogs about creativity which advise on this subject, and many of them contain very valuable information.  So, I had to answer her from my own personal perspective.  Instead of repeating what is…

‘Hey, V, don’t forget me when you reach the top.”

The top of what? The top of the end of child rape? The top of the Eiffel Tower? The top of the end of mentally ill people creating more and more victims? The top of my bed to get out of it on a Tuesday morning to drag myself to counseling? The top of the next chapter of a book taking years to write? The top of making it to a conference to educate…

You are a different kind

Of damaged, chaotic mind

Confused you use words

As projection swords and

I see the hurt behind the eyes

The reflection as your soul dies

Lie by lie by lie; the ones you

Tell yourself are true so you

Have a good enough excuse

To dart the arrows with no regard

Of the blood flown from hearts

Torn apart by your anger and

My mind says danger. Danger.

There is pain too deep to…

I didn’t know they could exist. I had seen signs of what I thought might be a mixture of two states of being which are on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. So, it was that I began to observe what I call the Narcissistic Empath to see if I could find a pattern in this type of human.

As I have observed over the years, a pattern which emerged for me was something new and undefinable. It…

Babies are born to mothers

Who smother their faces

With kisses so in later years

They can reminisce about

The times they were loved,

Smile at pictures and haircuts

Remember what is; what was.

This distant, unknown feeling,

A Daughter to a host,

I cannot connect my soul,

Never recall the soft

Loving arms of her; she is

Fog wisps blowing distant

Narcissistic and wounded.

Not everything on this…

#MondayBlogs "Boundaries: Enacting Them With Empowerment" by @VennieKocsis via @MondayBlogs #Boundaries #SurvivorVoices #Empowerment

It’s no secret that I have a tumultuous past. From time in jail to extreme sexual misuse of my body to behavioral problems, I have run the course of self-destruction, projection, being attached to petty dramas and other avenues of self harming, trauma based personality traits.

I am purposefully open about my past.  I want people to know they are not alone. I want people to know they do not have…

“Redirection” by @VennieKocsis via #VennieWrites #SurvivorVoices #MondayBlogs @MondayBlogs

Sometimes things in life make me pause and focus on redirection. Being a creative and a passionate Pisces, I can easily become side tracked into projects which aren’t necessarily meant for me.

I can be like a hound dog, occasionally distracted by attractive scents, sniffing successfully until something redirects me.

Technology has changed me. It has created a false sense of urgency which has…

I will grow up to become battered and bruised by the men I would choose.

“Rise of Sila” book cover – coming soon!

As I’m writing “Rise of Sila”, the sequel to “Cult Child“, which details my transition as a teenager from growing up in a cult, to adjusting with American culture, the many ways in which I was conditioned by my child sexual abuse is coming out in deeper ways.

Excerpt from “Rise of Sila”: “I feel confused and lost.  Boys come to school all the time with…