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Gender, Socialization, and Covert NPD

Narcissism is usually recognized only when it is loud, disruptive, or socially inconvenient. Because of that, narcissism that has been trained to be quiet often goes completely unnoticed. This is especially true for people socialized as female, where narcissistic traits are not eliminated, but rerouted into socially acceptable forms.

From early childhood, female socialization emphasizes agreeableness, emotional fluency, self-criticism, resilience, and low maintenance behavior. These traits are rewarded socially and often necessary for survival in environments where assertiveness or entitlement is punished. In that context, narcissism does not disappear; it adapts.

It isn't a specific diagnosis that makes people think a mentally ill person is a ticking time bomb, it's the mere presence of a mental illness that doesn't keep you shackled to your bedsheets.

You honestly proved my point here by saying what you said, specifically that this is a universal mental health experience. Though, I completely agree.

Let me explain.

I have PTSD, Autism and other disorders that are comorbid with NPD. I have such specific trauma from being Autistic that I feel like my whole life I've been seen as a weirdo or assumed to be shitty because of my awkwardness. This trauma caused me to develop an unhealthy defense mechanism of feeling the need to prove myself constantly. It completely broke my ego and the way I view myself is distorted. The highs and lows are nothing like BPD or CPTSD as in these moments I don't fear abandonment, but I fear myself. The fear can consume you to the point where you do act out and unintentionally hurt others because rose colored glasses make you believe it's right until you take them off. Having to battle that deep insecurity to make sure you don't hurt others not only drives you crazy, but drives everyone else crazy and it causes a loop until you take action to change.

You're probably thinking, "so many people experience that too". True. Completely true. Exactly. But why do you absolutely need to point that out? Why is it necessary to have a comparison? You're making the assumption that I am saying this is ONLY a narcissistic experience which that'd be whack as hell

This is where my point is proven. You're reading my post about experiences I've had as a mentally ill person, but assume in bad faith just because I mentioned my NPD. That is why I made the post in the first place. It's just a different way of experiencing a trauma we share

Other folks are treated very similarly like u mentioned, but if they were to mention their specific disorder within said experience you wouldn't say anything, right? Unless you'd have the same attitude towards someone else (which tbh I don't understand bc everyone has unique experiences w this so being open about what disorder it stems from is fine)

If I removed the word narcissist, what would it change?

The stigma doesn't come from our unwillingness to change. The stigma comes from people associating us with abusers that have an unwillingness to change. And then you call us out for victim blaming when we're just spreading awareness on outdated terminology, not invalidating your abuse

I want you to think about your own words for a second. Think about your hypocrisy.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder doesn't equal abuse in any way, that's basically every mental illness, disorder, disability, ot lack there of. Anyone can be abusive. Some asshole (not you) just decided one day to use our disorder to label an abusers self centeredness and everyone just ran with it like it didn't hurt anyone.

Also I wanted to point out "they frequently seek therapy to validate their narcissism rather than treat it" is such a WILD take like yes people do go to therapy to get a diagnosis? And the reason it gets untreated is bc there's literally no treatment for us. It's only stigma. I've been told I'm not a narcissist bc I'm not abusive so I couldn't even get treatment if I tried. I'm in recovery on my own because I don't want to hurt others. I wish I had resources to make the process easier. That perspective is just rooted in ignorance, blaming the disordered person instead of the system

Idk what "demanding recognition for it" means either like. Yeah I would like to be seen as a good person and validated for putting in effort damn 😭 I'm not gonna beg for forgiveness like a sopping wet pathetic yt Republican

Before I get into this topic, here's a content warning. If it helps you feel safe to vilify and dehumanize people with narcissistic behaviors, then you may want to skip this post. I'm here to humanize people, including people with NPD! (And neurotypicals too but that's a topic for another day)

If a compassionate understanding of what causes narcissistic behaviors is likely to trigger you, you can stop reading here. Debate is not welcome on this page: you're of course welcome to disagree, in your own space.

So, why do so many Autistic people have narcissistic parents? Why do narcissistic traits seem more common in families that also have Autism, ADHD, & HSP neurotypes?

My response: Narcissism is a misguided defense mechanism against overwhelm. NPD is a form of C-PTSD. Narcissistic behaviors can often conceal other forms of neurodivergence.

Parents of Autistics are extremely likely to be Autistic or ADHD themselves because of genetics. I have SO MANY ND peers who have narcissistic parents who are undiagnosed Autistics.

Most people who learned to use narcissistic strategies to feel safe are themselves Autistic, ADHD, or some other form of sensitive neurotype. People who are not as neurally sensitive don't experience such severe reactions to lack of control.

A common core wound in this trauma pattern is experiencing emotional abandonment throughout childhood while having external needs abundantly met. Sensitive ND children who have everything they need EXCEPT emotional connection and co-regulation tend to develop either BPD or NPD depending on their socialization and predisposition.

To use a popular example, Trump grew up with unsupported ADHD and an abusive father, so he learned to use extreme control of others to feel safe. Narcissistic behaviors are subconsciously triggered fight responses that are typically aimed at controlling relational or sensory environments.

To be clear, saying it's a trauma response does not excuse harm! If we hurt someone in a fight response, we are still responsible. If our trauma responses are harming people, we must seek help to integrate the trauma response.

"Narcissists can't heal" is a myth that comes from the fact that the resources necessary for a narcissistic person to heal do not yet exist in most of the world. People with NPD CAN heal if they are supported enough to learn how to use other strategies for building safety in their nervous system. Most professionals refuse clients who have this diagnosis because they aren't trained well enough to be able to help without becoming targets for harmful behavior themselves.

The complex trauma explanation of NPD is one that I learned from ND people who have a NPD diagnosis, are aware of their patterns, and are trying to heal but face enormous challenges around accessing help. "Nothing about us without us" applies to people with NPD as much as any other form of neurodivergence.

Occasionally, people who have experienced relational abuse get really mad at me for saying that people with NPD are neurodivergent or that their lived experience perspective is valuable just like any other group within the neurodivergent umbrella.

I believe stigmatization of narcissistic behaviors actually perpetuates the social conditions necessary for narcissism to thrive. It has been really helpful for my own healing to separate the abuse I experienced from the innate neurodivergence of the people who hurt me.

An important clarification! Boundaries are essential. Having compassion for someone's pain does NOT mean I should stick around and allow myself to be harmed. We can understand that people hurt others because they have been hurt while also refusing to allow harm to continue. I am not suggesting that people need to accept or forgive their abusers. Also, if someone has hurt you, regardless of the reason, you are never responsible for helping them heal. Just because someone CAN heal under the right circumstances with the right support doesn't mean you need to be part of that journey. Your compassion and empathy is beautiful, but it needs to be directed towards protecting yourself, not towards excusing or condoning harm.

Boundary: Please do not post specific details about experiences of abuse. It is triggering to others reading along and I am not qualified to hold space for that.

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💫 My year-long mini course, 50 Vagus Exercises in a Year, is still open for enrollment! We started in February and the course runs through January 2026. We have 14 recorded sessions so far and 10 remaining classes in the series. This is a monthly vagus exercise class, a monthly Q&A, and my book-in-progress, The Nervous System Study Guide, distributed one chapter at a time as I write it.

I am the last person who will ever defend Charlie Kirk. I am a young trans man with, well, a brain.

However, I find people are putting far too much emphasis on the concept of empathy, and this quote by him in particular:

While I understand peoples' assumption that empathy and good will are inherently intertwined, this is inherently an ableist rhetoric.

Many people, particularly neurodivergent people on the autism spectrum or with personality disorders such as NPD and ASPD, experience little to no empathy. This does not make them bad people, and this is not what made Charlie Kirk a bad person.

Empathy is a feeling. That is all. It is experiencing the feelings that others are having, and it is the ability to "put yourself in peoples' shoes." It is also a spectrum. Some have high empathy, some have average, some have little, some have none.

Empathy is NOT sympathy. Empathy is NOT compassion. Empathy is NOT the willingness to do good. It is merely a feeling.

You can often not tell when a person doesn't experience empathy, because they do enough good that you wouldn't think to put the "unempathetic" label on them. Many people do good because just they want people to like them, or they want to feel like a good person, or they have to force themselves to, and that is valid. That is okay. It doesn't change the fact that the good deed was done.

I can't quite find it (correct me if I'm wrong), but there's a Jewish proverb where a man goes to his Rabbi to tell him that he wishes to build an orphanage. However, later, he came back, and told him he was no longer going to do so, because he would be doing it in order to feed his ego. To that, the Rabbi told him, "The orphans don't care why you're housing them! They care that you're housing them!"

Just like this, empathetic people do horrible things all the time. Think of the ableism so-called "empaths" push upon people every day. Empathetic people murder, manipulate, abuse, etc. You don't have to be an "evil unempathetic monster" to hurt people. Empathy can help, but it is not the end-all-be-all of what makes you a good person or not.

So, Charlie Kirk spread horrific, disgusting rhetoric that actively threatened and continues to threaten the lives of LGBTQ+ people, BIPOC, Gazans, people capable of childbirth, etc.

That is what made him a bad person. Not his lack of empathy. He reaped what he sowed.

made a venn diagram showcasing the differences and similarities of npd and bpd, please tell me if i got anything wrong :>

got my sources mostly from: