Interviewer: So, how are your core competencies?
Candidate: Bad. I have at least once slipped up.
The interviewer's eyebrows raise, and he marks something down on his clipboard.
Interviewer: Are you aware that this job requires being on your feet for several hours a day?
Interviewer: Please state the weight of clothing that you would be unable to wear, for the duration of a 12 hour shift.
Candidate: I couldn't handle 50 pounds.
Interviewer: Oh no, no, I can set your mind at ease. We're well funded. The helmets are a little bulky, but the shirt is chain. The whole ensemble is maybe, oh, 15 pounds. Nobody ever attacks, anyway.
Candidate: That's a shame.
The interviewer gives the candidate a strange look. Then he lets out a brief aspiration, nods quietly, and returns to the clipboard.
Interviewer: Work well on a team of two?
Candidate: I have fewer than ten years of experience of doing so.
Interviewer: And what were you doing before this?
Candidate: I wasn't one of two henchmen for a warlord, one of whom was tall and skinny and the other short and fat, that's for sure.
The interviewer studies the candidate's physique for a moment, trying to determine from a seated position whether this neither-skinny-nor-fat guy is tall.
Candidate: I was the fat one.
Interviewer: You understand that you'd have to rein in the repartee for this role, yes?
Candidate: I refuse to do this.
Interviewer: Can you be a little clearer?
Candidate: I will speak out of turn.
Interviewer: Perfect. Really all I needed. Well, seems like the serum is working great, no signs of allergy, so as far as I'm concerned, you can start today. Any questions for me?
The candidate shifts in his seat, and clears his throat.
Candidate: What if they ask me if there's a God?
The interview frowns at his clipboard. He hasn't been interviewing for this role for very long, and his predecessor didn't leave very good notes. He clears his throat.
Candidate: What if they ask me what the other guy wouldn't say, if they asked him the meaning of life? Or if they ask me if they should get married to each other, if it's a couple?
The interviewer interjects, still rifling through his notes.
Interviewer: We almost never get couples.
Candidate: What if they ask me whether good or evil is greater on balance, or whether there is greater beauty in the sunset or sunrise, or how best to live?
Interviewer: Oh come on. That last one's easy. Just tell them to drink cyanide every morning, or to burn down their own house every night.
Candidate: The gap between is and ought is so easily crossed.
Interviewer: Oh, I don't know. Just tell them you know the answer.
As he says this, the interviewer finds the place in his notes that says that this role must not demur in such a way.
Interviewer: Scratch that. Come on, man. They won't ask any of that. They'll ask about the doors. They know you're not, like, an oracle.
Candidate: I didn't go to oracle school.
The interviewer and candidate exchange a look, as if to say to each other, well of course you're here, then, applying for this might as well be minimum wage role in the middle of nowhere, because both know the job prospects for a typical graduate of oracle school.
Interviewer: Oh, actually, it's right here. The first time a question is off topic, you're supposed to be silent. The second time a booming voice will warn them to stay on topic. The third time you still aren't supposed to answer, but it counts as their question and they have to guess with no information.
Candidate: Great. Sorry for the trouble.
Interviewer: Oh come on, don't be like that. Do you want the job or not?
They shake hands, and the candidate reports to his post that very day. A band of adventurers arrives not long after.
"One of these guards always tells the truth," a voice booms out to greet them, "and the other..."
amandla
titsay
vaporwave
