I DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY

driving my chevy to the levee today

what the fuck

when you have a hammer everything looks like a guy you could kill with a hammer

I got a job at a gas station across from a casino and a guy keeps coming in to buy whole cartons of cigarettes and talks in the third person calling himself "snake eyes pete" and every time I tell him his total hes like "tell ya what if old Pete rolls a snake eyes why dont you give it to him for free?" and he rolls the same set of loaded dice on the counter and it does not matter how many times he rolls snake eyes I will not give him the cartons for free he gets so mad

I want everyone to see this section of a mostly unredacted judgement I’ve been reading. Mostly it’s fine, but occasionally they have to X out a word or a profit margin or something. But then I encountered paragraph of the year.

the four horsemen if the apocalypse was chill

fuckkkkkk I cleared the time loop first try

Upon hearing this, the student became enlightened.

big tshirt that says MY INTERPRETATIONS MUST HAVE A STRONG BASIS IN THE SOURCE MATERIAL on the front and THIS IS FUN TO ME on the back

“God is dead” -Zendaya

Zendaya is Nietzsche???

made my bath too slippery and did a barrel roll trying to get out of the tub

tell them what you did in the other bathtub

made my bath too full and beautiful and luxurious and flooded the bathroom and hallway with approximately five to six gallons of soapy water after i sat my ass in it 😔

failed to mention that this was at our free hotel with a huuuuge garden bathtub. i heard *plop* "i fucked up" got up and came running only to see a river running under the door

taking a bath is NOT like riding a bike! at all!