[crashing noises]

The cleanomorph

my burlesque dancer girlfriend who looks likes ramona flowers takes off my punk adventure time shirt and my cool jeans, my cool siracha underpants showing right below my chest hair, which i shaved so it looks like dark vader from star warps. my burlesque dancer girlfriend kisses my cool beard which i condition with siracha hot sauce and organic mousse from trader joes. were cool and indie and this is what indie sex is like.

All fantasy authors wish they had a bigger bathtub in their house. You can tell by every bathing scene ever written into a fantasy novel

the Cc in emails stands for Cuck chair

in retrospect my father was kind of iconic for how he handled it when he called someone a twat in front of little kid me and i asked what that word meant. the answer he came up with was, and i’ll always remember this, “no one knows what it means. it’s a mystery”

ooh thank god

not naming names but some of you are so creative and talented it's an honor to have you in my phone

still fuckin hate that “bee-free honey” that’s made from……… apples. bitch who you think sexed up those apples

A farmer, by hand and with love and care

wild bees still sexin em up when he’s not looking

old mccuckhold had a farm it seems

i haaate when ppl are talking abt mammal colouration and they bring up mandrills but not vervet monkeys.... fake fans

Let me examine closer *my eyes turn purple and blaze with spiritual power* oh yeah no that's an egret not a heron, it's got black legs