Vertumna's Special Boy

Sol takes in a deep breath of fresh air as they leave Engineering.

They've been a tutor for a long time now, but they've been getting worse and worse lately. Most people are understanding of this. Their younger students are actually quite happy that they get a chance to goof off when they should be studying.

Hal's probably going to ask them to step down any day now. Worse, he might even suggest that someone tutors them. As much as they loathe the idea of that happening, they can't deny that leaving Engineering has a certain appeal to it.

They've been improving bit by bit lately, at the very least. They're still not good enough to keep their job, though…

Getting better is weird when they don't remember what they were like at their worst. People don't like talking about it and they don't like prying. It'd be helpful to have some kind of reference, though.

They've beeen thinking about transfering to Expeditions fulltime, anyway. Sure, they get lost sometimes, but doesn't everyone? If Utopia had a problem with this, she'd have told them already. So far, she's been very understanding, and encourages them to take it easy.

They're not really friends with any of the other surveyors (other than Sym, who always helps them find their way back to the colony), but they don't mind. It's quite nice, actually.

Sometimes, they think about transfering to Geoponics instead. Shovelling dirt doesn't sound half bad. They don't like the idea of seeing their parents more often than they already do, though, for reasons that they prefer not to dwell on.

There's always Command, but if they can't handle Engineering, they probably won't handle that, either… and, as much as they like tutoring, they can't imagine working with children fulltime.

With their shoulders slumped, they head towards their quarters. There's nothing they want more right now than to burrow in their bed and sleep through the rest of the day.

They jump a bit as their holopalm buzzes. What is it this time?

Basorexia: heyyy! you're off work now, right? wanna hang out?

Sol sighs. As much as they love Rex, they can't imagine they'd be very fun to hang out with right now.

But… they could use a distraction. Being alone won't do them any good right now. They know Rex well enough by now to know that he won't mind that they're a bit boring.

Solanine: holovid ok? Basorexia: 💯 Solanine: meet me at mine

Despite everything, a smile creeps up on their face. They start walking faster, hoping to change into something more comfortable before he comes over.

---

Sol rests their head against Rex's shoulder, basking in his warmth. He has an arm wrapped around them. They ended up watching a comedy they've both seen too many times to count. They're pretty sure that the producers didn't mean for it to be a comedy, but that just makes it so much better.

If anything good came out of the last year or so, it's that they can watch things for the first time again. It makes the limited library feel that much grander.

They're about halfway through it when they doze off. For the first time in a long time, they dream.

Panic immediatly overwhelms them.

Before they can so much as think, their dream overwhelms them. Nausea floods their senses. They feel a sharp pang of pain at the back of their head and wake up.

That… was fast. It couldn't have been more than a few minutes. Is that how dreams always are? They quickly check the time, hoping not to disturb Rex (when did he fall asleep?) and find that three hours have passed.

… What? How?

Cold sweat runs down Sol's back. They're supposed to be getting better. Not worse. That's what the surgery was for, wasn't it? If they're not better, then… what was it for..?

They need to tell Instance, or at least their parents. They should. But they'd have to go back to Engineering for more tests, wouldn't they? How much time would they waste there this time..?

Their dream wasn't even all that bad, really! So, they don't need to report it. Nothing happened in it, right? It was just about… what was it about..? What did they dream about?

The more they try to remember, the more their head aches.

It's been mere seconds, but they're already painfully aware that they remember nothing about the dream. There's an awful gap in their mind, like someone reached inside and ripped something out and didnt even bother filling the empty space in.

Why now? They've been doing so good. Sure, they'll have to quit tutoring, but that's only momentary. They'll go back to that job someday… but what if they can't? What if they never get better? What if this is how it'll be for the rest of their life?

No. They're being ridiculous. It's only been one dream. They don't need to report this. No one has to know. This is just a one time thing.

They run their hands through their hair, taking a deep breath. This is fine. Really, isn't it good that they don't remember what they dreamt of? That means the surgery worked! This is how it's supposed to be. So, they can go back to sleep and stop worrying about this.

"… Sol?"

Oh, that's right. Rex is here. In all their worrying, they forgot.

"Sorry, I- um..?" Sol's surprised by how weak their voice sounds. "I didn't mean to wake you up. Go back to sleep."

He looks up at them, rubbing at his eyes, eyebrows furrowed. "Woah, hey. Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

Much to their dismay, he sits up. Concern spreads across his face. They're not being that obvious, are they? The last thing they want to do right now is worry him.

"Really, I'm fine. My head just hurts, that's all."

"It must really hurt since you're crying." He reaches out and holds their hand, "Shaking, too. Do you wanna go see Instance? I can go with you."

Ah..?

They rub their eyes with their free hand, startled to find that they're wet. How didn't they notice this? They take a deep breath, trying to steady themself.

What should they tell him? They've talked about their delusions with him before, but they've always skirted around the topic. It's not that they don't trust him. It's just… god, what can they say? He's already offering to take them to see Instance, all because of a headache. What would he say if they told him the truth..?

An idea pops up in their mind.

"I, uh, I've got some painkillers here. It's alright."

He's too sweet for his own good — Sol knows that he's not leaving until he knows that they're feeling better.

"You sure?" He squeezes their hand.

Silence settles between them. Lying to him is killing them, but what would he think if they told him the truth?? All the possible worst scenarios play on repeat in Sol's mind. He's going to report them, and they'll spend another month in Engineering. Then, he's going to leave them, and they'll never speak again. That's the easy thing to believe.

People aren't usually very rude when they learn about Sol's… whatever diagnosis it was that Instance gave them. It'd be easier if they were, really — instead, it just makes them uncomfortable, like Sol's unwellness is something that they should keep to themselves. As supportive as people can be, there's always that twinge of discomfort.

The only reason that Rex hasn't displayed it yet is because they only became friends after the surgery. That has to be it, right?

… even so, Sol can't imagine him ending their friendship over this. Even less than that, they can't imagine not telling anyone about their dream. And if they have to tell someone, then Rex is their guy, isn't he?

There's the possibility that he's not, though. That they'll tell him and things will be awkward between them. He won't be their good friend anymore. He'll be just another person that pities them.

But Sol doesn't really have a choice in this, do they? They're a wreck. They're going to fall apart and tell someone about this eventually. Might as well do it where only Rex can be. If there's one thing that they can trust him with, it's that he won't tell anyone about this if they ask him to. That has to count for something, right?

They take another shaky breath, picking at their holopalm. "I… uh," they start, mulling over their words. "It's, uh. Not just my head. It does hurt, but, uh, it's not- I mean, it's not why I'm…" They gesture vaguely.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Last chance to back out.

"If… if you'll, um, if you'll listen? I know you just came over to hang out, but…"

"You're my friend," he smiles kindly. "If you want me to listen, I'll listen."

That's all they need for the dam to break.

"I had, uh. I had a dream, which I'm not supposed to? I don't think… I don't know if I've told you about that? Yeah. I, um. So… Uh. It's… sorry, I'm not used to talking like this? About this."

He nods, squeezing their hand again. "I get that. Take your time, alright? I'm not going anywhere?"

"Alright. It's… before we were friends, I kinda, uh. I used to have delusions that I could see into the future and stuff. It- It's stupid. Like, one time, I snuck out to save, uh… Tonin, I think? Yeah, Tonin. I tried to save him from a manticore, but I was, what, 12? So I failed. I almost died, too, but… well, here I am!"

They take Rex's silence as a cue to continue talking.

"A lot of stuff like that happened, I think? It really worried my parents, 'cus I wouldn't shut up about my powers or whatever. So… uh. So, last year…" Their throat closes up and they shut their eyes tight. They're silent for too long, apparently, because Rex speaks.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"No, no- I do!" They rush to correct him. "You're my friend. I… I trust you, yeah? You deserve to know this, I guess."

Rex looks like he wants to say something but holds off on it.

"So, like… um, 'cus of my delusions, I was in medbay a few times. I think the longest time I ever spent there was 5 weeks? I think? But last year, I… and, I know it's just 'cus my parents care about me… they wouldn't have done it if they didn't, yeah? Instance, too. They all just wanted me to be better."

"So, she offered to, uh… fuck, how do I say this? Instance offered to fix my brain. Like, a surgery. I don't remember much about it… I might have agreed to it? I don't know. If I did, I don't remember. But, yeah, I had surgery — 'cus the meds and therapy weren't working anymore — and, yeah! That's it. I'm better now. I haven't had any dreams since then, but…"

Sol laughs nervously. It's obvious, isn't it? They don't need to spell it out. Something compels them to keep rambling, though.

"I mean, I just had one! And I don't know why! And- and I don't remember it, at all, it just- it was so short, and now I'm awake? And, my head really hurts, so… so, I'll have to tell Instance, and- and then what? I just-"

They're all too aware that they haven't stopped shaking. Rex probably can't even understand them with how fast they're rambling. Not like they're making any sense anyway.

"I don't know, I don't know what to do," They let go of his hand and bury their face in their own.

This time, they notice when they start crying. It's an awful noise. They're a mess. Rex is going to leave now, and he's going to tell Instance, and when they go to medbay this time they won't be allowed to leave.

"Hey, hey," Rex says, in an almost soothing voice, "It's okay-"

"It's really not!" They snap, feeling guilty the moment they hear their own tone. That doesn't stop them from talking more. "I don't want to deal with all that again! I know my parents will want me to go back to medbay, and I don't… I mean… I really don't want to go back there! I- I know, it's for my own good, but I don't want to..!"

He reaches out to hold their hand again, but they just push him away. They're ruining this. Rex has been nothing but kind, and he's going to leave now. This was a mistake. They shouldn't have said anything.

"That's my bad. I should have asked before touching you," he says. They almost can't hear him over the blood rushing in their ears. "I'm not going to tell Instance, okay? Or your parents. I'm not going to tell anyone, okay?"

This surprises Sol. For the first time since they started chattering, they look Rex in the eyes.

"It doesn't sound like you want me to, so I won't." He speaks slowly and calmly.

"You… really?"

He nods.

That's a relief. It must show on their face, because Rex smiles. He doesn't look like he's going to leave. Sol can't bring themself to break the silence this time, instead staring intently at their friend.

Rex doesn't try and touch them again. "I'm sorry. I didn't think it was this bad. That all… I mean, it really sucks. I'm sorry."

Oh… so he does pity them after all. Sol's heart sinks, but they don't get to dwell on it too much before Rex speaks again.

"I know you're saying that your parents just wanted you to get better, but that's…" His mouth presses into a thin line. His voice is firm. "I can't imagine doing that to my kid."

"You don't know what you're talking about," the words leave their mouth before they can think better of it. "You weren't there. I- I mean, I almost died 'cus I wanted to save Tonin. They had to. Nothing else was working."

"You're right, I wasn't," he says, seemingly not minding their animosity at all. "But… it doesn't look like that this is working either."

A tight knot forms in Sol's throat. They shudder, picking at their nails and pointedly looking down instead of Rex. "This won't happen again. It… this is just a one time thing."

Rex gives them a look that says something like Do you really believe that?. They don't give him a chance to voice that thought.

"Rex, if they didn't have to, then why did they?" Their voice is sour, dripping with exasperation. "If they didn't mean well, then why?!"

"I'm not saying that they didn't mean well, I just… sorry. This is about you, not me. You don't want to talk about that. That's okay."

Their parents meant well. That's all that matters, isn't it? It's all that should matter, at the end of the day. They were just doing their best.

Sol sighs, "I just… If they really fucked up, people would have said something, right? Anyone in medbay could have spoken up. But, they didn't, so it's fine. It's not such a big deal as you're making it out to be."

Rex looks like he wants to say something, but stays quiet.

Now that they've let it all out, most of the tension has left their body. It's not everyday that they can let go like this. Rex hasn't even made any move to leave. They… don't know what to make of it, truth be told. They're grateful, of course, but this can't be it. Right?

But, he's still here. With every passing second, they believe more and more that he's not leaving.

Before they can catch themself, they say, "Can I, uh. Can we hug?"

Their face immediatly burns a deep red. He's been so nice, and they're still asking for more, even after already pushing him away. Even so, he holds his arms out and envelops them in a warm hug. They cling onto him like a child.

"I'm just… It's hard being angry at them. They just did what they thought was right, so it's… I don't know. I don't wanna fight with them…"

"I get that."

"You weren't there, but… I mean, I wasn't either… not really," they sniffle, "People keep telling me how different I am now, and, I don't… what do I even say to that..? How can I go back to who I was if I don't know what that person's like..?"

"It's like they think that, one day, I'll wake up, and I'll be the person that they know and love again, but… I know that's not going to happen. This is me. They made me like this. Can't they accept that already..?"

Rex rubs soothing circles on their back. "I'm sorry. That's… you don't deserve that. For what it's worth, I'm… is it weird to say that I'm happy you're you?"

They snort, "You're happy I got the surgery?"

"No! No, that's not what I-"

"I'm kidding," they say.

"Well, I'm glad one of us is having fun," he grumbles. Sol can hear the smile in his voice. "What I mean is… I don't know what you were like before, but… I know what you're like now, and you're a wonderful person, Sol. I don't care what you used to be like. You're my friend."

Oh… is he trying to make them cry on purpose? Does he want a chest full of snot? What an idiot.

"You changed," he plays with their hair as he speaks, "it happens. Everyone changes. If someone can't accept that, they don't deserve you."

"Okay, okay, I get it… I'm practically perfect and have never done any wrong…"

"Now you're getting it!"

Sol laughs.

They're still shaking. Not as much as before, but they're sure he can still tell. Their head is pressed against his chest, so they hear his heartbeat. It's not as calm as they were expecting. Sol doesn't know how long they spend like this. As time passes, both their hearts return to their usual rhytm.

He squeezes them one last time when they let go.

"Sorry. And, um. Thanks. I needed that," their voice is hoarse from crying. Their eyes burn and their head is pounding with pain, but overall, they feel… okay? Pretty good, actually, despite everything.

Rex smiles in that way where he makes them feel like everything will be okay. He slips off the bed, and before Sol's heart can sink in their chest, he explains. "I'm gonna get you some water, alright?"

They nod.

He stretches. Sol can hear his joints crack. "You said you've got some painkillers here, yeah? Where do you keep them?"

"Oh, uh, the bathroom cabinet."

Rex nods, and he's off. Sol settles back into their bed, pulling their blanket over their body.

A smile creeps up on their face, and they sigh in relief. It's okay. They told Rex, and he's still here. They're still friends. A part Sol shouts that he might still leave, he might still tell Instance, and a thousand other things like that.

They don't really have the energy to fight it, but that doesn't matter. They know that it's wrong.

When he comes back, in no time at all, really, they ask him if he could stay the night. He laughs, and says he wasn't planning on leaving them alone in their current state.

He settles into their bed, and they cuddle up to him, taking great comfort in the way he embraces them. They weren't expecting to spend tonight like this, but they can't imagine a better way that it could have gone.

before we go onto the clothes, i'll talk a bit about vaces body !! like i said, shes in her 40s here, so due to that + lots of stress, shes already got some wrinkles and gray hairs. i dont think she'd like having her hair too long, so i kept it around shoulder length. itd get in her eyes and such.. maybe vace with a bun or smth like that could be cute:)

also, her body type itself is different from canon - the sprite art of young adult vace has him show a kind of hourglass figure, while shes more of a .. rectangle? here. this is because shes eating well now :) characters getting fat as a symbol of their mental health/living situation getting better is so dear to me. im blasting vace with this

now the clothes !! yay !! firstly, the colors: vace's colors in canon are bright red, with small accents of yellow here and there. also, something i'd like to point out is how color plays a big part in iwatex character design - like, the way that tangent, purple, is in engineering, also purple. rex, blue and yellow, works in construction and the creche, also blue and yellow. cal and geoponics, nem and the garrison, etc etc. in one of vaces endings, she settles down with someone and starts a family - she directs her desire to protect something onto them. i feel like the yellow points to that.. so !! here, i muted the red, to point to her distancing herself from the garisson. i also used more orange/yellow tones to point to her growth, in a way.. or at least i tried to..

i tried to keep some of vaces og design elements here - the gloves, the net thingy around her waist + the pouches. the triangle is a nod to her helios origins - its whole placement is done by zari, xe got the idea of it being assymetrical:)

most of all, i wanted to prioritise comfort. canon vaces clothing is so Tight !! i thought something a bit bigger than her would be comfy.

heres where my thoughts get a bit more scrambly <3

transfem vace is so so dear to me...!!! im so happy so many people liked my og post about her:) vace... aoughhh ... so unhappy with yourself that you scrap the whole thing and work from the bottom... she'd have the WORST time accepting herself for who she is. itd take a lot of time and work, but itd be so so worth it..!!! aoughhh ... i just think shed be really happy :)

a lot of my reasonings for transfem vace are tied to her desire for positions of leadership, and how theyre typically seen as masculine. and how Badly she plays at them. she emulates the only kind of masculinity shes ever known... transfem vace, however, has the potential to !! like !! repurpose that masculinity !! no longer toxic.. need transfem butch vace NOW !!!

i also think it could make for a really neat character exploration in the way that, like. ough. im rlly sleepy and going to sleep right after hitting Post on this thing so im sorry if my words dont make the best sense. but, vace joining the "other" side ? like. shes spent her life growling and hissing and barking and biting and snarling at the outcasts, at the stratos. hurting them !! and now she realises shes like them. lieke . aughhh . how do you deal with so badly hurting the people that were supposed to be your community ? is that anything ??? i dont Know ❤️