where's the angel?

They should invent a type of life where you don’t have to work to survive

you all hate the position i sleep in because you haven’t advanced to my level and you’re jealous of my mental acuity and caustic wit as well as being extremely good at sleeping

wheres the gif of the guy on fire but then he eats a watermelon and hes fine

this is what summertime is like

i can't believe you're "supposed" to make eye contact with people. like be serious i don't need to see your soul like that

they need to invent a food that i do not have to do any work to prepare and also is cheap and also is nutritious and also tastes good and also that doesn’t hurt my tummy

sorry for the delay in responding to your message. I was walking around the house with unclear intentions

*says a fact in a conversation and a wikipedia citation appears next to my head*

*clicks the citation*

*text pops up saying “this is not true. He saw this in a youtube video once in 2014 and took it as fact”. the words “youtube video” are underlined and in blue”

*clicks on the link*

love when creatures sniff your hand and are like. ah understood

[Image ID: Tumblr tag reading: #barcode scanners /End ID]

is the world really such a terrible place? yesterday i asked if oat milk was extra and the barista said yes so i said ok just regular milk then and when she gave me my chai latte she whispered “i used oat milk ;)” doesnt that make u want to live another day?

here is my life philosophy: next week there might be someone ahead of you in line at the store who’s short a quarter and you have a quarter and you can give it to them. if you weren’t there, they’d have to put something back. the week after that you could be getting lunch and the waiter might ask if you want some pancakes someone else ordered and never picked up. you could find someone’s lost cat. you could watch someone’s bag while they go to the restroom. there are so many ways you are going to touch other people’s lives and they are going to touch yours and there’s no way to know when it’s going to happen. so you have to keep living!!! i wouldn’t want to die knowing that tomorrow the barista will give me free oat milk just to be nice. 

idk what 14 year old needs to hear this but that 18+ year old does not love you

idk what 18 year old needs to hear this but that 25+ year old does not love you

Idk what 25- year old needs to hear this but Leonardo Di Carprio does not love you

the role of the person in the passenger seat is not only navigator but secretary as well. you have to type up the drivers messages to random ladies on facebook about cbd cream & google whether that billy joel song was the theme song for that show or not

you also have to provide a henchmans disdainful scowl at whoever the driver is flipping off in the target parking lot