SCP-H4RP13

Note: Unlike the infamous Bright list, which was meant to be a joke, this list is semi-canon and does represent some of H4RP13's behavior in containment:

0. Most but not all elements on "The List Of Things Dr. Bright Is Not Allowed To Do At The SCP Foundation" are in full effect!

1. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to claim it's a sapient fursuit. Yes, we know that's the most accurate way to describe you. The interns you traumatized by ripping your head clean off had to be amnestized and let go of their internship.

2. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to bake hyper realistic cakes of dangerous SCPs and scatter them around randomly. The number of personnel we lost to heart attacks reached an all-time high that day.

a) No, not even if the cake is tasty.

b) No, you may not use SCP-6161 to turn random things into cake.

c) hyper-realistic cakes of everyday objects, plants, food, animals, mythical creatures, pieces of art and landscapes are fine. But only if they aren't one of our contained anomalies!

d) No, we do NOT care that an SCP-096 cake is considered artistic representation. Stop.

3. H4RP13 is not allowed to spend time with Dr. Bright during breaks outside of containment ever! We don't have enough insurance money to cover for the damages.

[Addendum: for the sake of keeping the entity contained this rule has been abolished. However he is still only the entity's handler.

—O5-1]

4. SCP-H4RP13 is assigned the Thaumiel Object Class, true. This does not however give it a pass to cause mass destruction for fun. Unless it's in a rage room, but that is an entirely different scenario.

5. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to call new personnel who fill roles previously held by another personnel it knew as "crappy replacements". Yes, we miss Dr. Glass and Iceberg as much as you do. No, the new personnel are not trying to steal their roles. We know it's hard, but you have to learn to let go.

6. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to be in the same containment site as Dr. Samet. Yes, we know you don't tolerate it when he calls Dr. Bright by the amulet's designation. No, it's not an excuse to break Dr. Samet's nose, both arms, both legs and his pelvis. Stop making his life miserable. Your "immortal buddy" can handle it on his own.

7. SCP-H4RP13 is to be kept far away from SCP-076-2, unless it's sent out to stop an active containment breach.

8. H4, using spray cheese instead of the radioactive silly string isn't a big enough distinction to make the joke you recreated from Bright's list original.

9. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to use its hair as storage. As comfy, soft and fluffy it is, it is a biohazard.

a) For the sake of transparency, we are referring to the hair on top of the entity's head. Don't get ideas, people.

10. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to use its shed fur to make a decoy of itself while it's out and causing trouble. We aren't falling for that. Again... For the third time... Just stop it!

11. SCP-H4RP13, the official motto is still "Secure. Contain. Protect." Don't even try rewriting it to "Gotta catch 'em all" . We can't afford another lawsuit after Kelloggs sued us over "Snap, crackle and pop"!

a) And what did we tell you about stealing from Bright's list?

12. Yes, H4RP13... We know Dr. Bright is your crush best friend the appropriate term is handler, for crying out loud! No, that doesn't mean you're allowed to brainstorm new pranks together.

13. H4RP13, look. Playing tabletop rpgs and TCG matches against a reality bender is fun. We get it. No, asking said reality bender to make the game reality is still not allowed. Consider other people's well-being pal-lease!

14. Yes, we admit it. You're a skilled thief. We're impressed every time you pickpocket us during a chat, seemingly not moving an inch. But in all seriousness, if you steal another personnel's key card we're removing your recreation wing privileges indefinitely.

Addendum, on the [REDACTED] of ██, 20██: What did we just say?

15. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed near anything shiny or valuable due to its kleptomania. I'm baffled this rule wasn't made sooner.

16. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to replace Dr. Clef's buckshot with itching powder. What kind of a monster are you? Yes, that was creative enough to see it as a separate prank. Still, what kind of a monster are you?

17. No longer allowed to listen to country music. We don't need a repeat of "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" case involving [DATA EXPUNGED] or any other reality anchor or reality bender.

18. Yes, Epic: The Musical is, well, epic. No you may not make up your original SCP cast. And no you absolutely may NOT cast Abel as Poseidon.

a) Addendum 1: H4RP13 is no longer allowed to recreate any musical, anecdote, screenplay, movie, puppet show or series be it live action or cartoon.

19. H4RP13 is no longer allowed in the zoo, on safari or near animal SCPs. We swear to 343 if you ever try to "pet the big kitty and its kittens" again....

a) No, you may not pet the "wild puppers" either.

b) No, "oversized teddies" are also not viable candidates.

c) Neither are "clawed birbs".

d) Who gave it the idea to go and visit "dracula and his family"? It's a rhetorical question, we all know who did it.

e) No, "horsies" of any kind are not pettable for you.

f)Neither are "sea puppies". And why the ████ would you call a shark a sea puppy?!

g) No, it doesn't matter that it's "fren shaped" when it's little. Do you know what isn't "fren shaped"? Its adult counterpart.

h)Yes, bunnies are cute. No, you can't own one. Or more.

i) H4RP13 is not allowed any pets and there's that! But Bright's list already covers that rule, geez! This is one that applies to it too.

j) And no, absolutely no "furry potatoes" or "ouch mice" or literally any animals and let's not keep dwelling on it, the answer is no!

k) SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to have house plants. I don't know how it turned a tiny succulent into a piranha plant, but we don't need a repeat of that. And before it happens too, it is absolutely not allowed to have a pet rock!

20. I thought this goes without saying, but here we are. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed access to any electronics, unless it's for a test, that was greenlit by the Ethics Committee. Nevermind, don't let it access electronics and that's final.

a) How the hell did it rickroll everyone on a lighter?!

21. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to reference Star Wars to prove a point. No, it does not in fact have the high ground, Night Sister magick, or the Force, no matter how much it may insist otherwise.

a)"Come to the Dark side, we've got cookies" is a dead meme.

22. SCP-H4RP13 is required a wisdom check every time they get an idea. For that its supervisor in the moment has to roll one D20 and subtract two from the final score. Any score under 16 will be a dismissal of the idea.

a) Okay, so apparently somehow the wisdom checks say you add 2 to the score. I don't know nor care to find out why.

b) For goodness' sake! If SCP-H4RP13 has a genius new idea don't let Bright do the mandatory wisdom check! Somehow he always hits a NAT 20 on the worst ideas.

23. SCP-H4RP13 is not capable of stealing the Moon.

24. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to attempt to steal the Moon.

25. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to succeed in stealing the Moon.

26. No longer allowed access to the "Despicable Me" movie series.

27. For future reference, stop slow dancing with Bright while they are on duty. As a representative of the O5 Council, I am glad your relationship with them only grew stronger as the decades passed, but please stop calling Site-19 single in a million languages. –O5-13

28. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to use the popular Johnny Cash song "The Chicken in Black" during heists. As an additional rule, SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to even think about planning heists ever again. But Bright's list covers this rule as well!

29. No, you aren't a demigod from Camp Half-Blood. No, there is no "Mist" and there is no "Titanomachy" happening in plain sight. And on a semi-related note, SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to steal the Helm of Darkness, the Master Bolt or Poseidon's Trident.

30. SCP-H4RP13-1 is not allowed to use Foundation staff as baby sitters for its young, SCP-H4RP13-2 and SCP-H4RP13-3. Again, for future reference. —O5-13

31. Also for future reference, SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to send SCP-H4RP13-2 and 3 to public schools until they learn to control their powers. —O5-13

32. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to purchase a venus flytrap for $1.95. Especially if it's an unidentified species.

33. SCP-H4RP13 is not allowed to offer blood to carnivorous plants. We literally have a movie and a whole musical about why it's a bad idea!