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my friend was testing perfumes out at the store and she sniffed a bottle and anounced "ngl this bitch kind of sucks" The girl at the counter suddenly looked really sad, and my friend was like "I'm sorry, I wasn't talking about you." And the girl looked up and said "No don't worry, I didn't think that, but I just crushed a ladybug with my shoe" We both took a peak over the counter. she'd stepped on a red m&m

how beautiful to be 28 and still discovering fun new ways to masturbate. never kill yourself.

yaouch! that hurts me when you hit me until I'm blood

just learned that my friend’s sister likes to learn what cologne her boyfriends’ dads wear and then buy it and layer it with her perfume when they’re having sex to create a Freudian effect. omg

nobody even knows how normal i am on account of my being obviously crazy

alvin the chipmunk sold me a fake juul pod in the library parking lot when i was 14 and when i confronted him about it he pretended he couldn’t talk like a person anymore so everyone just thought i was yelling at a normal chipmunk. that little fucker is not normal. he can sing and dance and he can steal and cheat i hate him so much.

i remember speaking to alvin's mother about this. let's just say the apple didn't fall far from the tree (she's a fucking bitch)