37 TISSUE BOXES FULL OF PARAKEETS

Showed my Geologist dad a picture of the obsidian knife you had and he nearly said this exact thing word for word. I can't believe my own father would fall prey to this. Clearly you know thine enemy

I work too closely with geologists not to have a contingency plan for eliminating them.

I’m coming for him sooner or later...

i love when professors try to use modern slang to relate to students. my professor referred to the theater of pompey as “the place where caesar got vibe checked by a bunch of senators” and i lost it. 

we should totally just vibe check Caesar!!!

wheres the gif of link opening a treasure chest barefoot and he kicks like an idiot it and hurts himself its so goddam funny

Have u seen what happens when u crouch and open a chest from the side

No I have not what happens when u crouch and open a chest from the side

LINK WHY

Botw Link is feral and you cannot convince me otherwise

The first funny bitch was Cain, who straight up lied to God after killing his brother.

in an attempt to appeal to the pathos of my potential employers, i wrote my resume using the same format a no-kill shelter would use to describe a geriatric dog

i am a gentle, mild-mannered young man looking for a forever job to spend the rest of my years in. though i may not be the most talented and versatile person on the job market, i’m the perfect employee for someone out there, and that someone just might be you(r company)!

I’m a very special girl who has captured the hearts of all our volunteers, but just keeps getting overlooked when it comes to that forever boss to call my own! Could it be you? I can use Excel and the toilet. Vaccinated.  

Whoever did these photos really, really understands what women want. There’s no rippling muscles or pouting at the camera or crotch shots; instead, there’s a soft-eyed long-haired man reading a book in an underwater paradise. Whoever did this looked at all of the media produced and aimed at women and concluded, correctly, that Mr Darcy coming out of the water in the 1995 Pride and Prejudice is where human sexuality peaked.

Man losing stuff when you have ADHD is the worst. Stuff just like… vanishes. People will ask: when did you last have it? Well I don’t know dude. I just know it exists and I don’t know where it is currently doing that.

If you write down the results and properly format the paper, it even counts as science!

my flatmate has just rocked in with the two lesbianest lesbians i’ve ever seen and introduced them as “my sister and my sister’s… roommate”

I was about 4 years old with a babysitter once and we were going for a walk around the cul de sac. When I fell behind she said “come on slowpoke” and I froze. I had no idea why she was talking about pokemon. So I just said “alright blastoise”

oh you think your life is hard? try being a gay rat living in france who hates your dad and just wants to cook

why did this post make me realize there are no female rats in this movie