I showed this to my husband and he said he wants four mugs like this in various states of eaten, so he can swap when no one’s looking and make it look like he’s actually eating it.

Kitty!... long leg kitty!.. uh, creechur?... OUPPY

I WAS NOT FUCKING PREPARED

@phynali

@faileddog

girl you erected a mysterious black monolith that contained all the knowledge your culture had ever collected were you hoping he'd develop rudimentary tool use

"the hell is that thing? better pinch it. ...hm. pinch ain't workin'. don't like that. goin' back to bed"

has anyone noticed recently that it's expensive

times like these really make you appreciate pouring river water in your socks

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.

Did this with an 11yo u.m. today and he said "What did the ghost say to the other ghost?" And I said "What?" "Nothing. Ghosts aren't real."

you will struggle to say the unsayable thing for five years straight. and then it will suddenly become easy on a Wednesday morning

Exquisite Vibes