Herpderp

This Ring quest will have two hobbits. Maximum.

Then they all get to Rivendell and have somehow multiplied into four hobbits. And it's like. Okay. Maybe the others are right.

Maybe this is too many hobbits.

We have as many hobbits as we have not-hobbits.

But damn it, you just don't want to get rid of any of these hobbits. Screw it! Everyone can deal. Four hobbits. This is a four hobbits problem.

So away you go.

And things go bad in the worst possible way.

Over and over.

You've lost your hobbits. You've lost yourself. The fellowship has been separated.

It takes everything in your power to help the humans defend themselves, bringing them together to save Rohan. Finally, as things begin to look upright, you're ready to face the war with everything the Rohirrim have left.

You're ready to face him. This may be the hardest battle you've ever fought. But you ride.

Then you get there and two of your fucking hobbits are sitting there like "Yeah, while you were gone, we raised a tree army and beat Saruman's ass. Wanna help us loot his tower?"

....

There were not, in fact, too many hobbits.

The rickroll in several different shirts

JONNY T WAS LITERALLY THE BIGGEST FANBOY TO EVER WALK THE EARTH. LITERALLY THIS FUCKIN NERD WENT INTO WORLD WAR ONE AND WROTE NORSEFIC EDDA FANFIC IN THE TRENCHES AND SENT IT TO ALL HIS FRIENDS WHO WERE PRESUMABLY LIKE “JOHN WHAT THE FUCK”

BUT IT DOESN’T END THERE

HIS WIFE? MADE HER AND HIMSELF INTO SELF-INSERT OCS IN SAID FIC. ALSO MADE HIMSELF A TOTAL TYR SELF INSERT CHARACTER. ALL VERY DRAMATIC. KEPT WRITING THIS FIC UNTIL IT WAS HUGE. AFTER HE DIED HIS SON PUBLISHED IT AND CALLED IT THE SILMARILLION. JRR YOU FUCKIN NERD

WAIT I’M NOT FUCKING DONE YET. TREEBEARD? BASED THE WAY HE TALKED OF HIS OLD FRIEND JACK WHO YOU ALL MIGHT KNOW AS CS LEWIS. THAT’S RIGHT. THAT NARNIA MOTHERFUCKER. WROTE HIM INTO LORD OF THE RINGS AKA THE SEQUEL TO THE SEQUEL OF HIS ORIGINAL FANFIC MASTERPIECE. CS LEWIS FUCKING HATED LORD OF THE RINGS. TOLKIEN FUCKING HATED NARNIA. BASICALLY THEY STARTED THE OXFORD PROFESSOR LIVEJOURNAL CLUB AND THEY FLAMED EACH OTHER’S SHIT RELENTLESSLY YET REMAINED BFFS

SHELOB? FUCKING TARANTULA BIT J-TIDDY ON THE FOOT WHEN HE WAS LIKE 3. WROTE IT INTO LORD OF THE RINGS.

HIS AUNT’S HOUSE? NAMED BAG END. YEAH YOU GUESSED IT WROTE IT INTO LORD OF THE RINGS

THIS FUCKING DORKUS SUPREME MADE UP HIS OWN LANGUAGE. WAIT NO IM WRONG. HE MADE UP LIKE 80 LANGUAGES AND DIALECTS AND ALPHABETS AND SHIT 

BEST PART OF ALL?? HIS OWN LAST NAME, TOLKIEN, WAS DERIVED FROM THE GERMAN “TOLKHUN” MEANING “FOOLHARDY”. DOES THAT RING A BELL TO ANYONE FAMILIAR TO LORD OF THE RINGS??? BECAUSE YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT PEREGRIN “PIPPIN” TOOK’S LIKE FUCKING CATCHPHRASE WAS “FOOL OF A TOOK”. TOLKIEN FIC’D HIS OWN FAMILIAL LINGUISTIC HISTORY INTO HIS WORK WHAT A DWEEB

IN 2008 HE RANKED 6TH ON A LIST OF THE TOP 50 BRITISH WRITERS SINCE 1945. HE WAS A PROFESSOR OF LANGUAGES AND OTHER IMPORTANT STUFFY SHIT AT OXFORD

AND JRR TOLKIEN WAS THE BIGGEST DWEEB EVER TO LIVE

WHO THE FUCK CENSORED MY GLORIOUS FUCKING RANT ON TOLKIEN

DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THERE’S A VERSION FLOATING AROUND WITHOUT ALL MY SWEARS

UNBELIEVABLE

I keep seeing these memes comparing Trump to Sauron, but I think that comparison is pretty unfair to Sauron. Consider:

- He has thousands of years of experience in government as Lord of Mordor. - He always pays his contractors all of the rings that he owes them. - He remained faithful to Morgoth even after he got thrown into the Outer Dark – he never traded him in for a younger, prettier dark lord. - He doesn’t want to ban immigration from Harad. - His university in Eregion wasn’t a fraud – Celebrimbor learned some actual ring-lore there. - He has never gotten on the Palantir at 3 am because Faramir insulted him or to tell everyone to watch Galadriel’s sex tape. - He was wounded in battle with Isildur, so he actually earned that Purple Heart. - When he was defeated, his spirit departed from Barad-Dur. He didn’t go around complaining that Frodo’s quest was rigged. - When he met Luthien, he didn’t just start kissing her without her consent, even though he’s a celebrity and she was a total 10. - He was a great poet – he even won a song battle with Finrod Felagund. Just imagine if Trump tried to write the ring poem:

The Elves, they’ve got three rings. Three rings, and I don’t know where they are. I don’t. Maybe Crooked Elrond – I call him Crooked Elrond, because you’ve never seen a more crooked Elf in all of your life – I bet he has one. And maybe Galadriel too. Such a nasty woman.

And the Dwarves. They’re rapists, they’re drug dealers, and some of them I assume are good people. They’re always down there in their halls of stone, working on something, going bing-bing- bong-bing, bing-bong, bing. They’ve got seven rings. Seven whole rings, do you believe that. And they’re some real bad hombres. I’m going to build a wall around Moria, and I’m going to make Durin’s Folk pay for it.

Now some people say that Men, they all die. I mean, that’s what they’re saying. Men are mortal. They sound like a lot of losers to me. “Oh look at me, I’m a mortal Man, and I’m going to die eventually no matter what.” Sad! I tell you what, though, folks. I’m going to give them nine rings. People call me Annatar, the bringer of gifts. Because handing out rings, it’s what I do. It’s what I do.