I am still thinking about their kiss in the hotel room in tempa. It's so heartbreaking to see because on the one hand, it's Ilya trying to make up for the fact that he let his facade slip. That he didn't manage to keep his shit together. "You don't like me." He had said, because how could Shane ever want anyone as fragile and fucked up as Ilya? So he does what he thinks will convince Shane to stay despite the fact that he's still Ilya with all his cracks and broken parts. He silently asks Shane if he still wants him, even after seeing a part of him that is (in his mind) so incredibly weak and unsexy. He slips his tongue into Shane's mouth trying to get some proof that Shane will still fuck him after this, right? Because that's something he's still good at and he can provide it for Shane, even now.
But on the other hand, it's Ilyas desperate attempt to prove to Shane that he can swallow it down and be useful again. It's in the way he let's his tongue slip into Shane's mouth and in the way he is fully bracing himself to bottle himself up again and go back to being mr. sexy cool guy. But Shane doesn't want that. Shane's intention wasn't to let it escalate into them having sex, but to show Ilya that he's done running. Instead he's holding him close. It's him telling Ilya, "I see you. I still like you. I am not going anywhere." And you can see the moment Ilya realizes this and let's himself feel and experience his own emotions and feelings without being judged for them for the first time in a long time.
