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#myilya is the biggest gossip you’ve ever met. He is nosy, yappy, and an instigator. He is pretending he doesn’t know the story so he can get all the sides of it. He is blabbing on voice memos to Svetlana. He is deep in some teammate’s ex gf’s instagram, terrified of accidentally liking something. He is mad at Shane because Shane did not ask follow up questions when Yuna tells him David’s sister is getting a divorce. He is calling Yuna directly to ask follow up questions. When there was that tik tok trend of filming your friends reacting to gossip you’re telling them, he is experiencing a profound level of fomo. He is campaigning for a guest spot on Normal Gossip. This is a man who has never minded his business and I love that for him.

Hi my name is Shane Dirr’ty Fuckin Dangles Boys Hollander and I have silky fucking mitts (that’s how I got my name) and short spiky black hair that I bleached once for juniors and a lot of people tell me I play like Sidney Crosby (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Scott Hunter but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a hockey player but my teeth are still real. I have freckles on my face. I’m also in the NHL and I play for a team called the Voyageurs in Montreal where I’m the captain (I’m 24). I’m a forward (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly hockey gear. I love CCM and I buy all my gear from there. For example today I was wearing my Voyageurs jersey with the blue and white stripes and the matching hockey pants, black pads, blue socks and black skates. Underneath I was wearing black compression gear, a jockstrap and a helmet with a visor on top. I was skating in the arena. The Zamboni had just gone through so the ice was fresh, which I was very happy about. A lot of Raiders stared at me. I pulled a sick fucking deke on them.

shane listening to white noise while working out yes yes yada yada but also consider that shane's mind is constantly running ilya porn in the background. like one of the 24 tabs in his brain is always ilyahub and shane is very good at doing whatever he's doing while his brain is replaying what he and ilya did two weeks ago in extremely graphic detail. SO. anyway. let's all consider post-marriage shane that's now playing for the centaurs with his husband and said husband has maybe sent him an audio file the last time they had to be apart (the reason why is irrelevant here, let's just pretend ilya was visiting sveta in boston). and let's consider shane at the gym with his expensive, full noise-canceling headphones on, surrounded by his teammates as he's doing his bicep curls or RDLs or whatever, and listening to ilya fully moaning and whispering dirty talk in his ear with a completely straight face. let's just all consider that for a second

in chess the queens can kill each other which is toxic yuri and the kings can never get within a square of each other which is doomed yaoi