Have Some Cookies

funny how normal human rights don’t have to apply to you if your parents don’t want them to

I was going to say “if you’re a child” but remembered when I turned 18 and realised I was still stuck at home and nothing was going to change if my parents didn’t want it to

''when did we all become so performative'' idk man when the threat of being recorded at any time and posted for milions to see without your knowledge became normalised.

I can't get over DuckDuckWent as a past tense of using duckduckgo as a verb. Like yes youre right BUT

I remember one time I got INSANELY high off of edibles while playing Among Us, and it quickly became apparent to the other players online. I forget how honestly but literally anything "sus" I did was ignored by everyone because I was so fucking high. I tested this theory by standing in front of a body and the person that actually reported it didn't even mention me. The funniest part was when I was trying to do wires, I kept fucking up over and over again, so I was just standing in front of wires for actual minutes trying to figure it out. A small crowd of players gathered around me to watch and would get mad every time someone reported a body or emergency meeting because "she's never going to get her tasks done if you keep interrupting them." I don't think anyone cared about winning at that point, they just wanted to see the high crew mate succeed in her tasks.

kinda feel bad for millennials who don’t know that Harry Potter is almost a hate symbol now. Imagine that happening to any other beloved childhood media

How do people not know?

a lot of millennials know only the bare surface level of it (jkr = transphobe = bad) but dont really know much further than that so theyre like Okay so its fine if you just pirate the books and dont buy merch! Its fine! Im still a ravenclaw though!

I think many people are just not online enough to be aware. Probably most people have heard about some kind of controversy with her in passing, but most controversies with celebrities are a whole lot of nothing, so they assume the same.

Confession: I have a friend who likes to text me at like 4am when he’s had nightmares or he can’t sleep or he just needs a friend. He thinks I’m always awake at 4am but really I go to bed around 12am and I change his text-tone to the loudest one I have just so it wakes me up when he needs me.

you’re the kind of friend everyone needs

I think that since its been a year since I made this post its time for an update. In the past year I’ve watched this post grow and grow, people I work with have told me about it as “this post I saw the other day” and they have no idea it’s my post. The person I wrote this about has even reblogged it. He is no longer texting me at 4am. Not because we no longer speak but because the nightmares have stopped. He and I both are in a much better place. Most often the only times he’s waking me up at 4am is when he’s pulling me closer to him while we sleep. He’s more than a friend now and I’m forever thankful to have him. Everyone messaged me saying he was lucky to have me but I think I was just as lucky to have him and I would do it all over.

Martha May Whovier is a hilarious character to me. She’s been thirsting after a literal monster man since she was a preteen, gets together with the guy who made that monster man’s life hell because he’s the goddamn mayor of her town and probably has the power to ruin her life if she refuses - probably having to suffer through THE WORST sex imaginable in the meantime - and the minute she sees her crush again after decades of him being a unhygienic hermit who’s basically her hometown’s answer to Bigfoot, she spends the entire evening having to fight the urge to let him stuff her Christmas stocking right there in the town square in front of her asshole boyfriend, Who-God, and everybody. She doesn’t faint when he goes on his rampage during the Whobalation because she’s shocked, she just climaxed from hours of fantasizing if it’s true what they say about green guys. And honestly, get it girl.

the issue with 2:15 is thats already 4 pm

your aversion to anything earnest or sincere has affected us in the following ways 1. youre annoyinggggggg

remember to leave out milk and rusty blades for jigsaw tonight

the transition in the past two decades from family sitcoms and ‘friends all living together’ sitcoms to workplace comedies signifies a larger shift in how work dominates our lives and leaves no space for traditional family or community raising in this essay i will

what people dont get about divorces is the Whole Thing About Dogs

i have written custody plans for labrador retrievers more complex than i have for children. i went to four years of undergrad, three years of law school, and sat for the bar exam to write up custody exchange provisions for dogs with hyphonated last names

my clients are paying $295 an hour for me to go to court and litigate who makes veterinary decisions for Chuckles the Goldfish and theres literally nothing i can do to stop them

Who else has thousands of ideas but unfortunately your mortal form is constantly at 'low battery' energy levels?