Lgbt journey (long post, tehe :3)
For the longest time I felt so uncomfortable being perceived as feminine. Just hated it. I thought something was wrong with me. When I would wear dresses, it just didn't feel right.
รn the 0th grade, that's what it was called, before first grade, I met a girl. I hated her guts because she got to sit next to someone who I went to kindergarten and I didn't, I felt abandoned by my friends.
But we grew closer, became best friends, and that's how I got my first crush on a girl.
In 2020 I found out the lgbtqia community existed. I only knew a few sexuality and gender identities, I didn't know there were more than 6 (I was very, very stupid on this topic, I hadn't known anything about it and the only thing that introduced me to it was a tt video).
So I labed myself as nonbinary and bi.
Note: I first went back and forth on lesbian and bi so many times that the next time frame story thing I am about to talk about I was lesbian here.
I didn't exactly understand the definition of nonbinary at the time, I thought it only meant people who didn't have any gender (the video I watched was kinda bad). More recently did I learn it could be also used as an umbrella term, anyways. What I felt at the time would have been agender.
2022 rolls around and I was sent to a psych ward for personal reasons I still don't know. I met a 'girl' there, 'her' name was Elliot. We became very close. One day, 'she' asks me to be 'her' girlfriend. I really wanted to say yes because I was highky crushing on 'her' but there were people watching and I didn't wanted them to know I was lesbian, so I said I wasn't ready for a relationship but we could remain friends, and 'she' was okay with it.
Later that same year I learned he was actually trans + his deadname. I still have unresolved feelings for him with no way of contacting him because we were at different children's center but I don't want to get more into it. We parted ways and I never got to say goodbye. Fuck I need to continue.
Cue 2023, I learn more identities. I first through the label pan and gender fluid, but I didn't feel comfortable after some time(until 2025) with the later, so I used agender. At some point I used agender + transmasc + demiboy, then only transmasc + demiboy.
(at some point during 2024-2025 I used omnisexual)
Late 2025 I realized I was rejecting my feminine side. I felt so bad, I felt like a misogynist(which I wasn't). I don't know why I rejected all of my femininity until then, that's still a journey I have to go on. Then I realized I was gender fluid again, after lots of condiseration (which I still am + pan)
During all of this time, I had crushes on girls, guys, everyone in between or out. Mostly on girls tho.
And yeah, that's my journey through my years of living. I'll probably update this if anything big happens.
