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the medieval peasant in my head watching me eat: thou knowst what would MAKETH this meal? dried fruits.

me, getting out the raisins: god damn, etheldred, you are SO right

Each of us has one or two love languages, the special ways we prefer to be showered with affection. But keeping a partner's love language in mind can be tricky. So here are a list of the five love languages, and some tips on how to put them into practice with your main squeeze!

Disembowelment

If your partner's love language is disembowelment, you probably already know it from the sweet way they run their fingers along your intestinal tract, or hold your heart in their hands—literally! For a disemboweler, a fine, keen knife of obsidian makes a gift they'll treasure. They'll also love little vials of your blood, or even just handwritten notes that say things like "you're the only one who gets to fondle my luscious entrails <3" You may also want to purchase more practical gifts, like bandages, disinfectant, and (just in case) formaldehyde.

Deadly Vendettas

Do you often find yourself in merciless rapier duels with your partner over matters of honor? Do they smile with malicious tenderness at you as they offer you a goblet full of inky liquid that might be wine (or might be something else)? Are they always tearing at their hair and weeping into their lacy cuffs while swearing that they will hunt you down and slay you if it's the last thing they do? Then your partner's love language is deadly vendettas! Deadly vendetta partners are very passionate and cunning, so they'll adore samples of exotic poisons, a picture of you to gaze at in ecstatic hatred, or even a fine, keen knife of obsidian to sweep slowly through the air as if practicing to slash your throat.

Obsession

Partners often say that they feel like two halves of one whole. But maybe your partner feels like a lone half a being, raw and chill in the howling wind, and wants nothing more than to rejoin with their lost half in a searing love-clash that may destroy both of them. In that case, you've got an obsessive partner. Whether you two are linked by inexplicable forces or under the effects of a love-philtre, the obsessed lover is a fan of anything that smacks of chivalrous passion and suppressed yearning. Give them a lock of your hair, a handkerchief, perhaps even a glance that lingers a fraction of a second too long. Or, in the dead of night, after making tormented love, press into their hand a fine, keen knife of obsidian and whisper "if we are discovered, you know what you must do."

Acts of Service

Blood and death and dangling, dripping guts are all well and good, but a partner can also be very receptive to simple, small acts that show you care about their well-being. These are acts of service, and they can be very powerful to the right partner. Try helping with chores around the house, or otherwise easing the burdens of everyday life for them. They may also appreciate you helping to locate something—like if they can't find their fine, keen knife of obsidian anywhere.

Night Pursuit Over the Moors

wild + roses

Lochlan @raccoonmilf, the creator of original dashcon and actual raccoon biologist, in clown makeup and a ballpit-themed ballgown giving an educational talk about rabies and raccoons