Hi

romeo and juliet didn’t drink poison they drank flat tummy tea and died

Jameela Jamil ghostwrote this post

in the beginning shane was like ahh, guess i’m stuck with this insufferable doe eyed man but at least i can get my rocks off by scaring him and now he’s like look everyone it’s my friend ryan, did i mention we are fRiEnDs at least once today? the ghosts will have to go through me to get to ryan, because only i’m allowed to scare ryan. btw, we are friends. 

the first post ever on tumblr

I WAS EXPECTING IT TO BE A REMAKE OF SOME SORT HOLY FUCK

WHO THE FUCK KEEPS BRINGING THIS BACK

reblog this because it shows up every blue moon

I FOUND IT ✊

I WAS SO SCARED IT WOULDNT BE THE ORIGINAL

Who first posted this?

I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO END WITH A MEME OR SOME SHIT NO IT’S THE REAL ONE OH MY GOD

this cryptid 

This is the lucky Rami, reblog in 30 seconds for a year of safe driving

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

Every time a friend thanks me, and I respond with “gladly” or “my pleasure”, I die completely 1000% inside

I work at a plasma donation center. When processing donors, we call them by name, they walk up to the counter, and then we ask for their name and donor number. One time, instead of saying “Robert” I hollered “Name and donor number!?” into a full waiting room. Three people started announcing their names and donor numbers before we all realized that I fucked up.

In college, I was a barista at Borders (remember Borders, you guys?!) I once drove through Taco Bell on my way home after a shift. When the cashier said, “okay, that’ll be $5.46!” I cheerfully responded, “Do you have a Borders rewards card?”

I have dealt with so many difficult customers over the years that I used to angrily call my dog “Sir” when I was mad at him.

My first job was at my nearest Panera, and after coming home from a ten-hour Sunday morning shift, I was exhausted; but when my mom called me to come downstairs, instead of replying in the grumpy teenagerish tone I usually would, I said in my cheeriest, fakest voice, “Not a problem at all, let me just check with my manager!” before realizing my mistake.

my coworker went to back up the cash registers one time and she had been at customer service right before. when we finish with a customer we have to sometimes get the attention of the next person and will shout “i can get the next person in line!” but instead of saying that she yelled “HI WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH” to everyone in the general area

I have told my dog “no thank you” so many times after working at a preschool

a couple of times i’ve gotten stuck in a hello how are you good how are you good how are you loop with an equally tired Fred Meyer’s cashier after a long shift but the best time was after a 10 to 10 post-holidays after they told me my total, I asked if they would like a bag today and after a confused few seconds they were like, “no… I have the bags”

Worked in a gallery where we asked people to take off their backpacks in order not to accidentally damage paintings. So when I went to the shop later and saw a guy in the line in front of me, I told him he had to remove his backpack. He probably thought I was politely trying to rob him.

The other day they had me working with softserve and fried dough. I was burned out because I kept bouncing back and forth between the fryer and my register and these people had like, 8 things in their order. We get to the ice cream part of the order, and it comes in a bowl or cone. Instead of saying “Would you like the vanilla in a bowl or cone?” I said “Would you like the bowl in a vanilla or cone?” And we all stopped and had to think that through as my cart runner is staring me down like “tf are you doing?”

i work with dogs, and i have to be a bit strict with them sometimes in order to keep fights from breaking out. recently, while making tea, the kettle started boiling sooner than i wanted, so without thinking i turned around sharply, pointed my finger at it and stared it down, and said, “Bad boy! You need to wait!” needless to say i was very glad i was alone

I know I’ve reblogged this a billion times but I’ve worked retail for 8 years and these things are never not funny.

One time while cashiering I tried to ask a man if he wanted his milk bagged but instead said “do you want your bags milked?” And he laughed at me for a solid five minutes while I tried to emotionally recover

I worked in a call center doing tech support for 4 months. To this day I still slip up when I answer the phone with “Hi thank you for calling Vivint Smart Home! My name is Shannon can I get your name and phone number?”

I used to answer my phone with “thank you for calling Barnes & Noble” like 5 times a day but then one day I accidentally did it to a telemarketer and they were like “oh sorry, wrong number!” and stopped calling me so now I *always* answer that way when I think it’s a telemarketer

I am a preschool teacher and I call all my 3-4 years old students “love”. This year I started teaching adults. When one of them, a 40 years old man asked for my help, I told him “sure, my love” IT WAS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO GET OUT OF THAT EMBARASSING SITUATION and until this day I wanna hide my face in shame.

ask me these guys!! i’d rly like to start interacting with you all more

Have you ever really thought about how when you look at the moon, it’s the same moon Shakespeare and Marie Antoinette and Van Gogh and Cleopatra looked at.

they all looked at the moon they’re all dead the moon is killing people wake up america

Reblogging for the last one cuz that’s adorable

SO PROUD

The Fantastic 4 we deserve

OMG IVE ONLY SEEN THIS POST IN SCREEN SHOTS

We will all protect the small one.

it got better!!

plot-twist: the small one could actually kick everyone’s ass

THERE’S ART NOW???!?

I AM LAUGHING SO HARD AT THIS

For those who needed this today.

God, the look in his eyes. he means it.

I did need that..

Reblog to have something good happen at 1:42 tomorrow

Can’t take any chances these days

Here goes

Let me tell you a fucking thing about costume design. That’s some in depth, difficult shit to learn. And the fact that this goddess can ramble this shit off the cuff means she knows her shit. ELLE WOODS IS A GODAMNED GENIUS AND IT’s NOT A STRETCH TO BELIEVE SHE GOT INTO HARVARD LAW MMMK?

FUCK YEAH ELLE WOODS OR DIE

this movie is literally about an attractive woman who loves to party having to prove over and over again that she’s also intelligent and hard-working to those who judge her based on her looks (who also empowers and fights for other women, and fosters unlikely friendships instead of engaging in girl hate) and if you don’t think that’s some great feminist shit then I don’t know what your problem is

Let’s not forget that in the end when the guy wants her again, she turns him down because she knows she deserves better.

i am, at my core, just….. such a complete sucker for the ‘bodyguard and person they’re protecting slowly falling in love’ trope. i love it, i love it so much