Bakekateable

me, already confused about catholicism:

HAPPY REX MANNING DAY! (April 8)

Me: you will not earn what you desire by banging the cabinet door.

My cat: This is a test of wills, is it not? We shall see if your ability to put up with my incessant banging outlasts my eternal lust for snackie treats. Years of conditioning have hardened me for this purpose. bang bang bang

Me: ksst!

My cat, throwing herself to the ground like she’s been shot: Oh! Oh I have been assailed in my own home! Have mercy, have pity! Surely in the cruel darkness of your heart there is some mote of goodness that might stay your hand! Do not strike me, I pray you!

Me: ok

Clothes are made up of pieces and all of those pieces have names.  One of those pieces is a triangle, and one of those names is “godet.”  This refers, specifically, to a triangle of fabric inserted between two other pieces to provide flare.

That big triangle smack in the middle of the skirt.  That right there is a godet, providing the flare necessary for locomotion in this 1930s bias-cut dress.  At some point, I promise, I will deliver my sermon on the bias and why it is the Best Thing Ever, but that day is not today, because today we are talking about godets.  (Although let’s take a moment to admire the fastening on this dress, because that’s a classy bit of work.)

The point of the godet, as previously stated, is to provide flare, and so they show up a lot in skirts.  Correctly inserted, particularly in a bias-cut dress, they are fully capable of creating a skirt that drapes sensuously in repose, swirls seductively in motion, and is in all situations slinky as hell.

Keira Knightley in a bias-cut dress for the late ‘30s portion of Atonement, demonstrating drape, swirl, and slink.  The godet at the back of the dress is clearly visible in the last two pictures; the way the sash embellishment hangs obscures its compatriot in the front in the other two, but by the way the fabric is moving around her legs, it’s there.  

This is a godet fitted well, moving subtly with the rest of the skirt in such a way most people won’t notice its existence until a dork points it out.  Knightley also looks to be wearing ‘30s-correct (ish, at least) shapewear, including either a sort of long corselet or girdle to the upper thigh, so while the skirt clings to her legs at the front when she walks, it’s not highlighting any butt cleavage when she stands.  Basically how a modern sportsbra gives the monobosom effect, only on the butt.

Like this, okay?  Which one always put on AFTER the heels, obviously, for just this effect.  I mean, I’m not going to lie, if I had ‘30s shapewear, I’d totally wear just that with my repro heels from time to time, and if I have to explain why, you need a kind of help I can’t give you.  (In all honesty, once the corselet is attached to the stockings as she’s doing in the picture, getting in position to fasten the shoes may be a bit tricky.  This does not mean anyone who decides to parade about in vintage shapewear and heels shouldn’t cite this image as entirely historical justification for doing so.)

BUT GODETS, you insist, enough with this shapewear suspense intermission, we’re here for the godets, those fascinating triangles!

Back to godets, where they go is something that depends not only on the design of the dress, but also the specific curvature of the wearer.  With the curvature reduction provided by the corselet, the point of Knightley’s godet can come where it does without looking weird (example of “weird” to follow).  She has a flat ass, so it’s cool, is what I’m saying.  If the wearer has curvature (”booty,” in the vernacular), however, the placement of the godet gets trickier–it either needs to be higher than the greatest point of curvature (where the ass sticks out the most), in which case the fabric of the godet will start to spread out immediately rather than only when in motion, or significantly below, in which case the dress will hug the booty, then suddenly flare out.

Putting a godet up that high defeats the point, literally–you may as well use a gore, which is like a godet that’s had the pointy top bit cut off.

Gored skirt dress patterns–on the right, you can see that there are four pieces to the skirt, which are essentially triangles with the point tops cut off.  While the drape and graceful flow will still be achieved, because the bias is the coolest thing ever, some of the slink seen in godet skirts is lost.  Both Pinterest and a google image search for gored vs. godet skirts can you provide you with more examples of the loss of slinkage.  This continues regardless of era, I chose this example from the ‘30s less because of its time period and more because, as was common in the ‘30s, these are also cut on the bias.  And while the bias preserves some slinkage, it’s really a godet that gives the most.

So that’s what happens if you stick a godet up high in the skirt’s construction.  If your godet hangs low…

…as in this ‘30s-inspired example by Atelier Versace which may very well be the only thing I’ve ever liked, let alone loved, by them, where the godet’s point can be seen nearly a foot down the center seam from the base of the cape.  Which is also significantly below any butt curvature.  (Look, as weird as I feel talking about staring at celebrities’ butts, when you start looking at garment construction the body ceases to be anything but a shape that has to be fitted, so you don’t really see butts anymore, just curvature that determines where a godet should go.  This carries over to fitting garments on people, when grabbing their butts should be really awkward, but it’s more just “why is this fitting mannequin making squeaking noises, oh, it’s a person, whoops.”  I still feel weird talking about it.)  The result of this extremely low-slung godet being that the upper part of the skirt fits very snugly (again, it’s cut on the bias, and I swear a bias-cut skirt can make a flat-assed girl look bootylicious), with the skirt flaring around her legs.  Because the godet is really long and narrow, we get this great train effect, as well.  Damn, Versace.  When you get it together, by which I mean go seriously vintage, you do nice work.

And then there is the middle option.  The godet directly on the greatest point of curvature, or just below it.  And that is when you get this.

That is a disaster of a godet.  I really like the concept that the embellishment on the back gradually tapers to a point that meets the point of the godet, which then flares out the skirt.  That is a lovely concept.  This is not a lovely result.  Because of where the godet’s point lies on this particular woman’s curvature, it basically looks like she’s shooting a triangle of fabric out of her own asshole, and that is just weird on top of aesthetically displeasing.  This would be a problem even with a filmier fabric and a narrower angle, but this one is so wide that the godet flares out very suddenly, before the rest of the skirt even has a chance to catch up with it–hence the very visible Triangle of Fabric here, vs. the more subtle flow of the Atonement skirt, where the pieces all move together.  The effect is of a rather nice pencil dress that planned on hugging the wearer’s figure nearly to the knee, whose plans were foiled by a godet suddenly shot out of her ass.  

American’s Teasing Canada: u have moose and beavers, maple syrup u like it

American’s Teasing Australia: kangaroos and koalas, it’s hot there, summer time, toilets flush backward

My high school history teacher was shot in the back on campus. Everyone here knows someone who’s been affected by gun violence. Everyone knows someone who’s been affected by healthcare, or lack thereof. Everyone knows someone whose life has been ruined by college debt. 

Shoes on in house

Smiling too much

High school football

Opossums, raccoons, deer, etc.

Carpet (I’ve heard other countries aren’t as obsessed with carpet as Americans)

Sales tax (how much will this cost? Nobody knows!)

Roadside tourist attractions (world’s biggest ball of yarn etc)

“it’s only a 6 hour drive”

Buying tea in a gallon jug

Being in the prairie states and there literally being nothing in any direction for miles not even trees

Tornadoes anything to do with tornado culture

Waffle house

The mere concept of semi trucks / 18 wheelers

HELL IS REAL billboard here in Ohio

The giant dinosaur roadside tourist attraction out in the middle of nowhere

Route 66

Fanny packs

Prom (I’ve heard other countries don’t have prom? Or any of the other 100 school dances a year??)

People microwave their tea instead of boiling it

The white people half-jog-and-wave combo when crossing the street

Freeways.  Look a Californian in the eyes, say “the 405″ and watch a piece of their soul flicker out.

Our collective inability to decide the pronunciation of “kebab”.

Sweetened tea is somehow the default.

That every restaurant claims to be “world famous” and somehow nobody ever gets called out on that bullshit.

The utter nonsense that is our continued fascination with disco.

[Image description: a stock photo of a woman holding an apple in both hands. If you are not from the United States, the apple is fucking huge, at least according to my British friends. If you’re from the US, it’s normal.]

^ That? Is a normal-sized apple. Three apples at the supermarket = about 1 ¼ pounds. (That’s about four-tenths of a kilogram.) According to my friend from Bristol, this is FREAKISHLY large. I sent him a photo of one of our so-called “lunchbox-sized” apples and his response was “that’s a normal apple. WTF do you think a full-sized apple is then” and I just about gave him a damn heart attack sending him a picture of a regular one, which covers my entire palm and then some.

–Our milk takes like three or four weeks to expire. No, I am not shitting you. Same friend and I had an entire argument over Sherlock because of the “she’s been gone at least two days, the milk’s gone off” in the second episode, with me insisting that was too much bullshit to be believed and him insisting that no, milk goes off in 3-4 days, what kind of freakish Frankenstein milk am I drinking. ( @rowanthestrange​, paging you for this conversation.)

–American cooking: “look! I put three cans in a pot and added ketchup!” If you can do closer to “from scratch” than this, people will look at you with fucking awe. I make a salsa for company parties that’s functionally “chop things and put them in a bowl, do this at certain times for three days so all the flavors meld right” and people think I’m some kind of wizard, and, in spite of the fact that you should not be able to fuck this up, they always always always do in fact manage to fuck it up when trying to recreate it.

--I have never had British bread, but I have been told by multiple British friends who’ve been to America that our bread is almost as sweet as British cake. Same with our milk–apparently it’s weirdly sweet.

–we have to refrigerate our eggs.

–apparently we say aluminum weird? (I personally think Y’ALL say it weird, but whatever, again, Rowan can confirm we have had entire arguments about this)

–schedule. We say it so the first bit is like “school,” WHICH MAKES SOME FUCKING SENSE.

–a certain subset of Americans just being like. Wildly obsessed with historical reenactment. And I’m not talking about the douchey Confederate ones, either. There are like entire groups that go out and dress as Ben Franklin and do “I’m standing on a literal soapbox teaching you about the Founding Fathers” stuff at Fourth of July festivals and stuff. I’ve met some of them. They use historical sewing tools and methods. Can you imagine sewing an entire fucking colonial dress and all its undergarments, by hand, with a bone needle?! FOR FUN?!?

football parties, including massive “super bowl parties” that can have dozens of people. going to high school football games even as adults. watching football on tv, especially on holidays.

the weird obsession with potlucks that is apparently not quite as common in other places. i mean we have potluck dinners for all sorts of gatherings and parties, we even have them for weddings

corn and soybeans, everywhere you look

midwesterners saying “ope!” about everything

the absolute inability of like half the population to pronounce “caught” correctly (it’s more like “cot,” and this is also true of other “-aught” sounding words like “thought”)

“how far is it?” “about 20 minutes, 10 if the traffic ain’t bad”

oranges the size of softballs

massive portion sizes at restaurants because we take half the meal home (not because we always eat everything in a single sitting, but because we have enough left overs for a second meal)

breakfast foods being predominently sweet

the way people in tornado alley will literally just sit on their porch and watch the tornado go past their houses with little to no alarm

*midwesterner sees a cow for the 92783916207439735825th time* “cow!!!”

how you can stand the parking lot of one church and toss rocks to hit 6 other churches in some towns

deserted highways

saguaro cacti (the stereotypical wild west cacti) and how they can literally reach like 40ft in height and are illegal to cut down

our unholy obsession with cheese

area 51

vast temperature differences from region to region

Hey, anon, thank you for the prompt, which i love! WHAT A SURPRISE, this got WILDLY away from me and turned out pretty long for just the first scene. We’re not even to the wedding yet!! but don’t worry, it’s coming. I hope you enjoy even if this only got to the aggressive looking out for each other, lol 

hitman au

The Soldier is the best of the best, the assassin his employers send when they don't want it to look like a murder—or when they want it to be an all-too-obvious murder, when they want a shot from a position that no one else could have made, a death so blatant that no one else could have pulled it off.

Well, almost no one else.

There's the Captain, of course, although the Soldier hates to admit it. But the Captain is his equal, and the two of them have spent years thwarting each other. Their employers are most often on opposite sides, and the Soldier has come up against the Captain so often that the familiarity he feels when he sees him is dangerously close to fondness.

Not that anyone can know that. His employer, Hydra, sends him out on whatever mission they deem appropriate—it doesn't matter what he thinks or wants. He doesn't know if there's an ethical way to create a hitman, but it’s definitely not the Hydra way; they had recruited him to a prosthetics program after he lost his left arm in a car wreck, and then once he had the prosthetic arm, it had been the threat to his family that had kept him with them through the brutal training. He hasn’t seen his family in years; it’s better that way. Safer for them.

His mind tends to wander on a long stakeout like this, especially under the circumstances. He ate the last of his MREs two days ago, and hunger has left him weaker than is optimal. He hasn't slept in thirty-six hours, either, because his handler left and has yet to return. The handler has likely come to some harm, but the Soldier will still complete the mission. He has no other choice. He just hopes the target shows up soon.

The target is a turncoat twice over, or maybe three times depending on how you count it. He'd taken Hydra secrets to Shield, the rival organization for which the Captain works, then turned around and sold both their secrets to the United States government. If he hasn't flipped on the government, it's only because he hasn't had time yet. And now, he never will.

The target had a five day window to come to this position; the Soldier's handlers were unable to narrow the window down any farther. This is, by the Soldier's count, day four. He can hold out another day if he needs to. It won't be pleasant, but pleasant hasn't dictated anything about his life in years. He blames the gnawing in his belly and the fatigue pressing at the back of his skull that it takes him so long to hear the footsteps approaching.

But when the sound registers, it's only an instant before he flips around, away from his sniper rifle, handgun drawn and pointed at—

The Captain.

Every single person who has functional eyes and has ever watched at least one episode/movie/scene with James Tiberius Kirk in any universe:

So a while ago I asked staff at AO3 why it was that I could post a work, update it with chapters, and have it appear no higher than tenth, ever, even with new chapters, on a busy fandom. I finally got an explanation. 

“If, however, your work is appearing below works that were already visible, it’s possible you’re running into an issue that occurs when a work is posted between 12:00 AM and 5 AM UTC - works posted during this time frame cause the system to believe the work has had a posting date set manually. (Normally you would do this by ticking “Set a different publication date” in the posting form.) This also applies to works that were initially saved as a draft on a date previous to the day they are posted. Works that have been backdated are assigned a default time of day, which may be earlier than the actual time you posted the work.”

So don’t post during that time. It just HAPPENS to be between 5 pm and 10 pm Pacific time so posting things after dinner is RIGHT OUT if you happen to live on the west coast of the US. That’s between 8 pm and 1 am east coast time.

So until they fix this (and it’s been going on a LONG time, they’re working on it but it’s a massive code overhaul, apparently) I’ll be posting fics OTHER times.  This means if you’re posting a long, multichapter work, posting the first chapter in the evening can screw up the entire rest of your posting. Posting a draft before posting for reals will also keep you from being at the top of the list. And this probably explains why some of my fics have done better than others.  What does this look like? Someone posts at, say, 4 in the afternoon my time. I come along and post around 8 pm, which is pretty typical for me, but it gets marked as “set manually” and given a time much earlier in the day, and thus appears behind everything posted that day. So it’s never on top, people start reading down the list, think they’ve seen everything that’s at the top, and don’t poke any farther.  So for writers, DO NOT POST BETWEEN  12:00 AM and 5 AM UTC. Google will translate, just plug in 12 am UTC and it will pop up your local time in most places.  For readers, realize this exists and that you’re probably missing something. Scroll back if it’s between those hours, and after those hours.