catana

Bruce, turning slowly to Dick: You don't say?

(Bruce: I'm not upset you're pan, I'm upset you're dating him

Batfam head turn around

Full image under cut

*ping*

Jason: sup' sluts.

Damian: oh good, you're finally here.

Tim: yeah usually you're out doing shit like an hour earlier, what were you doing?

Jason: playing tech support for Ra's

Damian: oh god, what did he want now?

Jason: he was trying to figure out how to mute uncle Dusan's number

Dick: isn't Dusan... his son?

Jason: he doesn't like him very much.

Damian: *snickers* ok well now that you're here i can finally do... this!

Tim: *confused hum*

Damian: as you know, a game has been invented that you're all invested in with varying levels,

Tim: -oh my god it's a fucking league days thing.

Damian: now, Drake-

Tim: no, no, it's fine. i'm gonna fucking crush this but i need you to know i'm going to hate every second of it.

Jason: why did you have to wait for me to play, i'm literally the only member of the family who can't participate because i already know everything.

Damian: -well if you'd let me fucking EXPLAIN,

Tim: aight damn Robin-,

Damian: this league days entry is very special, in that Jason didn't write it. i did.

*a beat*

Tim: but why-

Dick: -you clearly just want to tell us something and are using the game to do it, so we-

Tim: -s obviously going to be true,

Damian: well maybe it is and maybe it isn't, you have to figure that out.

Jason, amused: alright, i'll bite, give me the line.

Damian: *clears throat* 'this morning, i had a very interesting catch-up with my mother, during which i learnt some very important information...'

Jason: that's so- *laugh* that's so vague Day, the fuck did she tell you?

Damian: well Akhi, as you know, my mother and i talk quite often, and equally as often you are the subject of conversation,

Jason: -because i'm cool and you want to be like me-

Damian: -because you piss me off and she and grandfather are the only other two that truly get it. anyway, this morning we happened upon the subject of your resurrection and coming to be at the league.

Jason, audibly confused: okaaay...?

Dick: like- like when he got put in the lazarus pit?

Damian: no no Grayson, before that. you see, when Jason first came back to life it was unaided by any kind of magical assistance. grandfather is still pissed off he doesn't know how he did it.

Jason: yeah i just kinda dug my way out, but i don't remember anything after that. why the fuck is this relevant?

Damian: well i was talking to mother about it, and as it turns out, you were wandering around Gotham in a comatose-state for twenty-eight minutes before a league member found you and took you back to the compound. after mother found out, she had the tech experts go back and scrub all footage of you during this time from the city security cameras. she did however, keep a copy on file. i am now in possession of this footage.

Jason: riiight...? so what- is this just you having footage of me wandering around like a dumb zombie and thinking it looks funny?

Damian, innocent: no no, there's another reason it's interesting. speaking of- Timothy Jackson Drake, you've been quiet for quite a few moments now; do you have anything to put in here...?

*a few beats of silence*

Tim: *slowly* i... am not completely sure... why i would be of interest to this conversation.

Damian: well that's not very good sportsmanship is it? Jason, shall i send you the footage?

Jason: what the fuck is going on?

Tim: ok, ok... ok.

Damian: i am sending it over to you all, if you would like to pull up your screens and take a took,

Tim: I SAID OK.

Jason: why am i watching this- it's just me walking ar-

*a beat of silence*

Dick, laughing slightly: wait. wait.

Jason: is that-

Tim: ok so i'm actually quite glad that this is coming up in conversation because it's been on my mind for a while-,

Damian: yeah so Drake fully came across Jason in his newly-resurrected state and upon watching him stumble down the street took a photo and then walked away.

Jason: WHAT

Dick: OH, MY, GOD. *cackle*

Jason: TIM?!

Dick: *still laughing*

Tim: ok, so-

Dick: *wheezing* HE JUST- HE JUST TAKES A BITE OF HIS HOTDOG AND WATCHES YOU DRUNKENLY WALK INTO A TELEPHONE POLE-

Tim, seriously: i have felt. so unbelievably bad about this for the past three years Jason, you have no idea.

Jason: what the fuck. you knew i was alive? YOU FUCKIN' KNEW BRUCE WAS BATMAN YOU COULD HAVE CALLED HIM!

Dick: *hysterical laughter*

Jason: DICK SHUT THE FUCK UP

Tim: I- I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS ACTUALLY YOU-

Jason: W- OH BECAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY OTHER OPTIONS?!

Tim: w- i mean maybe? i thought it could have been a cosplayer? or something?

Jason: A COSPLAYER. COSPLAYING BRUCE WAYNE'S DEAD SON.

Tim: THIS CITY'S FUCKED I DON'T KNOW-!

Dick: *weeping*

Jason: NO WHAT'S FUCKED IS YOU TOOK A PHOTO.

Tim: I- I LIKE PHOTOGRAPHY!? I DON'T KNOW- LOOK I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS ACTUALLY YOU AT FIRST, AND BY THE TIME I REALISED IT WAS YOU WERE ALREADY BACK AS RED HOOD AND I- I THOUGHT YOU'D BEAT ME UP IF YOU KNEW!

Jason: you.... little bitch.

Tim: Jason,

Jason: i fucking- i knew it,

Tim: come on-,

Jason: i fucking knew you'd been after the Robin gig from the beginning,

Tim: OH JASON COME ON-

Jason: ALL THAT BULLSHIT ABOUT IT NOT BEING YOUR CHOICE, ABOUT IT BEING FOR BATMAN, FOR THE GOOD OF GOTHAM,

Dick: *painful wheeze*

Jason: YOU FUCKING LITTLE. BITCH. i cannot believe i told Damian to go easy on you when he first showed up here. i mean you fucking- *slight wheeze* YOU TOOK A PHOTO-?

Tim: I'M SORRY.

Jason: YOU ARE A TRAITOR TO THIS FAMILY AND THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU IM SHOOTING YOU IN THE DICK WITH A RUBBER BULLET.

Tim: OH COME ON PLEASE-

*disconnecting ping*

Tim: ARE YOU FUCKING- DAMIAN WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Damian: *sounding pleased* maybe you shouldn't have eaten the last of the vegan bacon this morning.

Dick: *coughing, gasping for breath* oh my- oh my god i love you all so much, you make me so happy,

Tim: DICK HE'S GOING TO KILL ME-

They’d tried, that first month after his identity had been revealed, because Barry and Hal insisted “Nah you fuckass rich man, lets see your bougie crib you're not getting out of this-”

But… they just couldn't

The first time, Tim had walked in, in civvies, and asked for “everything we have on Bane, Steph and I need to know where he’s most recently holed up and then all of his safe houses so we can make sure to send him an obnoxious birthday card, licensed by Joker, of course.”

The next time, it’d been Dick, in full Nightwing suit, not even bothering to walk, just cartwheeling around the table as he asked “What do you want from that thai place down the road B? Me n hood are staked out nearby and are getting dinner for everyone. Your card, of course.”

The fifth, Stephanie and Barbara had rushed in, one in full Spoiler gear, the other clearly off shift from the library, and demanded Bruce settle an argument they were having- context clues revealing they'd been having this debate in public

The twelfth Damian had come through on a cow, and ordered Hal to use his ring to chorale his herd of sheep into a corner of the cave while Clark and Barry built a quick enclosure for them

Then came Duke, shining like a lamppost and asking where they kept the duct tape(reasons unknown) and Cass, dangling upside down from a spider web

But they weren't even the worst part. The kids were cute, sometimes helpful, a mild annoyance at best. 

But Bruce. Bruce was the real problem. Because these were his kids. They were his precious baby angels and the League was in their house so they had the power- not the League

Tim needed the Bane’s address for dubious and probably nefarious reasons? Bruce stopped telling the League about the new alien race- the race he was the only one who knew anything about and their threat was imminent if they didn't come up with a plan- and helped Tim log into the computer. Tim had his own codes. That didn't matter. 

Dick wanted his thai order? Bruce went “Dick,” And the League waited for an admonishment. At least some rebuttal of using Bruce Wayne's credit card while dressed as Nightwing. Instead they got- “We have guests. Would anyone like anything from the thai place?” 

He’d settled the debate between the Batgirls and then comforted Stephanie for the rest of the meeting when she sulked, carrying her around in his arms like it was the most natural thing in the world

Damian barked his commands and Hal looked at Bruce in amusement, waiting for him to chide his son, but Bruce merely lifted an eyebrow, and Barry and Clark were already moving to get the supplies

Anything and everything his kids wanted, an interruption they made, they were allowed, they were given, they were excused. They stopped having meetings in the Manor shortly after Bruce up and left in the middle of the briefing to watch the impromptu theater performance his kids were putting on

She and Lakan stay in regular contact through letters, both of them gushing over letters only for someone top look over their shoulders and see letter is only a move in go They're playing long distance each letter is just the next move. At least until Maomao is born the Fengxian includes scribble drawings Maomao does or hand prints...Lakan office and room are full all walls covered in them.

The two reunite and although they live with La clan and Lakan gets headship but they still visit Luoman and the visit Verdigris house (Madame still hastes Lakan but they send good business recommending them to high ranking officials). So Maomao still has her big sisters and still learns about medicine and poison from Luomen.

She still tests on herself , Lakan freaks out but Fengxian trusts her daughter just makes sure they have plenty of antivenom and antidotes ( Basically every room in the LA family state has an emergency draw for if Maomao has had poison again)

Maomao doesn't get kidnapped, she ends up in rear palace because consort Ah-Dou she can see that Lishu is struggling she can't intervene or protect her within her own court so she contacts Fenxian who she's met at functions other the years.

Ah-Dou- Fengxian you have a daughter correct. Is she as terrifying as you?

Fenxian: Of course

Ah-Dou: May I please request a favor?

Maomao enters Lishu's court not as a noble but as a lady in waiting (and the food tester, it's how she agreed to it)

Maomao: Do I really need to go into court I want to make medicine

Fengxian: You will be testing food for poison

Maomao:....deal

She of course see's the bullying in the court and instantly Nopes, she does totally overhaul terrifying Lishu's ladies in waiting and getting rid of them, she spends time around other servants and ends up recruiting other servants as new ladies in waiting ones who will actually care for and protect Lishu. Full big sister Maomao mode with Lishu.

She keeps an eye on other departments dressing as a maid while moving around to avoid suspicion and still see's the confrontation between Gyokuyo and Lishu and sends the messages with torn dress (She didn't get chance to change and couldn't go into their pavilions in her lady in waiting clothes)

She gets dragged in the room with other maids also, she kinda gets stuck and pulled in and meets Gyokuyo having to admit so sorry can't be your lady in waiting already Lishu's. Jinshi suddenly puts together about the totally change in ladies in waiting and promotion of other servants. Jinshi is very curious but Maomao is able to divert attention.

Gyokuyo still wants to see Maomao and so she moves between both her and Lishu and gets Lishu to spend more time with Gyokuyo the two getting along well.

She also helps Lihua as before and then she is basically going between 3 of them and the 3 consorts spend time together... Lihua and Gyokuyo figure out who Moamao is but they're not saying they want to keep Maomao around and also they are all shipping Jinmao and enjoying watching this soap opera.

The banquet happens but Maomao is of course Lishu's food tester not Gyokuyo's but none of the old ladies in waiting are there to bully Lishu and swap bowls so Moamao still gets poison. (She 100% tried to get to test food for all 3 consorts ... they didn't let her)

Lakan still trolls Jinshi because he's seen letters Ah-Dou and others sent Fengxian keeping her updated and is suspicious about Jinshi and his precious daughter. (Fengxian and Jinshi are planning the wedding already)

When Maomao is still dismissed after the poisoning is revealed and Jinshi is super upset and sulky until fancy banquet and high ranking personnel and then sees Maomao again as daughter of head of La clan...

Maomao: I suppose you are upset than I hide my identity

Jinshi:...

Jinshi:Yes very upset (he says hypothetically ignoring looks he is getting form the emperor and Gaoshun)

She still comes back to rear place (The consorts missed her so much... plus they have a betting pool... a lot of people are in it Fengxian has a board plotting moves so the 2 get together when she's bet...while Lakan is pouting in corner that no one deserves their baby girl)

(Light Novel spoilers

Lahan is raised as Maomao's brother and adores his sister, the two are chaos gremlins her making medicines and him plotting how to self and market them

He is also adored by Verdegris house the beloved little brother... also everyone is pretty sure he and Maomao are twins they know there was only 1 baby but... they're sure the 2 are siblings.

The madame also adores him both coming up with schemes for money and he happily does the accounting when they visit (they're sure he's her favorite)

Duke: Shut the fuck up.

Jason: You shut the fuck up.

Duke: Zombie

Jason: Flashlight

Duke: That's why the joker still alive

Jason: That's why the joker did what he did to ya mom.

Duke: Nigga where ya mom at? Dea—

Bruce over the comms who, along with the entire bat family has been listening to entire thing: Signal, Red Hood! SPERATE! NOW!