the tension between the genuine cleverness of the joke and the incompetence implied by putting it on two-sentence horror is what makes this for me

“what time is it” you ask, i pull out my 2.7 metric ton granite sundial and immediately crush both of your feet, I loudly announce “it is cloudy”

it's not glamorous, but it's also not honest work, and nobody needs to do it

embarrassing: this girl thought that glory and honor were real things and has only now realized that her death will be nothing but feeding a meaningless meatgrinder

no, i think its talking about the guy who tries to beat sonic hedgehog

Not now kitten daddy's googling his symptoms

Daddy has five days left to live

my d.b. cooper theory is that the rapture happened while he was falling and he was the only christian worthy of heaven

I took a 6yo boy to his placement and as soon as I got him situated in the back he saw my SpongeBob driver’s license air freshener hanging on my rearview mirror. He asked if that’s really SpongeBob’s driver’s license and I said yeah it’s real. Then he asked where I got it if SpongeBob’s underwater so I told him I wore a helmet like Sandy and stole it from SpongeBob when he slept, and without missing a beat he goes “That’s identity fraud”

boys like it when you imprison them in the ornate birdcage that hangs in the centre of your lair

why do people keep tagging this as whump what is whump. is it the sound they make when they throw themselves against the bars of the cage because they love it in there so much

Strangling him with our red string of fate

girls are asking me to "touch the demon inside of them." chill I haven't even had breakfast yet

girls are asking me to "touch the brea st

Unsentence mix my post at once foul harlot.

se x my fo ot.