Counting Horses

A guy like that walks into your tower with a toothpick in his mouth, takes one look at your summoning circle and goes

“I see yer problem. You used chalk B12 instead of S3. B12 is only for transmutation circles. Gimme a sec I think I have a piece somewhere here.”

He fixes your circle, test summons an imp and goes.

“The chalk? I always use that chalk, it’s never been a problem.”

“Ah - yes. This stuff will work just fine for most circles, but, uh - here, take a look with my loupe. You see the off-color flecks? Can’t hardly see them with the naked eye, but those are impurities. Silicates, might even be some iron in here, to be honest. Usually won’t cause a problem, but - you said you hadn’t tried this particular summons before?”

“First time trying a 5th level, yeah.”

“Those silicates will make your scribing a little fuzzy when viewed from the astral plane. You see, for example, these three fine lines here? With this chalk, on the astral that looks like one thick line with fuzzy edges. They can’t tell exactly what you want, and they’re picky lil’ critters so they just won’t do anything in response.”

“Really? Oh. I always thought the expensive chalk was just fancy to be fancy.”

“Making pure chalk is difficult, you need a dedicated production line or dust gets in the finished product. To be honest, you don’t need to bother with it for most things, but 5th and up, 5th level and up, it actually is necessary. Anything with lines within about two millimeters of each other.”

“So I need to start over?”

“Unfortunately yes. You’ll have to erase all this, but with some good chalk it should work just fine. Next new moon your summons should go off without a hitch.”

“Dang. At least it’s not my sigils, I was worried it was my sigils.”

“Nah Your sigils look good. Even and balanced. You know what you’re doing, it’s just an equipment problem.”

“Thanks for the help, sorry to make you come all the way out here.”

Anxious looking client, poring over her personal grimoire in the hopes of finding answers: "Yes, and I was so careful with my invocations, and I spent hours on the sigils and I busted out the fancy incense and everything and I just don't know what got muddled. It's not my chalk, is it? It says it's certified on the package.."

Wizard: "Nope, your chalk's good quality, you didn't get stiffed there. Your sigils all look good too, and I read the invocations while Gary was driving us over, and they seemed perfectly appropriate. Say hello, Gary."

Gary: "Hi, I'm on a work placement, so I'm shadowing him."

Wizard: "Alright, kid, what's rule number one?"

Gary: "Double check everything. You've gone over the invocations, we've both seen the circle and the materials, there was nothing in the stars last night that ought to have interfered... I'm not sure, honestly. This ritual should have worked."

Wizard: "Uh huh, it's a competently put together rite. So why didn't it work?"

Gary: "Uhhhhhhh... ma'am? Are you currently or have you ever been haunted, or perhaps impugned the Good Neighbours?"

Client: "Not to my knowledge, no."

Wizard: "Good instinct, but here's rule number two for ya, kid. Never assume an otherworldly vendetta when slapdash maintenance is still on the table. Ma'am, do you rent this ritual space?"

Client: "Yes, I don't have the space for a full sanctum at home."

Wizard: "The guy you rented it from hasn't maintained the wards correctly - I assume that was part of the rental agreement?"

Client, outraged: "Yes! It was!"

Wizard, nodding sadly: "Take a look at the threshold, Gary. You see the runes on the doorjamb?"

Gary, squinting: "Uh, barely."

Wizard: "Exactly, they oughta be hummin' away in the back of your mind. But they aren't, because?"

Gary, spinning around in shock: "Oh damn! The door sticks in cold weather, right?"

Client: "Yeah.."

Gary: "The force of shoving it open has scuffed the carving of some of the runes, brought down the entire ward around the door."

Client: "Bloody fool. Why wouldn't he just carve them deeper?"

Wizard: "Easier to sand down and rent for non ritual purposes, if it comes to that. Doesn't have to replace the whole doorjamb. It can work, but you need to reinforce them with oil and blessed pigment more frequently than you would runes that were carved deep. Every two weeks instead of once a lunar month. Guy's done the bare minimum and is hoping you won't know enough to blame him when things go wrong."

Client: "That incompetent arsehole! I'll haul him in front of the Wizard's Council for this!"

Wizard: "You really should, ma'am. This could have been a lot worse than one of the fellas downstairs popping in. Unwarded portals are a magnet for unspeakable monstrosities from the Dungeon Dimensions. Trust me, once you get those guys infesting your space, you lose all your tools, the space itself and sometimes even your magical name to the purification process. Along with every other ritualist in the building, and the schmuck who caused the problem. What have we learned, Gary?"

Gary: "Double check every ward, every time you invoke?"

🐎 @prokopetz

A thing that bothers me about wizard schools in popular media – outside of the magic-grade-school stuff, anyway – is that they're typically depicted as being basically magic universities, but their actual curricula and pedagogical approaches look much more like those of a technical institution. Like, buddy, that's not a wizard university, that's a wizard trade school. You can't just slap university student culture on top of trade school pedagogy. It doesn't work like that – the one emerges from the other!

🐎 @prokopetz

"Well ACTUALLY wizards are" wizards are made up. They can be analogous to whatever real-world class or vocation the author wants. Wizard-school-as-university and wizard-school-as-technical-institute are both perfectly fine; what I am grumping about is wizard-school media that doesn't seem to have a clear picture of how different sorts of educational institutions actually operate.

🥕 @da-boy-o-kultur

Okay but now I really want to know what a Wizard technician would look like. Would he wear magical overalls with all kinds of reagents and magic tools sticking out of his numerous pockets?

A guy like that walks into your tower with a toothpick in his mouth, takes one look at your summoning circle and goes

“I see yer problem. You used chalk B12 instead of S3. B12 is only for transmutation circles. Gimme a sec I think I have a piece somewhere here.”

He fixes your circle, test summons an imp and goes.

“There ya go. Fit as a fiddle.”

🥕 @ruckuscauser

“It’s the chalk.”

“The chalk? I always use that chalk, it’s never been a problem.”

“Ah - yes. This stuff will work just fine for most circles, but, uh - here, take a look with my loupe. You see the off-color flecks? Can’t hardly see them with the naked eye, but those are impurities. Silicates, might even be some iron in here, to be honest. Usually won’t cause a problem, but - you said you hadn’t tried this particular summons before?”

“First time trying a 5th level, yeah.”

“Those silicates will make your scribing a little fuzzy when viewed from the astral plane. You see, for example, these three fine lines here? With this chalk, on the astral that looks like one thick line with fuzzy edges. They can’t tell exactly what you want, and they’re picky lil’ critters so they just won’t do anything in response.”

“Really? Oh. I always thought the expensive chalk was just fancy to be fancy.”

“Making pure chalk is difficult, you need a dedicated production line or dust gets in the finished product. To be honest, you don’t need to bother with it for most things, but 5th and up, 5th level and up, it actually is necessary. Anything with lines within about two millimeters of each other.”

“So I need to start over?”

“Unfortunately yes. You’ll have to erase all this, but with some good chalk it should work just fine. Next new moon your summons should go off without a hitch.”

“Dang. At least it’s not my sigils, I was worried it was my sigils.”

“Nah Your sigils look good. Even and balanced. You know what you’re doing, it’s just an equipment problem.”

“Thanks for the help, sorry to make you come all the way out here.”

“No problem! It’s my job.”

🥕 @limnaia

Wizard in heavily embroidered overalls, leaning on his staff as he looks around the ritual room: "It's a nice setup ya got here, ma'am. Real good vibes. So, you were trying to summon your inner demons, you said? And accidentally got one of the big fellas downstairs instead?"

Anxious looking client, poring over her personal grimoire in the hopes of finding answers: "Yes, and I was so careful with my invocations, and I spent hours on the sigils and I busted out the fancy incense and everything and I just don't know what got muddled. It's not my chalk, is it? It says it's certified on the package.."

Wizard: "Nope, your chalk's good quality, you didn't get stiffed there. Your sigils all look good too, and I read the invocations while Gary was driving us over, and they seemed perfectly appropriate. Say hello, Gary."

Gary: "Hi, I'm on a work placement, so I'm shadowing him."

Wizard: "Alright, kid, what's rule number one?"

Gary: "Double check everything. You've gone over the invocations, we've both seen the circle and the materials, there was nothing in the stars last night that ought to have interfered... I'm not sure, honestly. This ritual should have worked."

Wizard: "Uh huh, it's a competently put together rite. So why didn't it work?"

Gary: "Uhhhhhhh... ma'am? Are you currently or have you ever been haunted, or perhaps impugned the Good Neighbours?"

Client: "Not to my knowledge, no."

Wizard: "Good instinct, but here's rule number two for ya, kid. Never assume an otherworldly vendetta when slapdash maintenance is still on the table. Ma'am, do you rent this ritual space?"

Client: "Yes, I don't have the space for a full sanctum at home."

Wizard: "The guy you rented it from hasn't maintained the wards correctly - I assume that was part of the rental agreement?"

Client, outraged: "Yes! It was!"

Wizard, nodding sadly: "Take a look at the threshold, Gary. You see the runes on the doorjamb?"

Gary, squinting: "Uh, barely."

Wizard: "Exactly, they oughta be hummin' away in the back of your mind. But they aren't, because?"

Gary, spinning around in shock: "Oh damn! The door sticks in cold weather, right?"

Client: "Yeah.."

Gary: "The force of shoving it open has scuffed the carving of some of the runes, brought down the entire ward around the door."

Client: "Bloody fool. Why wouldn't he just carve them deeper?"

Wizard: "Easier to sand down and rent for non ritual purposes, if it comes to that. Doesn't have to replace the whole doorjamb. It can work, but you need to reinforce them with oil and blessed pigment more frequently than you would runes that were carved deep. Every two weeks instead of once a lunar month. Guy's done the bare minimum and is hoping you won't know enough to blame him when things go wrong."

Client: "That incompetent arsehole! I'll haul him in front of the Wizard's Council for this!"

Wizard: "You really should, ma'am. This could have been a lot worse than one of the fellas downstairs popping in. Unwarded portals are a magnet for unspeakable monstrosities from the Dungeon Dimensions. Trust me, once you get those guys infesting your space, you lose all your tools, the space itself and sometimes even your magical name to the purification process. Along with every other ritualist in the building, and the schmuck who caused the problem. What have we learned, Gary?"

Gary: "Double check every ward, every time you invoke?"

Wizard: "Because it only takes forgetting once for something to turn into an eldritch emergency. See, ma'am, he's a bright kid. He's gonna go far in this trade, I'm telling you. Now, let's get you sorted with the grievance forms for the Council."

𓃗 @exhausted-cryptid-deactivated20

when it takes you a while to process what someone is saying and you realize they asked you a question

[Image]

🍎 @doughfox

I cannot fucking believe I am drunk, past midnight, and tumblr is throwing fucking saturated fatty-acids at me

♞ @musicprincess655

Listen here friendo I didn’t sit through a year of organic chemistry for you to come into my house and call a carboxylic acid a saturated fatty acid you respect that hexadecanoic acid

🐴 @bismuthcladbattleship

And I didnt get a degree in biochemistry to hear you say that carboxylic acids with aliphatic chains arent fatty acids. That hexadecanoic acid IS a saturated fatty acid!

🍎 @mutttooth

[Image]

🏇 @memecucker

Apparently one type of deer hunting practiced in the Middle Ages was using “stalking horses” which involves crouching behind horse in a forest and slowly guiding it towards a deer that’s been tracked because deer are not frightened by the sight of other tall quadrupeds and I like how “horses as a form of camouflage” is belongs to the list of uses for domestic horses

🥕 @elodieunderglass

Thank you @chiropteracupola ! “Stalking horse” is still a phrase and one whose meaning is easy to remember, I think

🥕 @parasiticheart

theyre making spiders mandatory in sex. theyre saying its not sex unless a spider is involved

🍎 @markadoo

nonsexually (no spider) fellating your friend but then you notice a spider on their leg and you’re like dammit i don’t have enough money to replace all my straight pride flag clothing, tableware, etc. with bi pride flag clothing, tableware, etc. so you have to stop sucking even though you were really enjoying it

They should stop letting people have horses if they’re not gonna give them fun names.

🍎 @leolaroot

"dont smoke around your pets" okay well i dont even smoke im asthmatic. my dog smokes bc she needs to fucking chill sometimes and Yeah i light them for her Obviously bc she cant use a lighter. i dont get anyrhing out of this arrangment and i resent the implication. in fact shes giving ME secondhand smoke. so my question is why are you so hateful and jugemental and acting like an asshole to me making presumptions and shit about my life.

♞ @ivanoyva

What. What. What. What.

🍎 @leolaroot

im gonna pop some.tag