A Study of Nonsense

when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"

melissa barging into ottawa's offices and just handing over a contract for her employment.

"um, excuse me, ma'am, who ar-"

"i have kept shane hollander alive and fed his for almost his entire nhl career, and i have invested too much time to stop now."

"but ma'am, we-"

"no more questions. sign."

obviously she's a dietician with a specialty in athletes which means the primary concerns of her patients are 1. need All The Fucking Calories and 2. need All The Fucking Protein, but in my heart, she is the flavor of dietician who focuses also on enjoyment and satiety (fun fact: you actually digest food better and get more nutrition out of food you like eating). like you're going to eventually get sick of how much you have to eat by the time you're 3/4 of the way through the season, but by GOD WILL SHE TRY TO MAKE THINGS ENJOYABLE AS LONG AS SHE CAN.

so she meets 20 year old shane who already comes into this meeting apologetic because he KNOWS this is all specific and it's a pain to have aversions when he already has allergies to work around, so he doesn't mind a lot of repetition when-

and melissa is just ✋ i did not put in the work to get this degree only to suck at this job. let's talk texture preferences.

shane the day melissa finds out her dietetic magnum opus is out here RECREATIONALLY POISONING HIMSELF like she doesn't have a fucking DOSSIER on his ass crafted over YEARS of trial and error and research and innovation

SHE HAND-SELECTS MENUS BASED ON HOW STRESSED YOU ARE AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN THE SEASON AND BASED ON THE WIN/LOSS BALANCE OF THE TEAM BECAUSE ANXIETY MAKES YOU NAUSEOUS SO YOU NEED ADJUSTED FLAVOR PROFILES AND THE SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF HER DIRECT SUPERVISION, YOU FUCK AROUND????

my tags and then @meghan-maria's tags because i have received wisdom from the great beyond that shane was SO apologetic and so ready to just take whatever melissa picked for him that she actively has him report back on the meals with what he thinks about them and if he liked them or not and what he would want to change because she wants to encourage healthy ideas about food and being able to enjoy them and not having to apologize for "melissa, please don't make me eat quinoa the texture is Bad melissa i am so tired of quinoa", WHICH MEANS.

shane has a snapchat that is ONLY to send melissa his meals and thoughts. she is the only person he has on there. he sends them to her daily with his thoughts after he eats his mealpreps and snacks.

but this ALSO means that when he gets drunk, brain is still going "gotta tell melissa". and i am CACKLING at the idea of shane out with the team after the first cup win sending a fucking. BARELY in frame, very blurry because he can't hold the phone still, can barely hear him over the noise of the bar video on snapchat that's just, "mmmm so. oh, hi melissa! it's shane. ummmm so there's fries, which are potatoes, so one of the highest satiety factors but fried so ummm i don't know. also there's mushrooms" *the fastest and blurriest camera pan of all time that maybe showed fried mushrooms and maybe didn't because there is truly no way to tell* "but umm. gross. i had a sandwich. it was-hayden what was the sandwich?" *equally drunk hayden making this video even more motion sickness to watch as he grabs shane and shakes him a little bit* "it was FUCKING DELICIOUS, BUDDY. that's what it was!" "no, hayd! this is for melissa. i have to tell her." (he does not. shane, baby, the season is over and this is you eating bar food). "oh, it was chicken and something." "melissa, it was chicken and something. and it had avocado so bad, but i got cheese. fat with protein. okay bye. oh also salad. because fiber, and, um, micronutrients. okay bye."

melissa saves it and it is her favorite thing to watch on hard days when she needs to laugh.

and melissa has been SO proud of shane's development over time. because he did come in with some behaviors that were a little concerning, and through dedication and being That Fucking Good at her job, they've really managed together to find a good balance for shane between feeling like he is adaquately fueling himself for peak performance but also ENJOYING food. this supports his nutritional requirements AND it's tasty. he can have both things! it's okay to like your food! it doesn't have to be penance!

and i am imagining melissa's heart hurting so much watching shane sloooowly falling victim to not expressing preferences because everything feels bad right now and restriction over food and being able to muscle through makes him feel like he has control over something. and he's hitting macros and calories and on paper is eating Fine. but he's not enjoying it. his snapchats and texts are now questions about protein and bioavailability and supplements and not, "was this the same sauce as the one last month?? it tasted really good." or "the texture of the chicken was weird when it was cooked like that. can we change it? i liked when it was cut really thin in last week's grain bowl."

and like. what can she do? she can offer choices and lean on the information she's gathered from years of working with him, but she doesn't have control over the team or management. she can make her office a safe space for him to be in, but the second he's out that door, she can't do anything. and he's her client, yes, but she's gotten very fond of him over their years together and getting to watch his life get better because of working with her, and now he's hurting and restricting himself and there's nothing she can do about it because this team has become bad for him.

and now i am thinking about what a difference it would make if melissa took him aside towards the end of the season to have a very genuine conversation of, "i know this isn't my place on this team and i'd probably get fired for saying it, but you aren't happy here, shane, and if you need to go somewhere else where you can be happy and healthy, i think you should consider making that choice."

and shane has to admit to this VERY deep and personal relationship with melissa (SIGNIFICANTLY: DOESN'T SAY HER JOB. JUST SAYS "oh, melissa likes to make sure i'm eating okay on the road" BECAUSE DOESN'T THINK TO CLARIFY WHO MELISSA IS. SHE'S MELISSA.) and ilya is lowkey highkey very jealous about it (ilya ffs), so we get a microdose of the rose jealousy that in this soft little bubble makes ilya want to dibs shane because HE isn't getting snapchats of what shane is eating all day. someone else?? has something with shane that he doesn't??? unac-fucking-ceptable.

so ilya kicks this bf rp up to fucking ELEVEN, and shane gets put at ease because melissa's response is, "oooh, tasty! looks like those are the good pickles, too!" so now melissa has cosigned at least one element of today, so it feels a little more comfortable. and like. he knows that contacting his dietician so often is probably Not Normal, but ilya?? doesn't make fun of him for it?? not genuinely at least?? (again: ILYA DOES NOT KNOW SHE IS A DIETICIAN. HE THINKS MELISSA IS A GIRL SHANE IS TALKING TO ENOUGH THAT SHE GETS SNAPCHATS ABOUT WHAT HE'S EATING EVEN *AT ILYA'S HOUSE*.) at dinner, he even pushes shane's plate towards him at a better angle with, "melissa will want to know this also?"

and what ILYA thinks he's doing is staking a claim against melissa. yeah, sure, you get pictures of what shane is eating. but ilya is MAKING what shane is eating. en garde, harlot. 🖕

and also!! because of when this happened!! ilya doesn't ask the you like girls question because the answer would appear to be YES. what he asks instead is, "you message melissa often?" because again! HE thinks this is someone shane is potentially seeing!

and shane (WHO THINKS HE'S JUST ANSWERING ABOUT HIS DIETICIAN) answers, "yeah, pretty often. she says she likes it, though. she gets worried when i DON'T message her a few times a day haha. she's really nice."

and ilya is fucking SEETHING with jealousy. in his home!!! texting a woman!!! outrageous!!!

but also the nudge he needs to try and push for a little bit more with shane because oh!! this feels bad!!! the potential of someone taking him feels bad!!! and it's a little scary but today has been SO fucking nice. so ilya just wants a LITTLE claim! a little assurance that shane won't up and ghost him one day for fucking MELISSA.

so that night (because again! no talk that ended in the first names meltdown!), they're in bed and it's dark and ilya SO casually guys. SO casual. he's SO casual y'all. is just, "this is nice, yes?" and for shane?? yeah, actually. he did have to bring up his allergies because melissa noticed he's in someone's house and was curious so he said he was at a friend's, and melissa saw something in the background and was like, "did you let them know that almond butter better stay WELL away from anything for you?" which prompted shane into "hmmmmmm better mention this big thing for the first time in years", and then ilya?? was so nice about it?? scolded him for not saying something but in a way that was obviously not actually mad at him but then put allergens away?? and also is so cool about shane's maybe-dependent relationship with his dietician??

and it's a reminder that ilya is a place where it's safe for him to be a little off and not perfect and it's actually really nice to be with him like this. he hadn't know if it would be until it happened, but today?? was pretty great??

so when ilya asks if shane would like to do this more often, his answer is yes.

i see this and raise you: melissa ends up accidentally being the first person in the world to know about hollanov because ilya after he decides on Time To Get Fucking Serious starts researching allergies because melissa (the ENEMY) might get pictures of shane's food, but ilya will MAKE food. he is WINNING this fight.

and in the course of researching allergies, he gets in his own head about allergen contamination and the fact that allergens can cause reactions in semen if someone is sensitive enough, so he goes to HIS team's nutrition department to ask questions and adjust his meals to be allergy-friendly with the excuse of an allergic girl he's seeing a lot, and the dietician on the team is ?? wow?? that's a lot of restrictions. hmmmm. and then has a lightbulb moment of "oh! doesn't melissa over on montreal's team do a lot of work with allergies?? she gave a presentation at a conference a couple of years ago. let me send her an email."

and listen! melissa fucking LOVES allergies and adjustments. there's a limit to how much she'll do for a rival team, but yeah, she can at least point you in the right direction for the sake of not accidentally killing whatever poor woman thinks she's going to lock down infamous womanizer ilya rozanov. go ahead and send over her-

...huh. this list looks. Pretty Fucking Familiar.

GOD ilya manages to track down A Melissa through the grapevine because whispers on the team are that shane is in love with a melissa who's on staff, so he narrows it down to the three melissas and because of his impeccable gaydar dismisses registered dietician melissa because Oh For Sure Not Into Men, which leaves communications office melissa and legal department melissa. through stalking instagram for an amount of time he will NEVER admit to, he decides that communications office melissa is faithful to her boyfriend who pops up on her story regularly, but legal department melissa appears SUSPICIOUSLY single. also! has multiple pictures on her instagram of meals at restaurants!! the harlot!! he found her!! she's got a thing for food! it all makes sense! (ilya, for the love of god).

Matrilineal

Read on Ao3

If Yuna had been a different kind of person: one with a different mother, perhaps, with different scars, then maybe she would have embraced her gift. Cultivated it, shared it.

Instead she pretended it didn’t exist. Except for the times when she couldn’t avoid it.

—

Mich put it down to the grass Yuna had smoked at the Halloween party the following night.

Grass didn’t do this.

Déjà vu wasn’t quite right. She’d had that before. No, this was knowing that what she’d seen was going to happen. In the future. Sera vu, or something like that. Preemptive.

She did not call it Seeing. Not even to herself.

The whole team settles in with rapt attention, ready to roast the shit out Roz over it via group chat, only to see. Well. It's a series of interview clips over the years. It's made up exclusively three things. One, clips of Hollander "stealing" linguistically challenging questions that the whole team knows Rozanov hates. Two, clips of Rozanov derailing questions that are about Hollander's "representation of his community," which gossip on the street says makes Hollander uncomfortable. Three, Hollander and Rozanov commenting individually on the rivalry, with vicious comments such as. "He's of course a great player, but he'll find us difficult to beat." Such fire in Rozanov's comments are especially damning, given his whole chirp-king-schtick. The video editor, with all the obsession and perception of a true fangirl, makes sure to circle every instance where you can see the shadow of Hollander and Rozanov pressing their feet together - and in one instance holding hands - beneath the interview table. (You wouldn't see it unless you're looking for it - or unless someone circles it in red for you.)

The video finishes, and the team sits in a kind of shocked silence as the next video auto-plays. This one is a compilation of Rozanov chirping Hollander on the ice. Here, the editor has helpfully drawn an arrow to Hollander's face whenever he blushes. The editor has also inserted text overlays with comments like. "Look at how fiercely Rozanov insults his rival." And then puts smaller arrows pointing to Roz's body language, with helpful texts like "excited wiggle indicating absolute fury," and "besotted grin indicating deep hatred." The sarcasm is distressingly accurate in its point.

(Listen, the whole team knows what Roz looks like when he's chirping someone. This - this is not it. This is not it at all. This is him when he's being silly with people he really likes. What is going on.)

The video finishes, and this time someone has the presence of mind to stop the auto-play before another mind-breaking thing comes up.

Someone else, trying to lighten the silence with a joke, and maybe dismiss it all as a fever dream, says, "Montreal Jane? More like Montreal Shane, am I right?"

And. Well.

Once it's out there, there's no coming back from it.

Maybe my favourite one, though, is in episode 6.

When Ilya tells Shane he loves him, and Shane answers, "I love you, too. Oh my God, I love you so much," and then later, when Shane tells Yuna he loves her, she says "Oh, I love you, too. So much." I love that scene with Yuna. I love her apologising to Shane for something she did not intend to do at all, but accepting responsibility for it -- her making him feel like he could not tell her about this thing he's been keeping close for the better part of a decade -- but then her expression of love for him echoes backwards to his expression of love for Ilya, and it feels like Shane knows how to love, because he was truly and deeply loved himself, even if imperfectly. Shane's mother taught him love, and they express it in the same words.

It also makes me think back to all the love he has shown Ilya throughout their relationship, but most particularly from the point of accepting his own queerness - the open heartedness he gives Ilya in Tampa -- the comfort, and the courage he has in asking Ilya if he feels it, too -- and his sweet openness in the hospital scene. He IS brave. Ilya knows it, and that's why. And finally, I love how it also harmonises so beautifully with Ilya saying of his own mother "She would have loved you. Like I love you," because the love Ilya has known came from his mother, too, even if it also came with a deep wound.

Truly I am in awe of Jacob Tierney's writing. It's so fucking good, so generous, and just does so much that is so resonant in a very simple way. And, also the performances he got from his actors -- the way he held the whole story together in his directing.

they do not both bark but one does bite

Hayden divulges all he knows about Boston Lily and collectively they figure out that Boston Lily *must* be a guy and a Raider, and consequently *has* to be Cliff Marleau.

I mean look at him. Who else could it be? Rozanov? Those two hate each other.

The team has conspiracy boards and detailed notes and won’t stop trying to Parent Trap Marleau and Hollander. They keep trying to get Raiders members on their side.

They keep trying to “lay the groundwork” for their illustrious Captain to one day be open with his love.

The entire Raiders roster knows about Ilya and Shane and encourage the chaos. Rozanov knows what he did.

I like to think many jokes are thrown at them about the no chairs thing. In the beginning. While Ilya is behaving, like he promised Shane he would after the first time someone brought it up.

Then Shane gets fed up too, and is just like. You know what, fine. Ilya, get 'em.

So Ilya starts dead-eying anyone who says anything. Completely straight-faced. With bangers like:

'Oh, was uncomfortable for you? Not being able to relax for forty-five minutes while we end seven years of no chance to relax with one another except in secret?'

'Oh, you could not stand for thirty minutes while I marry the love of my life? Sorry, I cannot relate. Had to stand by while love of my life dated Rose Landry for months because world hates our love so much he hated himself for a little bit.'

Just increasingly unhinged shit.

I laughed so hard I cried then entered a flow state and created these super silly in-universe memes for your enjoyment lol.

POV: you’re @shanehollanderhockey

ilya scrolling twitter after his statement:

actual photo of the pikes going on a date night:

@shanehollanderhockey opening his DMs after #SextingWithShane

live video of ilya calling shane after #LeakedTexts

EDIT 2/23: more HR memes here :)

Shane almost missed the high voice over all the other noise during warm-ups. Once it registered, he looked automatically towards the metros benches, knowing Hayden's kids were watching them play today.

"Uncle Shane!" The voice called again, and Shane realized it was coming from the opposite direction.

Shane turned and saw immediately who was calling for him.

Leaning against the glass, wearing a Boston Raider's jersey that was way too big for her, Alisa Rozanov was waving at him. Shane glanced towards the Raiders' bench, where Ilya was already looking at him. Ilya's eyes were wide, but Shane gave a tiny shrug, skating towards the glass. His heart was pounding, and he knew this was going to lead to press questions that Shane had no idea how he would answer, but Alisa was only 5. She won't understand if Shane ignored her.

"Hi sunshine," Shane greets Alisa, stopping in front of the glass. He nods to the woman behind her (Stephanie, he thinks, or maybe Stacy, Marleau's girlfriend) before turning back to Ilya's niece. "Having fun?"

"Yes!" She grins at him, practically bouncing. "Are you going to play with Uncle Ilya soon?"

"As soon as warm-ups are over," Shane promises. "Are you going to cheer for us? You'll have to be loud so Ilya can hear you!"

"I can be loud!" Alisa sounded determined.

"Good!" Shane smiled widely. "I have to go back to my team now, but you be good, okay?"

"Okay! Bye-bye, Uncle Shane!" Alisa waved, and Shane waved as he skated back to his bench.

There was no doubt that his interaction with the mini Boston fan had been noticed. Shane could feel eyes on him as he skated up to Hayden, could hear the announcers talking about sportsmanship and could feel the crowd's confusion.

"What was that about?" Hayden looked genuinely confused.

"Rozanov's niece," Shane explained. "She wanted to say hi."

Hayden raised an eyebrow.

"Why was she calling you Uncle Shane?"

"I think it's a European thing," Shane shrugged, like that explained it.

"Sure," Hayden looked uncertain, like he didn't believe a word of it, but to Shane's relief, he let the subject drop.

He's helping Shane, right, because Shane is engaging in the herculean task of cleaning the last decade out of his Montreal condo. So that he can put it on the market, yes, but also so that he can move every single crumb of his life, the one he lived separate from Ilya, into Ilya's house because they are married now--they are a family now--they are starting their lives together in the place where Shane came into the world and it's--

It's been a hard day. Ilya has been doing a lot of lifting and moving, a lot of going up and down stairs. Also a lot of remembering. Here is the couch, which is coming with them to Ottawa but won't ever again be in this exact position where the sun hits it in just this way at three o'clock in the afternoon, and Ilya knows that because he's seen the angle of it on Shane's forehead a million times. Here are the stairs to the lofted second floor, the glass divider against which a younger Ilya Rozanov pressed a younger Shane Hollander and pretended that the words I Love You weren't trying to burst out of his mouth with every feverish kiss. They slid against the divider as they'd clumsily stumbled up the stairs and Shane's bare skin had squeaked against the glass and they'd laughed.

And here is the kitchen, first place aside from the cottage where they'd cooked together. And here is the front closet, where Shane had hidden Ilya's birthday present three years ago only to have it fall on Ilya's head some time in April. And here is the bedroom, where on a night many Octobers ago Shane had looked at Ilya from across the room with a smirk and said No you come here and then he'd let Ilya--

It's been an emotional day.

"Okay," Shane said, standing in the middle of the bedroom with his arms akimbo and his eyes wet. They've been wet off and on for hours now. Ilya has been carting a box of tissues around for the last little while, mostly for himself as he keeps looking up and realizing that his cheeks are wet. His eyelids feel like sandpaper. Shane, as usual, doesn't have wet cheeks--but his voice is soft and nasally, shuddery at times, words slurring very gently on certain syllables. He's saying a lot of okays and yeses in Ilya's accent, which Ilya doesn't even know if Shane realizes he does when words are hard for him to produce and he needs to reach for the comfort of some familiar, easy verbal stim. Ilya has never pointed it out for fear he'll stop.

"Okay," Shane says again, in his fake Russian accent. "Um. Last room tonight, I guess. I'll do the closet. Will you--baby?"

"Huh?" Ilya realizes a moment too late that he's just staring at the empty, made bed. Tonight will be the last night they sleep in it together. There are already enough beds in Ilya's house. Their house. "What?"

Shane pokes his own cheek. "You're...crying again."

Ilya points to the bed. "I fucked you there, Shane Hollander."

"Yeah, you did." Shane looks at the bed, grins, and then wobbles.

"The first time."

"Fuck," Shane sighs. "Jesus Christ. Okay." He closes his eyes and breaths and waves his hands in front of himself and for a minute, he is utterly possessed by Yuna Hollander. "Okay, enough."

Ilya flaps his arms once, briefly, hard at his sides. Shane echoes the movement.

"We're good," Shane says firmly. "Can you go through the nightstands? Just throw it all into a box, we'll look through it in Ottawa. At this point I just want everything empty for the movers in the morning."

Ilya goes into the hall, where a stack of folded boxes and a roll of tape are ready for the last push of the day. He puts one together, which is something he'll probably dream about tonight with how many times he's done it today, and then he puts together a few more before carting them all back into the bedroom. He stacks them against the wall outside the closet, where Shane is rummaging, and takes one to the bedside.

The nightstands have two drawers each, and a compartment directly below the table top that is intended to house books or remotes, things that a person might want easy access to but might not want to leave on the table top if they are, for instance, a Shane Hollander type who doesn't like to let people know he does human things like watch television in bed or read the occasional true crime book.

Shane's nightstand is full of little insights into his life. His spare phone charger, a copy of the key to the safe in the closet, his glasses case, a foil blister pack containing a pair of his single-use contacts, a half-empty bottle of ibuprofen. Odd little knick knacks like a slide puzzle that Ilya knows he used to take on flights just to fidget the tiles back and forth (when complete, it's a picture of the Montreal skyline) and a stress ball with the Metros logo on it. There are condoms here--an almost full box that, if Ilya had to guess, is probably reaching its expiration date soon. Two different kinds of lube, one of which was bought because it does, in fact, taste significantly better than their preferred brand. A bottle of linen spray that Shane uses if he's worried the bed smells like sex even after it's been remade.

Ilya sits on the bed with the box between his feet and systematically loads everything from the drawer into it, resisting the urge to pause and reminisce about every single item. When the drawer is empty--and there go the tears again, a pair of them racing down Ilya's face; this drawer probably hasn't been empty since Shane was nineteen--he hunches down and opens the second drawer.

This is a more eclectic collection of things. It doesn't get opened nearly as much and Ilya thinks it's possible that most of these things got put here on accident. A pair of tiny stud earrings that Ilya wore one singular time and then never saw again--when he finds them, he has the weirdest sense of deja vu and a very very vague memory of tipsily removing them and putting them in Shane's outstretched palm. They are atop the manual for the PlayStation. Here is the remote that Ilya thinks belonged to the television that used to be in the living room back in 2014ish. Here is the dimmer for the overhead light in the kitchen, which every single person in the world is forbidden from even thinking about turning on because even at its lowest setting it makes Shane feel like he's being interrogated. Here is a very small plush bear filled with tiny beads that, for reasons only Ilya and Shane know, has the words I Love Vermont embroidered onto its belly.

Here, in the very back, is a little notebook closed with a piece of elastic.

Ilya has seen these notebooks before. Yuna buys them a half dozen at a time from some Japanese stationary company and divides them between herself and Shane, sliding the stack of them across the kitchen island at the cottage or the house in Ottawa. Yuna and Shane are both prolific note-takers and habitually maintain a collection of these little notebooks to track various aspects of life. Shane has one that serves as a journal of sorts, which Ilya has seen and will sometimes watch Shane write in but doesn't go out of his way to read, because Shane is allowed his private thoughts. There is another where he tracks his workouts and diet (and part of the negotiations with Shane's new therapist is that Ilya is allowed to ask to see that one, but Shane gets to explain) and still another where he keeps track of his own game stats. When he fills one of these notebooks, he always replaces it with the same color.

This one is a different color, looks older. Ilya imagines that it's some version of the workout notebook that has been laying forgotten in this drawer for several years. He doesn't think much of flipping it open, because whatever is in there is several years old at least and it's unlikely that Shane will care about Ilya seeing the record of a workout Shane did on October sixteenth of 2013--

But that is not a workout. It quickly becomes clear that it's not a workout when Ilya sees the word 'anal' and then double-triple takes at the top of the page.

October 16th 2013 Montreal Post-game 2-3 Metros Hollander one goal, one assist Rozanov one assist Sex: Mouth stuff (Look up: ass job? Is that a thing? Google this?) 8/10 Anal 10/10 (Wow.) - On my back 8/10 (Liked seeing his face. Liked kissing.) - On my knees 10/10 (More comfortable. Wow.) Orgasms - Hollander 1 Rozanov 1 Things to remember: Doggy style goes deeper than missionary (Still called missionary if anal? Missionaries don't have anal sex. Google this?) Came untouched. Neck kisses, shoulder kisses 10/10 He stayed inside me after 10/10 (Is this normal? Google?) Feels important to note that Ilya Rozanov took my virginity. Mixed feelings. Mostly good. "Are you okay" so many times. Liked this but also why?

Ilya snaps the notebook reflexively closed, glances into the closet where Shane is loading pre-folded armfuls of clothes into boxes, and then looks back down at the notebook. He opens it, reads the first page again, breathes through his mouth for a second like an asthmatic dog and flips, randomly, to another page.

April 24th 2015 Boston (Rozanov penthouse) Post-game 1-0 Boston Rozanov one goal Bad game Sex: Round 1: Mutual blowjobs Round 2: Anal sex Round 3?: Rozanov fingered me in the shower - Didn't cum but it felt really good Orgasms - Hollander 2 Rozanov 1 Things to remember: Rozanov doesn't like to cum before fucking but he likes it when I do. Asked about equity/fairness regarding number of orgasms. He laughed? He's fucking rude. Why is this hot? Google? Rozanov stood at the end of the bed with one foot up like Captain Morgan. Very hot. Called me his slut. Came right after. How to make him do this again? Fingering in the shower worth mentioning again. Intimate. Russian words (Known): Slut, pretty, bunny (Worth mentioning I know this one? Maybe he'll stop? Do I want him to stop?) Russian words (Unkown): Idiallen (If this means idiot I will end him), youbimy, tibia (Need to figure out how these are spelled. Typing tibia into Google is useless.) "Oh, you found that."

Ilya reflexively drops the notebook into the box at his feet. Shane is standing in the closet doorway, looking flushed but not in any way that couldn't be caused by bending over several dozen times over the course of the last twenty minutes. His hair is a lost cause, sweeping down around his ears and cheeks and completely free of the product he put in it this morning.

"Sorry," Ilya says. "Didn't know what it was. I was just--"

"It's fine," Shane says. He leans against the doorway and Ilya wants him to come over here, wants him to bring himself closer so that he can touch him a little, wants him--wants him. "I knew that it was somewhere around here, I figured it would turn up."

Ilya looks back down at it, innocuously sitting on top of Vermont Beany-Baby. "How long were you...?"

"Writing it all down?" Shane chuckles. "Um, I mean, I sort of never stopped? But it goes in the calendar now, the--"

"Yes, yes." Ilya waves a hand. "I know." The calendar is a synced app in both of their phones. It keeps track of appointments and, until recently, meet-ups. Mutual days off. The stolen moments of time they carved out and into which they attempted to shove entire weeks' worth of kisses, touches, rough sex and lounging together naked and lovemaking and sleeping together and counting freckles and laughter and Shane's sweet begging and say it say it and I love you ya tebya lyublyu je t'aime.

Never enough time. Never again.

Ilya gestures to the notebook. "Most of this doesn't go in the calendar. Those notes are, um. When you write everything...?"

"Thorough?"

"No, I know thorough. It is that, but it's also, eh, dotoshnyy."

Shane pulls out his phone, types, smirks. "Meticulous, pedantic, fussy."

"Meticulous, yes. You wrote down--everything." He laughs. "You wrote down the game scores."

Ilya enjoys one of his favorite sights--Shane's pink blush creeping across his freckles--as Shane says, "I think at some point I was trying to figure out if sex felt better after winning, but then I realized that it wasn't about whether it felt better."

"Oh?" Ilya mumbles, feeling like he's staring over the edge of a cliff and the only thing keeping him there is Shane Hollander's hand. Which is big and strong and iron-like in its grasp and Ilya feels safe. He knows, now, that Shane won't let him fall.

"No, it was..." Shane sighs, choosing his words as he finally comes close. He sits beside Ilya on the bed and butts their feet together. "I was trying to wrap my mind around why I felt what I did when I was with you. And I thought it was sex because--I mean, we were always having sex when we were together back then. So I was writing it all down because I couldn't let myself think that I loved you, so I was just...circling. Like, oh, maybe I feel this way because...I don't know, this position was really hot. Or because you slammed me into the boards that night. Or because--"

"Because I put my fingers in your open hole after I fucked you." Ilya raises an eyebrow. "You really liked that. Maybe I do this tonight."

Shane tilts his head. "Yeah, that'd be nice."

Ilya kisses his neck.

"I used to like things like that because it was the only time--" Shane sighs, and mutters fuck under his breath (because fuck will always, always be his favorite vocal stim) and says, "The only time it felt like i wasn't crazy. Like you were going through it too."

Ilya picks up the notebook, finds the page from April 2015 again and pokes a particular word in Shane's chicken-scratch fucking penmanship. Idiallen, Shane had written, because he'd been leading himself blindly through a language he'd only heard gasped into the side of his own neck. Youbimy. Tibia.

"Lyubimyy," he says. "Tebya. Ideal'nyy. Beloved. You are perfect."

"Oh," Shane whispers. He puts his forehead against Ilya's shoulder, puts his mouth against his bicep, says, "Even then?"

fall in love again and again...

I’m imagining her/maybe Shane playfully ribbing him about how he has no real financial manger or decent investments and what do you MEAN you just let a paycheck like that sit in your account while buying luxury cars every five minutes no wonder your net worth is shockingly low for your value, etc etc. and he’s not even offended he’s surprised and pleased that his new family is so invested in him and also enjoys watching where Shane gets some of his crazy. Like Ilya Mommy Issues Rozanov is “yes please ma’am optimize my finances and worry about my wellbeing harder” while he shovels whatever David made for dinner in his mouth.

But then at some point while she’s (lovingly) harping on his financial irresponsibility he just kind of quietly mentions that actually so much of his paycheck was going back home to his family when he was younger that he needed to blow shit on cars or whatever pretty quick if he didn’t want it to disappear. And she realizes that yeah he’s a little dummy who spent a concerning amount of money on VIP sections last year and thinks bank account interest is investing but he was also a child supporting his entire family in a foreign country with no one bothering to look out for his best interest or explain planning for a future.

David gets treated to impassioned rants every night about how “David I’m not convinced anyone even read that boy his contract in Russian”.

She starts managing him as well, obviously, and she’s kind of disturbed by how easily he just signs whatever she puts in front of him and doesn’t bother asking questions before agreeing to hand over all his management to her. He just seems thrilled she got him a Lamborghini partnership and an invite to fashion week.

The only time he puts up a fuss is when he realizes she’s not planning to take any significant cut of his money because “you’re family sweetheart” and he looks like he got smacked in the head with a shovel and has to go outside on the porch with Shane for a suspiciously long period of time.

so shane has to post the photo himself to prove that no, boston captain ilya rozanov does not have any evidence or incriminating documents on shane hollander