Accidental Gains

Why are you always looking like you're gonna cry these days, you absolute fat hog? Okay, you grew out of your shirt, but it's not like you got... Oh, wait, yes, you are morbidly obese now. That's even an understatement, I guess. From twink model face to ginormous fat swine. Watch out you don't explode like a dead whale on the beach, you greedy piggy.

Look at you, fatty, trying to conquer nature while your own organs are staging a coup against that stitching. That shirt isn't clothing anymore, it’s a structural failure in progress. Every step you take looks like a lava lamp filled with mayonnaise, just pulsing and undulating in a rhythmic struggle for oxygen. You’re not hiking, you’re just relocating a landslide. You aren’t breaking a sweat, you’re leaking through your pores because your heart is screaming in terror trying to pump blood past that tectonic plate of a belly. The only thing ‘peak’ about this trip is the peak of your blood pressure. If you collapse, the search and rescue team isn't going to find a body. They're going to find a crime scene of shredded cotton and shattered dignity, you fat slob.

'Master of belly'? 'Master of eating' you probably mean. You look like you graduated in 'gluttony sciences' at the 'University of Kentucky Fried Chicken', fatso. Remember when that skintight white shirt used to show off your hot twink body just a few months ago? Now it's showing off how much of a greedy piggy you became, chubbs. It's time to put down the fork and pick up your diet and training scheme!

Well, fatso, it’s actually impressive how you managed to complete the full cinematic transition. Most people just lose their gym membership, but you decided to commit to the bit and cosplay the entire franchise. You used to be called ‘Prince Charming’ because you were a fantasy, a lean, sculpted lie that everyone admired, but look at you now. The ‘Charming’ part didn’t just fade, it collapsed under the weight of your own laziness. You didn’t just gain weight, you underwent a biological metamorphosis. You went from being the guy who looks like he could ride a white horse into the sunset to the guy who looks like he’d get winded walking to the fridge for a second helping of swamp-slugs. You used to have a jawline that could cut glass, now you have a chin that looks like a melting scoop of vanilla ice cream sitting on a pile of laundry. The transition is officially complete. You’ve stopped looking like the Prince and started looking like the swamp, Shrek. You didn't just let yourself go, you let yourself expand until you became the very thing you used to look down on. Congratulations, you greedy piggy, you’ve finally achieved your dream. You’re not the guy dating the princess anymore, you’re the reason the princess is staying in the tower. And it will be impossible for you to get to her, because a fat slob like you could never climb all those stairs without getting a heart attack, chubbs.