i need to stand ankle deep in a creek about this

the thing about phone in bed is that it's so awesome. almost makes you feel like betraying & destroying yourself for nothing isn't all so bad

everytime i want something i should be shot in the head

(lying in the mud in the aftermath of a bloody battle, fevered and delirious in the throes of death) my amazing digital gut wound 😀

& the ravens wheeling on high begin their gentle descent

If I was drinking with the girls and someone threw a dog-bitten rock near me, I would ask the caster what's up. Why we throwing dog rocks?

EVERYOBODY GET DOWN HES TAKING A CREATIVE LIBERTY

im so hungry i could eat a dinner

im so hungry i could lay a dinner egg

going over to my minimalist girlfriend’s house and she apologizes profusely for the mess and there’s just a single perfect, fresh pea on the floor of her living room

Blue Lois

can i help you

Red Marge

jesus christ. I Am Under Fucking Attack

the clock app always picks the numbers for you but in calculator the numbers can be anything you want

press the teleport button to come over to my house and eat a bagel on the porch with me rightnow and you will earn 5 gems