Local Dork Ruins Things For Everyone

Nobody was behind me in line, which seemed to be a good reason for her to treat me to a five minute retelling of the identification, rescue, and argument over initial custody of Kit Kat, who was so small they thought when they first heard him crying for help that he was a bird and not a kitten in a tree, and is now fifteen pounds of "pure, sculpted lardass".

And I didn't mind, precisely, I wasn't bored or anything, but around the time she was bringing me up to speed on Kit Kat's current status it occurred to me that this woman is a cashier in a store that primarily sells candy bars and beverages. People must buy Kit Kat bars from her multiple times a day. Does she do this every time there's nobody in line behind the purchaser? Did I just have that I Own Several Cats And Will Enjoy Your Cat Stories look about me? Was it the first time it occurred to her that she sold the brand of candy bar she named her cat after? Was she new to the job of selling Kit Kat bars?

I was in the same snack shop, which I'm in, like, once a month, recently. I only recognized her because I spent five minutes listening to this monologue in sincere wonder. But I did recognize her, so as I was buying a soda and a Milky Way bar (this time) I said, without thinking about how this would come across, "Hey, how's Kit Kat?"

She looked genuinely horrified and said, "What...how?"

"Oh fuck!" I blurted. "Sorry! You told me about him last time!"

This is still quite cryptic as responses go but she gave me a frankly frantic look of sudden recognition and said, "He's fine! You bought a Kit Kat! I was unmedicated!"

I did not inform her she is small town famous on Tumblr and instead just said, "Glad you're both doing well!" and we parted as confused and mortified friends.

“When he died the ravens sat in the trees outside for a week, watching. Taking turns. A horde of raccoons tried to break into the house every night, tearing at the siding. Eventually they gave up, but it was unsettling.”

Uber is a fucking shell game of a company designed to leech investor capital and output bootleg cabs.

Nvidia posted a profit in 2023 of $4.37 billion. This is like someone stealing less than a penny from me.

And they lock this kid in a prison hospital for LIFE?

The serpent in the garden being Satan

Cain killing Abel with a stone

Jesus being a carpenter

Pestilence being one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse

Baby Moses being put in the river

Moses is placed on the bank of the river. It's up to you if that counts as in the river, but the image of his basket being swept down the stream (such as seen in the movie Prince of Egypt) isn't in the bible.

Most translations do call Jesus a carpenter, but the original Greek uses the word 'tekton' which means craftsman. It can mean a carpenter, but I'm personally partial to Jesus being a stone mason.

Some more things that aren't in the bible:

The fruit of the tree of knowledge being an apple

The golden calf being a false god (it's specifically stated to be a representation of the God, using God's name)

The Exodus Pharaoh being called Ramses

Original Sin

The Immaculate Conception (note that this is not the same thing as the Virgin Birth, although people often confuse them)

Jonah getting swallowed by a whale (it was a fish, or possibly two fish)

Three wise men (there were three gifts and an unspecified number of wise men)

Anything indicating that Satan rules hell, that hell has multiple layers, or that there are specific punishments for specific sins

Any mention of leprosy aka Hansen's disease (the condition the Septuagint translates as λεπρός has completely different symptoms from the condition that came to be known as leprosy in English)

Isaac being a child during his near-sacrifice

And some Jewish specific ones for the Tanakh, because we can’t let Christians have all the fun:

Yitro converting to Judaism

Avraham smashing his father’s idols

Moshe having a stutter due to burning his mouth on hot coals

Miriam’s Well

Any mention of the lulav and etrog being shaken on Sukkot (Vayikra says to collect the Four Species, but nowhere in the written Tanakh are we actually told what to do with them)

“The family name ‘Murasame’ was given to me by my master. The given name ‘Tatsumasa’ is a combination of ‘dragon’ (tatsu), the [zodiac] year when I was born, and one character from my master’s name,” says Murasame."