I took a human development class at BYU. It was a good class. The guy who taught it did a great job with it, he was passionate, he was curious, he was kind, and to top it all off he was a fabulous Mormon. I had to sign up for his class the night it opened and I only barely made it into his lecture it filled so fast. I cannot for the life of me remember his name, but I remember how he challenged the class in some peculiar ways.
A funny experience of challenging the class was when we had our lecture on conception and development in utero. He taps the microphone like a comedian who just bombed a set, asks if we can hear him, getâs a resounding and excited âyes!â and says âOk! Ok! Yâall sounds excited! Letâs do a chant, see if that helps with some of the other energy. Are you ready?â
Of course everyone cheers yes, weâre Mormon, being in a room of people saying the same shit over and over is our jam. So he nods, gets a beat going by clapping, and starts chanting the word âsexâ into the microphone. The claps die. The chant doesnât start. But he keeps going, and going, until he gets half the class chanting with him by brutal shameless persistence. Then he changes the word. âVagina!â And resumes until he has half the class. Then âclitoris!â then âpenis!â then finally when he has half the room chanting he stops the chant and says âI only ever go until I can get half of yâall chanting because this is BYU and Iâd be here all day if I waited for everyone to be comfortable even saying the word âsexâ out loud which is INSANE because today weâre talking about how life begins and I guarantee you almost every woman who flinched away from chanting âpenisâ wants to have kids and most of the men who couldnât pronounce clitoris want to have at least two kids and that does not work out in my head! We need to get over this fear to talk about conception openly.â He talked about sex as a biological phenomenon and as a fun thing to do sometimes and it was a transformative experience for me, and it was very funny as an opener.
He challenged us academically too, though. He assigned us the task of observing children at the campus daycare and told us he wanted to know who we had observed just by our behavioral observations. He meant it, too. He didnât want us to just know about kids he wanted us to be able to see kids as distinct people and that was amazing. He pushed us out of the mindset of âhow do I pass this assignmentâ and challenged us to internalize âhow do I learn to do this in real life?â and he pushed us to observe children as people and not as science experiments or obedient joyful output machines.
Another way he challenged the class, and this one sticks with me tbh, is he told us stories. His technique is one I often utilize as a therapist. He tells a story thatâs related *enough* to keep you aware of how your question or need is related, but just unrelated enough distract you from the question so when he brings it back to you it hits as an experience instead of a verbal response to an inquiry. He did this sometimes in response to questions from students and it was always an interesting way to experience learning. One day a student, a worried newlywed man who JUST found out his wife was pregnant, asked what he could do to help her because he felt so excited and overwhelmed he couldnât think clearly. And the professor stops the lecture and thinks about it, like, REALLY thinks about it, and he leads into his story - it starts with a brief discussion on the complexity and uniqueness of fingerprints. Then he tells us about how one of his graduate students a few years back came into his office complaining that his wife was getting lazier. Him, being a therapist and a curious man by nature, asked the student what he meant. The student responds by saying that he felt âdupedâ by his wife because sheâd been energetic and motivated and passionate and attentive until she got pregnant and now she âdoesnât do anythingâ and âhas no ambitionâ and âdoesnât even cook dinner anymoreâ and âalways says sheâs tired even though she hasnât DONE anythingâ and how he felt like it was all an act to pretend to be a good wife until she got pregnant and had him hooked forever.
And this guy is reacting to this in real time - he goes point by point through this graduate studentâs complaints and nods patiently, curiously, then sinisterly as he understands the situation. He tells the grad students to come a little closer so he can show him something in a book, then whaps him upside the head with the book.
The grad student of course reacts with shock and anger and demands a justification for being whacked with a book and the professor responds with âhow far into the pregnancy is your lazy lazy wife?â The grad student gives a response to he opens the book and slaps it on the desk and says âat that point in pregnancy your childâs fingerprints are developing. Do you know how complex and detailed fingerprints are? Do you know how much time and energy it would take to make that from nothing? That is what your wife is doing all day. Sheâs making your childâs fingerprints. Get that in your head and get over yourself.â
He then stops the story, looks at the guy who asked the question, and asks how far along his wife is? And the student responds, and he says âif you go home today and your wife is tired, itâs because she was growing functional kidneys for another human being all day. So tell her youâll do the dishes, and donât whine about it. And remember that any time youâre doing any chore or task youâre not accustomed to for the next few months, any time youâre eating an uninspired dinner, any time youâre rubbing her feet or helping her get to sleep and thinking âoh geez sheâs so dramaticâ remember she is growing another person and ask yourself if your dinner or unfolded socks are more valuable than a functioning kidney or a distinct fingerprint because I guarantee you it is not. She is engaged in the act of creation, fold your own socks.â
Yâall I mean the fucking CRICKETS in that room. My ears were ringing from the revelation he had just unleashed into my brain. There was not a single body in that room that was not GRIPPED by the response to this question. And I fully recognize that he was asking for fairly little, like, yeah, you should be an involved parent and partner because âfor time and all eternityâ means âeven when she wonât have sex with me,â but he was saying it as a Mormon man talking to another Mormon man and that was so exciting and new to me that it stuck with me. I remember this story in a myriad of ways - itâs a good example of using privilege to challenge privilege, for example. Itâs a good example of âlifting where you stand,â so to speak, by making a difference where you are instead of making a hypothetical âbiggerâ difference elsewhere. It helps me remind myself that neutrality is progress, too, and that the best time to do something I should have always been doing is now. It also helps me be patient with myself when I am sick - healing is work, recovering is work, resting is work, even if the demanding husband in my head canât see it yet.
If yâall are struggling to get better and feel your frustration building as each possibility of action passes you by while youâre stuck healing, you can ask yourself if making an amazing dinner is more important than having a healthy body, then eat your âguiltyâ/âeasyâ/âuninspiredâ Mac n cheese or delivery pizza or peanut butter and jelly sandwich because itâs not. If you find yourself struggling because your body is not behaving like a successful experiment or an obedient joyful output machine, try seeing yourself as a full person and not an assignment youâre failing. And if youâre embarrassed about sex, chant âpenisâ over and over again or something. The metaphorâs falling apart, so Iâll end with my typical advice: Be gayer, be good to each other, read more Terry Pratchett, and treat people as people.
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