The Abyss

1/9/21 @10:45pm

Maybe the reason it bothered me so much was because it was finally something tangible. Something I could see and that was right in front of my eyes. In that moment I could see that it was real. He was actually with her and not just behind closed doors but in public at a party for everyone else to see. She was his girlfriend and no matter what was going on with us, it was time for me to acknowledge it. She’s his girlfriend and I’m nobody to him.

I have learned many times over and in the hardest of ways that people don’t care how they treat you. They will say and do whatever they want if it means they’ll be unscathed in the end.

February 2020

Last year on this day, I was waiting in an airport to go visit him again but this time with the rest of our friends. I was anxious just as I had been the time before and every other reunion before that, except this time it was different. I wasn’t happily anxious, I was terrified of how the events of that weekend would play out. I needed the escape, everything at home was falling apart and as always he lended me his hand in a time I needed it without him ever knowing. My biggest concern was not leaving Boise the same way I felt the first time. I didn’t know it back then but I know now that I would leave feeling worse than I had ever felt before.

9/5

March 2020

8/27 @9:35am

8/26 @10:30pm

My love for you has always been too patient. Somehow I always give you the benefit of the doubt and too many chances. I don’t know if that just makes me stupid or a person who loves you too much because I rarely fault you for the destruction you bring.

8/22 @5:35pm

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything but I guess that means I’m back to writing from a place of pain.

On the way home, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What did it mean and where would things go from there? Was holding hands with someone in public really that big of a deal? And how did I feel about it? Then finally, it struck me. I didn’t really know how to feel but that was because I had never openly publicly had someone show me affection such as this.

You make me feel warm, safe, and cared for. And the fact that this may not go anywhere, makes me profusely sad. When I’m with you, I feel at peace and I understand not every connection you make with someone needs to result in something grand but it just seems as if every time I find someone who makes me feel like letting go of my commitment issues, the timing seems to be off or the odds are just stacked against us.

I probably could’ve cried my eyes out about it for the next millennia because that’s how much I cared but I didn’t let myself shed a tear. It was a type of hurt that I couldn’t even bring myself to cry, all I could do was be strong and carry on but every time he did something to cause me pain, it was always the same and I wondered why. Did I not care enough or was he just never worth my tears because I knew he was somewhere in the world going about his life acting like he didn’t give a damn.

Before I met you, I don’t think I ever met someone and thought to myself “we were made for disaster.” I don’t think I ever fought so hard to try and make someone permanent. Us seperating this time around, brought me to the rightful conclusion that my fantasy was and will never be a reality. For awhile, I wished for you to always be around in whatever capacity that meant. Whether it was for my engagement party, kids birthday, holiday dinners, or just a housewarming party. I wanted to make you family like I know the rest of my friends are. I never wanted to ask a friend in 10 years “how is he?”I wanted to be able to ask you myself but sometimes life doesn’t work out that way.

It was always someone else. Always another hidden option that became victor.