Singing all the lyrics incorrectly

This man has eight of the same shirt and five of the same hoodie. This man memorizes hockey stats for fun. This man will have a cold ginger ale. This man will look awkwardly at the camera with a smile like he wants to incinerate himself in every wet t-shirt contest sports drink ad his mom books for him. This man will take everything you say absolutely literally. That’s French, Ilya. You just said a French word and we’re talking about Russian, are you unfamiliar with your own language. This man takes three days to recognize a social cue. And ten years to name an emotion. You’ll tell him you like him in the most roundabout way and you’ll think you NAILED it, and he’ll promptly have a panic attack on your dick. When he names that emotion finally? He’ll be absolutely relentless and will not stand down; he’s had an emotion and he knows you have one, too. By that point, there’s no escape. He’s imprinted on you and is starting to ovulate in your vicinity. He will bludgeon you with adorable nerd and insatiable ass. And his oral fixation is so mighty he’ll suck your remaining brain cells out through your dick.

What do you do when your son comes out to you with his arch-rival lover who’s just been inside of him like five seconds ago? Fucking call all the luxury brands you can think of and tell them that they’d better change their advertising strategy to gay and fucking change it fast. Yuna with special edition Hollanov rainbow Reeboks. Yuna with a Rolex float at the pride parade, Shane and Ilya’s portrait on a giant watch face.

The “no, that’s sad” followed by “here’s a full rainbow capitalism advertising plan” is momager ally-core at its finest. Fucking iconic. You will not only be loved and supported Shane you will be MORE FAMOUS and EVEN MORE RICH. Love you baby boy, Ilya here’s some spaghetti, beef up for your new bisexual Porsche ad.

So I made art for a book cover!

Someone is totally missing the mass opening.