i, carrion (icarian)

I think as an adult, we're pickier about friends, because "liking the same stuff" is not enough for a meaningful relationship.

We want people who share:

Our interests

Our values

Our energy (for me, it helps if the other person is autistic)

Try to find a group or activity where at least 2 of those are immediately present. For me, that would look like a queer meetup at a craft or game store, or an over-30 cosplay group. Online, I'd be drawn to a small historic fandom that leans older or has a lot of trans people in it.

Then, you start vibe checking folks, and perhaps exchange socials where you can learn more about a person in order to check off that third criteria from our list.

Not everyone is going to become besties, but you still could end up with various playmates that are fun to be around -- maybe you go hiking with Group A, or play D&D with Group B.

You can still be that kid on the playground who is like, "I think you're cool, wanna play?" Speed running friendships happens a lot in online and special event spaces. But it does take regular effort - you need to interact somehow, be that leaving comments on fanfics, participating in events, baking cookies for a meetup, etc. You have to put yourself out there.

Learning how to do small talk for the space you are in is very helpful, too. Remember to give the other person ample opportunities to talk.

Just like in romantic relationships, "nice" doesn't cut it as a personality trait -- you need to show what you bring to a friendship, be that as the supportive/encouraging type, the creative type, the organizing type, etc. So, spend some time figuring out what kind of friend you tend to be, or perhaps want to become.

Some overlapping advice posts:

Being autistic and how to look for help/community

More on finding friends

Coping with loneliness

It's rude. You're making someone take their time to read something you couldn't bother to write. You're telling them they were so unimportant you couldn't be bothered to actually take the time to say something yourself. And frankly, you're lying about it while you're at it.

prosecution established affiliation by way of defendants having fucking anarchist zines, the kind of shit you see in a punk house. this is what they want and are willing to pursue for all of us who aren't willing to lay down and die, imprisonment and torture and the absolute stripping of our dignity (the govt gleefully included their deadnames in a press release yesterday; Morris' public defender has consistently deadnamed and misgendered her despite her legal name change)

there is no one who will protect us except us, and if our sisters are lost to us and forgotten as soon as they are grabbed by the prison system (ie if the system is allowed to work as intended) then we are failing, and we are woefully unprepared for a world where they start taking more of us

okay

"I wish someone would see through it when I tell people I'm fine-" Well, but have YOU considered not lying when people ask you how you're doing?

"I am so resentful of my friend because they keep doing this thing that really bothers me-" Well, but have YOU directly communicated that the thing is bothering you?

"I am burning out because my friend keeps expecting me to help them with serious struggles-" Well, but have YOU tried to establish the boundaries you need to feel okay?

"No one ever asks me about this thing I really care about-" Well, but have YOU brought it up yourself?

"I miss my friend but they haven't texted me-" Well, but have YOU been reaching out to them?

Being cared for is not a fantasy. But you have to let people know you need it. And you have to understand that sometimes they will let you down. Just like you totally could live in a cute farm, but you still have to shovel shit, and the crops sometimes die anyway. Or maybe you win the lottery, but you still have to manage your money and learn real estate law.