Alexpowers047

@tabbran please add lemon man story to this

That was a wild goddamn ride

god this was worth the read

Yes this is long but I promise you the story of lemon man is worth knowing. And reblogging.

What a ride

I summoned a shitload of willpower to continue this despite my ADD. WORTH IT

l e m o n m a n

GOD TIER POST RIGHT HERE

Gotta do it

I don’t care what news I get I just want this stupid potato dog on my dash

^

i fucking lost it when she opened the fridge

A big mood

I missed this video

Keeyum.

@huffpc

Anybody else start getting just as mad as her when she’s reading the inane fucking incomprehensible texts. DO YOU WANT THE CAKE OR NOT GINGER

WHERE IS HER OSCAR

I missed this video lol

😍

i can’t stop watching this i’m …

what the fuck

brief reminder that humans are among the best vocal mimics on Earth

Excuse me what

doing laundry? fine, even fun. putting laundry away? terrible. worst chore. wretched way to spend time.

no putting laundry away we live out of the basket like men

it’s ninety-nine degrees outside, four fuck-thousand percent humidity, and my husband was like, “i’m gonna go for a bike ride.” and i was like “why. no. why. don’t put us on the news like that. local fool collapses on unnecessary journey. don’t do it.” so he says he doesn’t want to “hide in the house” because the sun is shining. bruh. honeybruh. “the sun is shining” does not cover it. its hot outside. its motherfucking hot as fuck outside. our outdoor plants have been crying into their hands all week. whole cars are melting into the sewer. our fucking patio umbrella developed sentience to ask me for lemonade this morning

@robotmango, you need to work for the weather forecast - this was both hilarious and so vivid it made me stand up and get some iced tea.

this is a great idea, thank you. here goes. my audition tape for the weather channel. dearly beloved. we are gathered here today to have a fucking funeral for the outdoors. it had a good run, with all its creeks and clouds and shit. pretty great. now it’s ten-thirty at night but still ninety-two asshole-sweating degrees and humid as fuck. everything is hot and slimy, like being a “borrower” that got trapped inside a bottle of shampoo and then accidentally microwaved. you can see on my doppler radar that nothing is moving around out there because everything is probably dead. the only alive thing is the mosquito currently trying to drill a hole in my leg. no surprise that all the shitbag mosquitos are fine, since the thermostat of hell is always at the devil’s preferred temperature. this forecast has gotten away from me a little, but in conclusion fuck the sun

I think I’ve reblogged this before, but “the thermostat of hell is always at the devil’s preferred temperature” is fucking poetry