You Cannot have Shadows Without a Little Light

2. i completely FORGOT bones could be CARVED, and for that i am shamed

“Its great great great grandpa’s turn to take care of the kids.”

@accioturtur

under the cut for violence talk and all that

Don shrugged and disappeared into the kitchen.

"You definitely did better than I usually do when he blows a fuse. That takes patience."

"I think he's just more cautious around me. What do you think that was about?"

Leo shrugged. "I think it hit him really hard. You know, not taking care of you guys."

"Does he ever....scare you? Like he might go off the deep end?"

"No more than any of us. Raph is just passionate and expressive, you know that. Better out than in, right?" he chuckled. "Can you imagine if he actually bottled everything up and it all exploded out at once or something?" He shuttered.

Don came back from the kitchen with two cups of coffee and handed one to her. "Come on, let's go sleuthing."

"We definitely don't have to do this now D. Shouldn't you guys...?"

He shrugged. "I'm up, and Mikey's got it covered. He's nuts, I'd never volunteer to be on the other end of that temper willingly. Plus we need an answer sooner rather than later. When Raph is in that kind of mood, it's just going to get much worse until he gets some kind of a resolution, you know?" his voice trailed off as he headed for his lab.

*****************

"Yo, dude!"

"Not now Mikey. I'm NOT in the mood."

"I can tell. Come on, you need to blow off some steam. We can do this the easy way or the hard way."

Raphael stopped and closed his eyes. "I do NOT need this."

"Yeah ya do." He poked his shoulder. "I can maaaake you, it's not even hard! You know I'm #1 in pushing your buttons."

He shot daggers at him, but relented. "Fine."

"Yay!"

Mikey led the way to the dojo. Truthfully, he wasn't looking that forward to sparring. Not worried, he was always faster in a pinch, but because Raph needed to hit something. Hard.

As soon as they were both ready, Mikey wasted no time baiting his brother, landing several early hits to stoke his frustration.

Raphael grunted and wasted no time lurching at him. Mikey continued to evade him to wear down his energy.

"What's up with this attitude? What's going on?"

Raphael landed a blow to his shoulder. Ouch. He certainly wasn't pulling his punches.

After a few minutes with no answer Mikey threw a punch he knew he would catch.

"Raph...?"

Raph's hand was definitely bigger than his. The crushing squeeze confirmed that.

"We let 'em down fer years!"

"We all know that, and we cleared the air, remember?"

Raphael's fist clenched even harder around his own and in a whirlwind of motion he found himself on his back on the ground. A foot slammed into his side right after. He floundered a bit to get back up to face him.

"We didn't wit her. An' you woulda felt tha same if it were Shadow gettin dumped."

Mikey pushed forward, aggressively attacking. "You kidding me right now?" He grunted as Raph blocked one of his kicks. "You don't think I had full rage about her dad the whole time?"

Raphael growled again and grabbed Mikey's leg and flung him across the room. "OOooookkkk, throwing kind of day" he groaned, rolling over to get up. He stood panting, watching him for a moment before rushing at him again.

"Why you gotta do this Mike? Ain't you pissed?"

Mikey considered that as they traded blows. He threw another punch for him to catch. "Raph, do you.."

"Do NOT finish that question. I dun care." He was bristling.

Mikey brought his foot to Raph's chest, both pushing him backwards to the ground and giving himself leverage to backflip away from him.

"Is this about....?"

Raph glared at him. "No." Then he looked away. "Maybe. It's jest, you two...."

Mikey nodded and offered him his hand. "I get it. Look that's not..."

"IT AIN'T FAIR!"

"I know. None of it is. For any of us."

"Like you got room to talk."

Mikey sighed. "You're right. I don't. Can we just give Don a couple of days at least? Please? We just need to be there for her."

Raph's expression darkened as his eyes burned holes into the dojo mat.

**************

"How'd it go?"

"MMmm, that's a biiiiig question." He made a face at her as he pulled off her shirt and shorts.

"Is it now?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, babe."

"As you literally undress me?"

His nose pressed into her neck. "Mmmmm"

"Are you both alright at least?"

"Right as rain."

Shadow put her hand on his shoulder to stop him. "Mike? Did he hurt you?"

"I don't wanna talk about Raph right now" " he whined. "I'm fine. He'd never..." he caught himself. "He's just...conflicted."

"About?"

He sat back on his heels., pouting. "Just stuff babe. A part of it is that he feels kinda useless. You know he likes to take care of everyone."

"That didn't seem like a bit of an overreaction to you?"

"Yeah, yeah it did. But it's pretty on brand."

"Does he, is there more to it?"

"I dunno." He leaned in again, nudging her shoulder with his beak. "Whattya mean?"

"Mike, I'm worried!"

That made him sit back again, this time with a bit of a frown. "Ah, hmmmm. Ok. I think it's a lot of things, actually. A little bit angry at himself. A little bit jealous coz he wants people to be happy but also wants to be happy. A little bit lost. There's some stuff you don't know about."

It wasn’t like Shadow couldn’t see it happening. In her personal opinion, Sabrina was the more traditionally beautiful of the two of them. Softer features, longer lashes, fuller lips, smaller and cuter. Almost cherubic. But then again, Shadow was quite biased in that regard as well. So it wasn’t exactly a big surprise to hear that Sabrina had caught yet another eye. But there was the somewhat non-traditional issue of sisters dating brothers that gave Shadow pause.

If things with Ryan didn’t work out, then Sabrina *would* need a plan B. It wouldn’t be weird for Raph to be an option in that regard, would it?

… Sabrina would be safe with him, right?

Did Raphael even like kids?

She was pulled from her thoughts by a nibble to her jaw line. “Don’t think too hard about it, babe. We still gotta find Ryan. And you seemed pretty certain that the kid’ll come back.”

Shadow sighed and relaxed against Mikey’s shoulder. “I know. I just like to be prepared for the possibilities. And… I know I talked a big game out there but… human teens aren’t usually that well known for just needing a day or two to clear their heads and then come back ready to keep showing up for the mess they made. … I’m… I’m not holding my breath for Ryan. If he really did leave and he’s smart he’ll stay gone. New identity, new phone, new city, new life. Don’s good, but if a person really wants to disappear it can take years to find them if they do it the right way. My guess though… the kid’ll do one of the classic amateur blunders and log into one of his social media accounts from his new location and Don’ll catch him that way.”

Mikey nuzzled into her neck, eyes sliding closed for a moment as he took a deep breath of her scent. Stress sweat still clung to her skin, but it didn’t have the sharp kick of being fresh. Just a lingering hint from earlier. “Then what?”

Shadow sighed. “Then we give him a day or two to see if he’s coming back. And if not, I go talk to him.”

“We.”

“I,” Shadow insisted, her tone firm enough to make Mikey’s fingertips curl into her skin just a little with frustration. “I need you here with Sabrina and Raph. If this is really getting under his shell like you say it is, then Raph’s gonna blow a gasket if I can’t convince Ryan to come back to Sabrina. And for that I need you here. I don’t want Raph to do something stupid. I can talk to a human teen just fine on my own, and it would really mean a lot to me knowing that I had you here to mitigate.”

“But I wanna come,” Mikey whined, making Shadow chuckle into his shoulder softly.

“Because you’re going to scare Ryan straight or because you want an excuse for us to get a hotel together for a couple of nights?”

“Who says it can’t be both?”

Shadow kissed him and booped his nose. “It could be. But I’m asking you to stay. For Raph. Your brother. Whom you love very much.”

Mikey grumbled a little and tugged Shadow closer, mulling her request over for a moment before coming to a decision. “… No.”

Shadow blinked rapidly in the crook of his neck where she’d nestled her cheek, then leaned back to look up at him. “No? What do you mean ‘no?’”

Now it was his term to look down at her firmly. “I mean no, I’m not staying. I do love Raph, but he’s big boy. And Donnie and Leo can take a turn with him. I said I wasn’t going to just keep blindly believing you when you say you’ve got something handled anymore. And I meant it. This punk abandoned Sabrina. And I know how much that’s gotta be eating you up, even if you’re really good at pretending you’re fine. So I’m going with you to confront him. You know I can sneak into whatever car, train, bus, or taxi you’ll take to get there. So don’t even try to lose me on the way there. I’m coming with you.”

Shadow blinked rapidly again, unsure of how to feel about this new change. She was so used to Mikey taking her word as truth and going with her guidance, it almost felt disrespectful for him to decide to disregard her reassurances. Her wishes. But that was just the knee-jerk reaction, and she knew better than to go with whatever her emotions reacted with first. No, she let this new point of conflict settle over her shoulders for a moment. Let herself feel the weight of it. And after a few beats of silence the prickle of indignation settled. And so did she. She settled back down against his chest, arms wrapping around him once again.

“… ok,” she murmured quietly. “… thank you.”

This was new, sure. But not every change had to be bad or scary, right?

Would this be what it would feel like to have him take more of the lead in decision-making if the two of them ever followed in Sabrina’s footsteps?

**********************************

Sometimes Shadow really hated to be right. Don had a location within a day, and a backdoor to his new phone in less than an hour after that. And Ryan made no moves to return to Manhattan by the end of the week. Every day the kid was in New England (apparently he had family there) Raph’s mood got worse. Sabrina stayed with her mother, who distracted the both of them with baby shopping trips and picking nursery paint colors. Which was probably for the best, because the tension around the lair was thick and heavy. Enough so that Mikey actually escaped to stay with Shadow at her apartment for as much time as possible.

But finally Saturday morning broke, and Shadow and Mikey hit the road for New England. There were snacks and radio songs to sing along to, but even Mikey’s very best jokes couldn’t fully erode Shadow’s somber mood. Eventually she had to ask.

When he turned back to give her an answer he was cheerful as ever, grin matching in his eyes,. "I don't know. I really don't. I don't know him well enough to make a judgement call either way. But honestly I don't think we're here to convince him of anything unless he wants you too."

Her hands tightening on the wheel didn't escape him.

"Baby. It's not up to us to figure this out for them. We're here to take the temperature and offer advice and air grievances on behalf of Sabrina. We can't fix this for them."

Reality sucked though, and he knew that's what she was looking for.

She’d managed to make it all the way to K before a warm hand settled over her face and fingertips pressed her eyes closed. “Shh,” Mikey murmured into the dark. “I c’n hear you think’n from over here.”

“Sorry,” she whispered back with a sigh. “Just can’t stop imagining how it might go wrong tomorrow. If I say the wrong thing. If I’m doing the wrong thing. I dunno. I know I’m overthinking it. I just… would never be able to forgive myself if I had to go home to Sabrina knowing that Ryan might have been considering going back to her but because of me he’s decided not to anymore.”

Mikey pulled her closer and took up a mouthful of her shoulder. “Need a distraction?”

She sighed again, a little softer this time, and the smell of distress that was keeping Mikey from being able to sleep eased enough to answer on Shadow’s behalf. “No, it’s ok. It’s late, I’m sorry for keeping you up. You can go back to sleep.”

“I sleep once you sleep,” he reminded her. Shadow wouldn’t go so far as to say that it was a running point of conflict, but try as Shadow might to get Mikey to sleep even if she wasn’t capable of it in the moment, his senses were simply too heightened to let him truly sleep if she was awake or moving around the room more often than not. It had always been that way. And though she may try her usual tricks to work around it, there was no denying that usually the best and fastest way to get Mikey to sleep was for her to let him get her to sleep first. Annoying and frustrating though it may be.

“I guess if we’re not sleeping anyways…” she reasoned, encouraging him to continue with a permissive arch of her back that pushed her hips into his as well as her neck and shoulder into his chest. The ache in his chest eased a little once the only thing the two of them were wearing was the moonlight from the window. But it wasn’t quite enough to simply slip into something a little more comfortable (namely, her) with as preoccupied as she was over the situation with her sister. No, he had to work a little harder than usual to provide a proper distraction. But it was time and energy well spent.

Time with her like this always was, damn the sleep deprivation that would be their consequence to deal with in the morning. Better to get one truly restful hour of sleep than five hours of fitful half-sleep, right?

Shadow seemed to agree with his logic, at least in part, when she peered at the clock after they were back to being cuddled up under the covers again. Though with a new sheen of sweat and other things that would need to be scrubbed off come morning. “Ok… 90 minute power nap… we go do the thing… and then we come back for a couple more hours of sleep.”

Mikey grunted a noise of agreement, and Shadow didn’t miss the feeling of his lips pulled into a little smile of satisfaction against her bare shoulder just before she finally gave in to the dark.

******************************

Showered, dressed, and as ready as she was ever going to be, Shadow stood on the front steps of the modest colonial-style New England home. Mikey had hidden himself out of sight of the door but nearby enough to hear the conversation or signal to Shadow if she was going to head too far off course. She’d rehearsed this enough times in her mind to feel confident that she could at least start out on the right foot.

Knock, knock, knock

The bustling sounds coming from inside paused for a moment, then changed direction. A bit more bustling, then the sound of a deadbolt turning. The door opened to an older woman, likely Ryan's grandmother or a great aunt of sorts, whom Shadow gave a practiced smile meant to look warm and friendly. "Good morning. My name is Shadow. May I please speak with Ryan? I'm a school friend of his."

"Does your last name happen to be Stevens?"

"It does! I'm so glad you've already heard about me and my-"

She didn't get to finish her sentence, as the door immediately slammed in her face and the deadbolt turned noisily. Blinking at the door for a few moments, Shadow had to process the fact that she'd just been denied even speaking with Ryan in the first place. And THAT told her plenty about whether the family staying here knew about what Ryan was running from and how they felt about it.

Indignation flared hot in her chest and a flash of fury twisted her expression before Shadow smoothed it out again with years of practice at compartmentalizing her emotions. She knocked on the door again, calling through to the occupants inside. "Ma'am. If you know who I am then you know why I'm here. I just want to talk to Ryan. Please."

"He's not here! Go Away! I'll call the police and tell them you're trespassing on private property! I have a No Soliciting sign on my door!"

"Ma'am, I'm not here to solicit anything. I'm here to ask for clarification. Ryan can't run from this without taking any responsibility for his actions. We can either do this the civil way or the legal way. If you want to protect him, then please don't make me invoke my sister's right to child support by way of garnishing Ryan's wages through a court order. Having that on his record will affect his future a lot more than him just stepping up like a man. I just need to talk to him so we can sort this out like adults."

"I told you he isn't here! Now Go Away! If you're still on my porch in 30 seconds, I'm calling the police and charging you with harassment!"

Shadow glared daggers at the door, feeling a rising bubble of pettiness tunnel her vision. She stormed out to the sidewalk, turned on her heel, and stood with her arms crossed as she glared at the house. Her phone buzzed with a text from Mikey, which she ignored for a moment while seething at the unforeseen turn this had taken. She'd been so focused on planning for how to deal with the conversation with Ryan that she had failed to account for the fact that there was likely a reason he'd run all the way here to this more distant relative's house. But after a moment of seething she finally pulled out her phone and looked down at the text from Mikey.

[Do you want me to go get him?]

Shadow snorted with amusement and looked up at the house again. Ironic that now she was wondering if Ryan was going to be the reasonable person in that house, should she be able to get to him. She held up a finger to ask him to wait a moment, which she was certain Mikey could see from his vantage point, and first called Donnie. After the second ring, he picked up.

"Hey, is there a problem?" "Hello to you too, Dee. Sorry for the early hour. Can you get me Ryan's current location? Or at least the current location of his phone? Grandma is claiming the kid's not here and won't let me speak to him." "Sure." There was the sound of fingers flying across a keyboard, and a few moments later a sound of a hum. "Yeah, looks like the phone is in the house and was last used to scroll Instagram for about 2 hours at midnight last night. Hasn't left that location since. Looks like he's most likely still inside." "Thanks Dee. I'll call with an update once I get this sorted out." "Good luck, sounds like you're gonna need it."

She hung up with Donnie and then texted Mikey back while wearing an evil grin.

Ooooooh....she wanted to do this the Mikey way. Oooooo. It was going to be a real good thing they were staying another night because this was going to be the most fun he'd had in forever.

The signs were easy enough to stick into the ground on the parking strip in front of the house. And once that was set up, Mikey was careful to drive the car a couple of houses down the street. Just close enough to be well within range of the speaker and to see what was happening, but far enough away that anyone distracted by the signs and the ruckus wouldn’t notice him.

And then the joyful moment began. Shadow lifted the bullhorn to her lips and clicked the button, announcing her intent to escalate with a classic, telltale squeal of the microphone coming online.

“Ryan Jensen. This is your final warning. I came here to chat. Man to man. Settle things civilly. But if you think you can just run away from the consequences of your actions and let other people clean up your mess… you are sorely mistaken.”

Shadow paused as the curtains to the window by the door were thrown to the side and the grandmother glared out at her with such venom, Shadow couldn’t help but give her a snake-like grin.

“You’re welcome to call the cops, lady. But I’m not standing anywhere on your property. And these signs are posted on the easement attached to your property. That’s right. You don’t own the sidewalk or anything up to ten feet from the curb. All of that’s just an easement, darling. City property that you have permission to maintain and decorate as you see fit.

“But seeing as I’m simply exercising my right to free speech on public property, there’s not a damn thing you can do about me standing here, posting notices to the public, and speaking the truth. Two can play this game, you know. And only one of us has to live with the long term consequences of allllllllllll your neighbors hearing alllllllllll the juicy details about why you’re harboring a runaway child.”

The grandmother slashed the curtains closed again, and Shadow waited a moment to see if she would come storming out of the house to talk to her. But when there was no further movement, Shadow walked over to the speaker and turned it on. Mikey’s cue to join in the fun. She pulled out her phone and looked at it as if suddenly receiving a phone call, even though he hadn’t quite called in yet.

“Alright Susan! Looks like its time to play everyone’s favorite gameshow, Gossip On The Grass! America’s only gameshow that runs 24/7, 365 days per year, all for the low-low price of your dignity! Well would you look at that. Our first lucky caller is already calling in. Hi, how are you, friend? What do you have to contribute to today’s show?”

@accioturtur

under the cut for violence talk and all that

Don shrugged and disappeared into the kitchen.

"You definitely did better than I usually do when he blows a fuse. That takes patience."

"I think he's just more cautious around me. What do you think that was about?"

Leo shrugged. "I think it hit him really hard. You know, not taking care of you guys."

"Does he ever....scare you? Like he might go off the deep end?"

"No more than any of us. Raph is just passionate and expressive, you know that. Better out than in, right?" he chuckled. "Can you imagine if he actually bottled everything up and it all exploded out at once or something?" He shuttered.

Don came back from the kitchen with two cups of coffee and handed one to her. "Come on, let's go sleuthing."

"We definitely don't have to do this now D. Shouldn't you guys...?"

He shrugged. "I'm up, and Mikey's got it covered. He's nuts, I'd never volunteer to be on the other end of that temper willingly. Plus we need an answer sooner rather than later. When Raph is in that kind of mood, it's just going to get much worse until he gets some kind of a resolution, you know?" his voice trailed off as he headed for his lab.

*****************

"Yo, dude!"

"Not now Mikey. I'm NOT in the mood."

"I can tell. Come on, you need to blow off some steam. We can do this the easy way or the hard way."

Raphael stopped and closed his eyes. "I do NOT need this."

"Yeah ya do." He poked his shoulder. "I can maaaake you, it's not even hard! You know I'm #1 in pushing your buttons."

He shot daggers at him, but relented. "Fine."

"Yay!"

Mikey led the way to the dojo. Truthfully, he wasn't looking that forward to sparring. Not worried, he was always faster in a pinch, but because Raph needed to hit something. Hard.

As soon as they were both ready, Mikey wasted no time baiting his brother, landing several early hits to stoke his frustration.

Raphael grunted and wasted no time lurching at him. Mikey continued to evade him to wear down his energy.

"What's up with this attitude? What's going on?"

Raphael landed a blow to his shoulder. Ouch. He certainly wasn't pulling his punches.

After a few minutes with no answer Mikey threw a punch he knew he would catch.

"Raph...?"

Raph's hand was definitely bigger than his. The crushing squeeze confirmed that.

"We let 'em down fer years!"

"We all know that, and we cleared the air, remember?"

Raphael's fist clenched even harder around his own and in a whirlwind of motion he found himself on his back on the ground. A foot slammed into his side right after. He floundered a bit to get back up to face him.

"We didn't wit her. An' you woulda felt tha same if it were Shadow gettin dumped."

Mikey pushed forward, aggressively attacking. "You kidding me right now?" He grunted as Raph blocked one of his kicks. "You don't think I had full rage about her dad the whole time?"

Raphael growled again and grabbed Mikey's leg and flung him across the room. "OOooookkkk, throwing kind of day" he groaned, rolling over to get up. He stood panting, watching him for a moment before rushing at him again.

"Why you gotta do this Mike? Ain't you pissed?"

Mikey considered that as they traded blows. He threw another punch for him to catch. "Raph, do you.."

"Do NOT finish that question. I dun care." He was bristling.

Mikey brought his foot to Raph's chest, both pushing him backwards to the ground and giving himself leverage to backflip away from him.

"Is this about....?"

Raph glared at him. "No." Then he looked away. "Maybe. It's jest, you two...."

Mikey nodded and offered him his hand. "I get it. Look that's not..."

"IT AIN'T FAIR!"

"I know. None of it is. For any of us."

"Like you got room to talk."

Mikey sighed. "You're right. I don't. Can we just give Don a couple of days at least? Please? We just need to be there for her."

Raph's expression darkened as his eyes burned holes into the dojo mat.

**************

"How'd it go?"

"MMmm, that's a biiiiig question." He made a face at her as he pulled off her shirt and shorts.

"Is it now?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, babe."

"As you literally undress me?"

His nose pressed into her neck. "Mmmmm"

"Are you both alright at least?"

"Right as rain."

Shadow put her hand on his shoulder to stop him. "Mike? Did he hurt you?"

"I don't wanna talk about Raph right now" " he whined. "I'm fine. He'd never..." he caught himself. "He's just...conflicted."

"About?"

He sat back on his heels., pouting. "Just stuff babe. A part of it is that he feels kinda useless. You know he likes to take care of everyone."

"That didn't seem like a bit of an overreaction to you?"

"Yeah, yeah it did. But it's pretty on brand."

"Does he, is there more to it?"

"I dunno." He leaned in again, nudging her shoulder with his beak. "Whattya mean?"

"Mike, I'm worried!"

That made him sit back again, this time with a bit of a frown. "Ah, hmmmm. Ok. I think it's a lot of things, actually. A little bit angry at himself. A little bit jealous coz he wants people to be happy but also wants to be happy. A little bit lost. There's some stuff you don't know about."

It wasn’t like Shadow couldn’t see it happening. In her personal opinion, Sabrina was the more traditionally beautiful of the two of them. Softer features, longer lashes, fuller lips, smaller and cuter. Almost cherubic. But then again, Shadow was quite biased in that regard as well. So it wasn’t exactly a big surprise to hear that Sabrina had caught yet another eye. But there was the somewhat non-traditional issue of sisters dating brothers that gave Shadow pause.

If things with Ryan didn’t work out, then Sabrina *would* need a plan B. It wouldn’t be weird for Raph to be an option in that regard, would it?

… Sabrina would be safe with him, right?

Did Raphael even like kids?

She was pulled from her thoughts by a nibble to her jaw line. “Don’t think too hard about it, babe. We still gotta find Ryan. And you seemed pretty certain that the kid’ll come back.”

Shadow sighed and relaxed against Mikey’s shoulder. “I know. I just like to be prepared for the possibilities. And… I know I talked a big game out there but… human teens aren’t usually that well known for just needing a day or two to clear their heads and then come back ready to keep showing up for the mess they made. … I’m… I’m not holding my breath for Ryan. If he really did leave and he’s smart he’ll stay gone. New identity, new phone, new city, new life. Don’s good, but if a person really wants to disappear it can take years to find them if they do it the right way. My guess though… the kid’ll do one of the classic amateur blunders and log into one of his social media accounts from his new location and Don’ll catch him that way.”

Mikey nuzzled into her neck, eyes sliding closed for a moment as he took a deep breath of her scent. Stress sweat still clung to her skin, but it didn’t have the sharp kick of being fresh. Just a lingering hint from earlier. “Then what?”

Shadow sighed. “Then we give him a day or two to see if he’s coming back. And if not, I go talk to him.”

“We.”

“I,” Shadow insisted, her tone firm enough to make Mikey’s fingertips curl into her skin just a little with frustration. “I need you here with Sabrina and Raph. If this is really getting under his shell like you say it is, then Raph’s gonna blow a gasket if I can’t convince Ryan to come back to Sabrina. And for that I need you here. I don’t want Raph to do something stupid. I can talk to a human teen just fine on my own, and it would really mean a lot to me knowing that I had you here to mitigate.”

“But I wanna come,” Mikey whined, making Shadow chuckle into his shoulder softly.

“Because you’re going to scare Ryan straight or because you want an excuse for us to get a hotel together for a couple of nights?”

“Who says it can’t be both?”

Shadow kissed him and booped his nose. “It could be. But I’m asking you to stay. For Raph. Your brother. Whom you love very much.”

Mikey grumbled a little and tugged Shadow closer, mulling her request over for a moment before coming to a decision. “… No.”

Shadow blinked rapidly in the crook of his neck where she’d nestled her cheek, then leaned back to look up at him. “No? What do you mean ‘no?’”

Now it was his term to look down at her firmly. “I mean no, I’m not staying. I do love Raph, but he’s big boy. And Donnie and Leo can take a turn with him. I said I wasn’t going to just keep blindly believing you when you say you’ve got something handled anymore. And I meant it. This punk abandoned Sabrina. And I know how much that’s gotta be eating you up, even if you’re really good at pretending you’re fine. So I’m going with you to confront him. You know I can sneak into whatever car, train, bus, or taxi you’ll take to get there. So don’t even try to lose me on the way there. I’m coming with you.”

Shadow blinked rapidly again, unsure of how to feel about this new change. She was so used to Mikey taking her word as truth and going with her guidance, it almost felt disrespectful for him to decide to disregard her reassurances. Her wishes. But that was just the knee-jerk reaction, and she knew better than to go with whatever her emotions reacted with first. No, she let this new point of conflict settle over her shoulders for a moment. Let herself feel the weight of it. And after a few beats of silence the prickle of indignation settled. And so did she. She settled back down against his chest, arms wrapping around him once again.

“… ok,” she murmured quietly. “… thank you.”

This was new, sure. But not every change had to be bad or scary, right?

Would this be what it would feel like to have him take more of the lead in decision-making if the two of them ever followed in Sabrina’s footsteps?

**********************************

Sometimes Shadow really hated to be right. Don had a location within a day, and a backdoor to his new phone in less than an hour after that. And Ryan made no moves to return to Manhattan by the end of the week. Every day the kid was in New England (apparently he had family there) Raph’s mood got worse. Sabrina stayed with her mother, who distracted the both of them with baby shopping trips and picking nursery paint colors. Which was probably for the best, because the tension around the lair was thick and heavy. Enough so that Mikey actually escaped to stay with Shadow at her apartment for as much time as possible.

But finally Saturday morning broke, and Shadow and Mikey hit the road for New England. There were snacks and radio songs to sing along to, but even Mikey’s very best jokes couldn’t fully erode Shadow’s somber mood. Eventually she had to ask.

When he turned back to give her an answer he was cheerful as ever, grin matching in his eyes,. "I don't know. I really don't. I don't know him well enough to make a judgement call either way. But honestly I don't think we're here to convince him of anything unless he wants you too."

Her hands tightening on the wheel didn't escape him.

"Baby. It's not up to us to figure this out for them. We're here to take the temperature and offer advice and air grievances on behalf of Sabrina. We can't fix this for them."

Reality sucked though, and he knew that's what she was looking for.

She’d managed to make it all the way to K before a warm hand settled over her face and fingertips pressed her eyes closed. “Shh,” Mikey murmured into the dark. “I c’n hear you think’n from over here.”

“Sorry,” she whispered back with a sigh. “Just can’t stop imagining how it might go wrong tomorrow. If I say the wrong thing. If I’m doing the wrong thing. I dunno. I know I’m overthinking it. I just… would never be able to forgive myself if I had to go home to Sabrina knowing that Ryan might have been considering going back to her but because of me he’s decided not to anymore.”

Mikey pulled her closer and took up a mouthful of her shoulder. “Need a distraction?”

She sighed again, a little softer this time, and the smell of distress that was keeping Mikey from being able to sleep eased enough to answer on Shadow’s behalf. “No, it’s ok. It’s late, I’m sorry for keeping you up. You can go back to sleep.”

“I sleep once you sleep,” he reminded her. Shadow wouldn’t go so far as to say that it was a running point of conflict, but try as Shadow might to get Mikey to sleep even if she wasn’t capable of it in the moment, his senses were simply too heightened to let him truly sleep if she was awake or moving around the room more often than not. It had always been that way. And though she may try her usual tricks to work around it, there was no denying that usually the best and fastest way to get Mikey to sleep was for her to let him get her to sleep first. Annoying and frustrating though it may be.

“I guess if we’re not sleeping anyways…” she reasoned, encouraging him to continue with a permissive arch of her back that pushed her hips into his as well as her neck and shoulder into his chest. The ache in his chest eased a little once the only thing the two of them were wearing was the moonlight from the window. But it wasn’t quite enough to simply slip into something a little more comfortable (namely, her) with as preoccupied as she was over the situation with her sister. No, he had to work a little harder than usual to provide a proper distraction. But it was time and energy well spent.

Time with her like this always was, damn the sleep deprivation that would be their consequence to deal with in the morning. Better to get one truly restful hour of sleep than five hours of fitful half-sleep, right?

Shadow seemed to agree with his logic, at least in part, when she peered at the clock after they were back to being cuddled up under the covers again. Though with a new sheen of sweat and other things that would need to be scrubbed off come morning. “Ok… 90 minute power nap… we go do the thing… and then we come back for a couple more hours of sleep.”

Mikey grunted a noise of agreement, and Shadow didn’t miss the feeling of his lips pulled into a little smile of satisfaction against her bare shoulder just before she finally gave in to the dark.

******************************

Showered, dressed, and as ready as she was ever going to be, Shadow stood on the front steps of the modest colonial-style New England home. Mikey had hidden himself out of sight of the door but nearby enough to hear the conversation or signal to Shadow if she was going to head too far off course. She’d rehearsed this enough times in her mind to feel confident that she could at least start out on the right foot.

Knock, knock, knock

The bustling sounds coming from inside paused for a moment, then changed direction. A bit more bustling, then the sound of a deadbolt turning. The door opened to an older woman, likely Ryan's grandmother or a great aunt of sorts, whom Shadow gave a practiced smile meant to look warm and friendly. "Good morning. My name is Shadow. May I please speak with Ryan? I'm a school friend of his."

"Does your last name happen to be Stevens?"

"It does! I'm so glad you've already heard about me and my-"

She didn't get to finish her sentence, as the door immediately slammed in her face and the deadbolt turned noisily. Blinking at the door for a few moments, Shadow had to process the fact that she'd just been denied even speaking with Ryan in the first place. And THAT told her plenty about whether the family staying here knew about what Ryan was running from and how they felt about it.

Indignation flared hot in her chest and a flash of fury twisted her expression before Shadow smoothed it out again with years of practice at compartmentalizing her emotions. She knocked on the door again, calling through to the occupants inside. "Ma'am. If you know who I am then you know why I'm here. I just want to talk to Ryan. Please."

"He's not here! Go Away! I'll call the police and tell them you're trespassing on private property! I have a No Soliciting sign on my door!"

"Ma'am, I'm not here to solicit anything. I'm here to ask for clarification. Ryan can't run from this without taking any responsibility for his actions. We can either do this the civil way or the legal way. If you want to protect him, then please don't make me invoke my sister's right to child support by way of garnishing Ryan's wages through a court order. Having that on his record will affect his future a lot more than him just stepping up like a man. I just need to talk to him so we can sort this out like adults."

"I told you he isn't here! Now Go Away! If you're still on my porch in 30 seconds, I'm calling the police and charging you with harassment!"

Shadow glared daggers at the door, feeling a rising bubble of pettiness tunnel her vision. She stormed out to the sidewalk, turned on her heel, and stood with her arms crossed as she glared at the house. Her phone buzzed with a text from Mikey, which she ignored for a moment while seething at the unforeseen turn this had taken. She'd been so focused on planning for how to deal with the conversation with Ryan that she had failed to account for the fact that there was likely a reason he'd run all the way here to this more distant relative's house. But after a moment of seething she finally pulled out her phone and looked down at the text from Mikey.

[Do you want me to go get him?]

Shadow snorted with amusement and looked up at the house again. Ironic that now she was wondering if Ryan was going to be the reasonable person in that house, should she be able to get to him. She held up a finger to ask him to wait a moment, which she was certain Mikey could see from his vantage point, and first called Donnie. After the second ring, he picked up.

"Hey, is there a problem?" "Hello to you too, Dee. Sorry for the early hour. Can you get me Ryan's current location? Or at least the current location of his phone? Grandma is claiming the kid's not here and won't let me speak to him." "Sure." There was the sound of fingers flying across a keyboard, and a few moments later a sound of a hum. "Yeah, looks like the phone is in the house and was last used to scroll Instagram for about 2 hours at midnight last night. Hasn't left that location since. Looks like he's most likely still inside." "Thanks Dee. I'll call with an update once I get this sorted out." "Good luck, sounds like you're gonna need it."

She hung up with Donnie and then texted Mikey back while wearing an evil grin.

@accioturtur

under the cut for violence talk and all that

Don shrugged and disappeared into the kitchen.

"You definitely did better than I usually do when he blows a fuse. That takes patience."

"I think he's just more cautious around me. What do you think that was about?"

Leo shrugged. "I think it hit him really hard. You know, not taking care of you guys."

"Does he ever....scare you? Like he might go off the deep end?"

"No more than any of us. Raph is just passionate and expressive, you know that. Better out than in, right?" he chuckled. "Can you imagine if he actually bottled everything up and it all exploded out at once or something?" He shuttered.

Don came back from the kitchen with two cups of coffee and handed one to her. "Come on, let's go sleuthing."

"We definitely don't have to do this now D. Shouldn't you guys...?"

He shrugged. "I'm up, and Mikey's got it covered. He's nuts, I'd never volunteer to be on the other end of that temper willingly. Plus we need an answer sooner rather than later. When Raph is in that kind of mood, it's just going to get much worse until he gets some kind of a resolution, you know?" his voice trailed off as he headed for his lab.

*****************

"Yo, dude!"

"Not now Mikey. I'm NOT in the mood."

"I can tell. Come on, you need to blow off some steam. We can do this the easy way or the hard way."

Raphael stopped and closed his eyes. "I do NOT need this."

"Yeah ya do." He poked his shoulder. "I can maaaake you, it's not even hard! You know I'm #1 in pushing your buttons."

He shot daggers at him, but relented. "Fine."

"Yay!"

Mikey led the way to the dojo. Truthfully, he wasn't looking that forward to sparring. Not worried, he was always faster in a pinch, but because Raph needed to hit something. Hard.

As soon as they were both ready, Mikey wasted no time baiting his brother, landing several early hits to stoke his frustration.

Raphael grunted and wasted no time lurching at him. Mikey continued to evade him to wear down his energy.

"What's up with this attitude? What's going on?"

Raphael landed a blow to his shoulder. Ouch. He certainly wasn't pulling his punches.

After a few minutes with no answer Mikey threw a punch he knew he would catch.

"Raph...?"

Raph's hand was definitely bigger than his. The crushing squeeze confirmed that.

"We let 'em down fer years!"

"We all know that, and we cleared the air, remember?"

Raphael's fist clenched even harder around his own and in a whirlwind of motion he found himself on his back on the ground. A foot slammed into his side right after. He floundered a bit to get back up to face him.

"We didn't wit her. An' you woulda felt tha same if it were Shadow gettin dumped."

Mikey pushed forward, aggressively attacking. "You kidding me right now?" He grunted as Raph blocked one of his kicks. "You don't think I had full rage about her dad the whole time?"

Raphael growled again and grabbed Mikey's leg and flung him across the room. "OOooookkkk, throwing kind of day" he groaned, rolling over to get up. He stood panting, watching him for a moment before rushing at him again.

"Why you gotta do this Mike? Ain't you pissed?"

Mikey considered that as they traded blows. He threw another punch for him to catch. "Raph, do you.."

"Do NOT finish that question. I dun care." He was bristling.

Mikey brought his foot to Raph's chest, both pushing him backwards to the ground and giving himself leverage to backflip away from him.

"Is this about....?"

Raph glared at him. "No." Then he looked away. "Maybe. It's jest, you two...."

Mikey nodded and offered him his hand. "I get it. Look that's not..."

"IT AIN'T FAIR!"

"I know. None of it is. For any of us."

"Like you got room to talk."

Mikey sighed. "You're right. I don't. Can we just give Don a couple of days at least? Please? We just need to be there for her."

Raph's expression darkened as his eyes burned holes into the dojo mat.

**************

"How'd it go?"

"MMmm, that's a biiiiig question." He made a face at her as he pulled off her shirt and shorts.

"Is it now?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, babe."

"As you literally undress me?"

His nose pressed into her neck. "Mmmmm"

"Are you both alright at least?"

"Right as rain."

Shadow put her hand on his shoulder to stop him. "Mike? Did he hurt you?"

"I don't wanna talk about Raph right now" " he whined. "I'm fine. He'd never..." he caught himself. "He's just...conflicted."

"About?"

He sat back on his heels., pouting. "Just stuff babe. A part of it is that he feels kinda useless. You know he likes to take care of everyone."

"That didn't seem like a bit of an overreaction to you?"

"Yeah, yeah it did. But it's pretty on brand."

"Does he, is there more to it?"

"I dunno." He leaned in again, nudging her shoulder with his beak. "Whattya mean?"

"Mike, I'm worried!"

That made him sit back again, this time with a bit of a frown. "Ah, hmmmm. Ok. I think it's a lot of things, actually. A little bit angry at himself. A little bit jealous coz he wants people to be happy but also wants to be happy. A little bit lost. There's some stuff you don't know about."

It wasn’t like Shadow couldn’t see it happening. In her personal opinion, Sabrina was the more traditionally beautiful of the two of them. Softer features, longer lashes, fuller lips, smaller and cuter. Almost cherubic. But then again, Shadow was quite biased in that regard as well. So it wasn’t exactly a big surprise to hear that Sabrina had caught yet another eye. But there was the somewhat non-traditional issue of sisters dating brothers that gave Shadow pause.

If things with Ryan didn’t work out, then Sabrina *would* need a plan B. It wouldn’t be weird for Raph to be an option in that regard, would it?

… Sabrina would be safe with him, right?

Did Raphael even like kids?

She was pulled from her thoughts by a nibble to her jaw line. “Don’t think too hard about it, babe. We still gotta find Ryan. And you seemed pretty certain that the kid’ll come back.”

Shadow sighed and relaxed against Mikey’s shoulder. “I know. I just like to be prepared for the possibilities. And… I know I talked a big game out there but… human teens aren’t usually that well known for just needing a day or two to clear their heads and then come back ready to keep showing up for the mess they made. … I’m… I’m not holding my breath for Ryan. If he really did leave and he’s smart he’ll stay gone. New identity, new phone, new city, new life. Don’s good, but if a person really wants to disappear it can take years to find them if they do it the right way. My guess though… the kid’ll do one of the classic amateur blunders and log into one of his social media accounts from his new location and Don’ll catch him that way.”

Mikey nuzzled into her neck, eyes sliding closed for a moment as he took a deep breath of her scent. Stress sweat still clung to her skin, but it didn’t have the sharp kick of being fresh. Just a lingering hint from earlier. “Then what?”

Shadow sighed. “Then we give him a day or two to see if he’s coming back. And if not, I go talk to him.”

“We.”

“I,” Shadow insisted, her tone firm enough to make Mikey’s fingertips curl into her skin just a little with frustration. “I need you here with Sabrina and Raph. If this is really getting under his shell like you say it is, then Raph’s gonna blow a gasket if I can’t convince Ryan to come back to Sabrina. And for that I need you here. I don’t want Raph to do something stupid. I can talk to a human teen just fine on my own, and it would really mean a lot to me knowing that I had you here to mitigate.”

“But I wanna come,” Mikey whined, making Shadow chuckle into his shoulder softly.

“Because you’re going to scare Ryan straight or because you want an excuse for us to get a hotel together for a couple of nights?”

“Who says it can’t be both?”

Shadow kissed him and booped his nose. “It could be. But I’m asking you to stay. For Raph. Your brother. Whom you love very much.”

Mikey grumbled a little and tugged Shadow closer, mulling her request over for a moment before coming to a decision. “… No.”

Shadow blinked rapidly in the crook of his neck where she’d nestled her cheek, then leaned back to look up at him. “No? What do you mean ‘no?’”

Now it was his term to look down at her firmly. “I mean no, I’m not staying. I do love Raph, but he’s big boy. And Donnie and Leo can take a turn with him. I said I wasn’t going to just keep blindly believing you when you say you’ve got something handled anymore. And I meant it. This punk abandoned Sabrina. And I know how much that’s gotta be eating you up, even if you’re really good at pretending you’re fine. So I’m going with you to confront him. You know I can sneak into whatever car, train, bus, or taxi you’ll take to get there. So don’t even try to lose me on the way there. I’m coming with you.”

Shadow blinked rapidly again, unsure of how to feel about this new change. She was so used to Mikey taking her word as truth and going with her guidance, it almost felt disrespectful for him to decide to disregard her reassurances. Her wishes. But that was just the knee-jerk reaction, and she knew better than to go with whatever her emotions reacted with first. No, she let this new point of conflict settle over her shoulders for a moment. Let herself feel the weight of it. And after a few beats of silence the prickle of indignation settled. And so did she. She settled back down against his chest, arms wrapping around him once again.

“… ok,” she murmured quietly. “… thank you.”

This was new, sure. But not every change had to be bad or scary, right?

Would this be what it would feel like to have him take more of the lead in decision-making if the two of them ever followed in Sabrina’s footsteps?

**********************************

Sometimes Shadow really hated to be right. Don had a location within a day, and a backdoor to his new phone in less than an hour after that. And Ryan made no moves to return to Manhattan by the end of the week. Every day the kid was in New England (apparently he had family there) Raph’s mood got worse. Sabrina stayed with her mother, who distracted the both of them with baby shopping trips and picking nursery paint colors. Which was probably for the best, because the tension around the lair was thick and heavy. Enough so that Mikey actually escaped to stay with Shadow at her apartment for as much time as possible.

But finally Saturday morning broke, and Shadow and Mikey hit the road for New England. There were snacks and radio songs to sing along to, but even Mikey’s very best jokes couldn’t fully erode Shadow’s somber mood. Eventually she had to ask.

... but then I think about it & it probably takes a LOT of skill for dude-man to do that & make it look legit.

Props, my guy, for not only bringing kiddo such joy WHILE managing to look super cool at the same time.

@accioturtur

under the cut for violence talk and all that

"Aww, Shady" Raph wasn't going to have words, but Don certainly did. "If you only knew how many times we had that conversation." Raph nodded, bows furrowed in anger thouigh his face was hidden in her hair.

"Trust me when I say that you're absolutely right. When we were young, we didn't know, we just kinda trusted you and we were afraid we might make things worse for you. Once we understood a bit more about human life, we were all really scared about the possibility of losing you."

Raph finally chimed in, emotions catching in his throat. "None of us could think about losin ya." He squeezed her a bit tighter and buried his beak into her neck. "Mikey ain't the only one who planned it all out a dozen times ya know." His voice lowered to a whisper "I'm so sorry kid. 'N I always will be, an I'll never let it happen again, ta anyone."

"We should have talked about it more. I..." Don glanced over at Leo and his mouth pressed into a thin line for a moment, tears also threatening to fall. "We should have checked in more often. You were so smart and courageous we didn't think to question you at first. I guess, if it means anything which it probably shouldn't, the fact that we didn't do anything means you were always more a Hamato than not."

The three stayed attached for a few minutes, the others waiting silently. When they finally let her go, tears wiped away and breathing slowed, Leo stood to face her. Her analogy to physical injuries struck him as interesting. A tactic he also would have chosen, if he did not know that the person he was talking with had not also experienced the same kind of unseeable injuries. Did he know that she had held such deep trauma? He had to admit he at least hoped she did not. It made him painfully aware that he had let Michelangelo take on that burden instead of doing what he should have done himself. He stood awkwardly for a moment, deciding what to say, carefully choosing his words in a way that maybe only she could understand.

He opened his mouth, then shut it, then tried again. "Shadow, you... you and I are a lot alike. I completely understand how you felt the need to protect us, and your sister. And honestly, I actually really respected how strong you were, and are. Like the rest of the guys of course I wanted to do something, but I am not going to lie and say that maybe you were a big reason little 12 year old Leo decided that he needed to be a bit more like his friend Shadow and take on more responsibility for others. Of course we knew you were trying to protect us, and doing everything you could to make sure we could all stay in each other's lives. We could only repay you in ways we thought you needed or wanted, but we were wrong. Out of all of us, I was the one that should have made the call." He actually had to chuckle. "If you only knew how many times I had to stop Mikey and Raph. I really am the bad guy here."

He shifted uncomfortably for few seconds, then lifted his hand to put it on her cheek. Direct eye contact was necessary, he told himself. For sincerity. He was their leader, and he failed them all. He could not fix this either. All he could do was accept responsibility for it.

"You have been family since we met you, so failing you, to me, is just as bad as failing any of my brothers. And I have, so many times. But each time I learn. I should have been smarter, I should have been bolder. I am so sorry, because I love you, and your sister so much, just as much as any of these idiots. I was so impressed by your bravery that I thought you were literally the same as us, walking through fire every single day with your chin up and chest out. I thought you were better than u....than me. Nothing seemed phase you to the point of giving up and you just had endless courage and my admiration blinded me from the truth." He was fighting the tears now, so he gave in and pulled her to his chest. He gave a kiss to the top of her head. "Forgiveness is not a thing I deserve from you Shadow, but if you can find it in your heart, I will work to earn back your trust. You can be certain this will weigh on my soul the rest of my life."

After they had a minute of tearful embrace, Mikey cleared his throat loudly. "AHEM, ok guys I love you but y'all need to stop being so all hands on with the love of my life."

Leo was hurt for a moment, but seeing the warmth on his brother's face and feeling the weight on his own shoulders lessen, the realization of why Shadow was so devoted to him hit him like Raph when he wanted to end a fight and go to bed. He grinned a bit, pulling away from her. "Sure Mikey."

That left Splinter.

He was the smallest of the group, but he was nearly as tall as Shadow. His presence though, was giant and everyone was silent out of habitual respect.

Eyes full of sorrow, he reached out and took her hand, holding it and covering it with his other withered hand.

"Many sentiments have been expressed. Admiration for your courage and dedication to protect those you care about. Feelings of guilt, fear, regret, and anger. However, all of you were children. My sons with no context or understanding of the human world. You with the trauma of living a life so unfortunate that all your ideas were perverted. They had no reason to doubt a terrified child, because all they knew was how to respect the true strength that they recognized easily, within you."

Leo, just to his side, nodded quickly. Mikey visibly tensed.

"As the only adult in the situation, the blame lies solely on me."

"Dad you were.." Mikey tried to interject the obvious, but was ignored.

"I was blinded by the need to protect my sons. I had no idea if acting on your behalf would put them in danger. For the first few years, I would not have done anything that would risk their safety. However, once I knew how dedicated you were to them, I should have stepped in, or allowed them to."

He took a moment to catch his breath. He squeezed Shadow's hand.

"You, Shadow, have been loyal to our family for over a decade. You have demonstrated time and again you belong with us. I acknowledge with the upmost regret and guilt that I did not extend my full protectiveness over my sons to you, my daughter. I had hoped I fulfilled something for you that your father neglected but clearly, I did not fully succeed."

"Dad..." Shadow started, but he help up the hand that was covering her own.

“I’m sorry,” Shadow croaked into his robed shoulder. For what? Hard to say. For harboring misplaced resentment, for not speaking up sooner, for trying to carry too much on her shoulders on their behalf, for not trusting them with her feelings, for running away to an apartment rather than leaning on the support of her true family, for doubting them even the slightest bit. The list of infractions felt heavy on her shoulders, but the soft patting of Splinter’s palm against her back helped.

“Perhaps we all have some regrettable choices to apologize for. But we must remember that we are family,” he reassured her, directed of course at Shadow but spoken loudly enough to be heard by all. “And we are strongest when we are together.”

Shadow nodded into his shoulder before letting him go, sniffling and wiping at her eyes for a moment before taking an offered take-out napkin with a small laugh. “Thanks. Geez, I’ve really sprung a leak today. And I forgive you. All of you. I was hurt, yeah, but never really mad at you for it. How can I be mad about you listening to me and respecting my reassurances that I had it handled? I really don’t want this to be a big thing. I just… was being dumb and emotional…”

“Nah, hey. Don’t say that.”

“No, your feelings are valid.”

“Yeah, knock that off!”

Shadow laughed, still rough and wet but breathing easier now. “Sorry. What I mean is… I don’t want you guys to feel like this changes anything. I love you guys. I always will. I trust you with my life. We all do. We have to. There isn’t anything broken or lost. Well… no more than usual. Turtle Luck and all that. Just… I’m sorry too. I need to be better about saying how I’m feeling rather than always putting on a brave face. You didn’t know, and that’s on me.”

“We did know, though,” Raph countered, scowling with a rumble to his tone. “We knew it wasn’t right. And we still let it happen. Even if ya never came cryin’ta us about it.”

“Oh I came crying to Mikey here and there,” Shadow admitted bashfully, throwing a look at her love. “But even still. I love you guys more than this bump in the road could jeopardize. And moving forward… I think… maybe in conjunction with my need to practice being more honest about how I’m doing… I’d… it might be a good idea to just… admit that I kindof have a lot of issues with trying to carry too much for too long. And take a moment now while we’re being honest to say out loud that I really don’t consider it offensive if you guys check me on my bullshit if you notice that things aren’t right. In fact I think… I think maybe I need that. A lot. I don’t really have a good baseline for what a normal or healthy amount of ‘world-on-your-shoulders’ stress and responsibility is, all things considered for our circumstances. So I really do need a reality check sometimes, if that’s not too much to ask for.”

“You mean that?” Donnie asked, head cocked slightly to one side. “Criticism, even if constructive, can be hard to take if a person is already experiencing high amounts of stress or if they’re already feeling defensive.”

Shadow shrugged. “I mean… yeah it sucks. But I trust you guys. And that means you aren’t going to say stuff like that unless you mean it. Or you’re Raph,” she teased with a steadier grin at the hothead. He just snorted in amusement and pulled her in for a noogie.

“Watch it, pipsqueak. You just gave us all permission to knock some sense in’ta ya. And don’t think I’ll pull any punches.”

"See, that wasn't so hard was it?" he chuckled, the enormous swelling in his chest almost overwhelming him knowing everyone was going to be okay. "Gotta air the dirty laundry once in awhile, and you know what? Then you have clean underwear." Everybody wins!"

"Until they get all ripe and ya gotta do it all over again. Twice as fast if yer Mikey."

Mikey pushed his shoulder, laughing. "At least I own my stink fathead."

The wild gleam in Raphael’s eye was enough warning for Shadow to put a hand on Mikey’s arm and take one measurable step backwards. Not that such a small change in distance would be enough to stop Raphael, or even give her a head start if he started swinging. But it was enough to silently communicate that Raphael needed a little more space than the brothers seemed naturally inclined to give.

“Raph. Deep breath, please. I didn’t tell you this because I wanted you to do something about it. And I mean it this time, not in a ‘please act on your own anyways in spite of my words’ way. I think maybe Ryan got cold feet and left to clear his head. Just because Sabrina can’t get ahold of him and he’s not answering his door doesn’t mean he’s gone forever.”

“Ryan?” Don asked, perking up mid-stretch. “Sabrina’s baby daddy?”

Shadow grimaced at the phrasing but couldn’t bring herself to correct him. The man wasn’t wrong. “Yes, that Ryan. Sabrina’s pretty emotional about it but I’m trying to convince her that maybe he just went on a little sabbatical or maybe he forgot to tell her about a trip he’d planned. Just because he’s nowhere to be found doesn’t mean that he’s gone forever, and I don’t want any of you all to jump to conclusions either. This is a big, intimidating thing to have unexpectedly happen to a person and to his credit he’s been handling it well and being supportive do far. While I’m pissed that he didn’t talk to Sabrina about whatever this is before he left, I can’t fault the guy for getting scared and needing a couple of days to clear his head. So nobody, including you Raph, is going to do anything rash. We’re going to be calm about it, and Don if you have some time at some point I think it would help Sabrina have a little peace of mind if we just knew where he was. And even if-slash-when we find him, we’re going to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him have a little space… provided it doesn’t take too long.”

“Bull-fucking-shit we are! You don’t just disappear on someone like that while they’re carrying your kid! And the longer we wait the further this guy gets away!” Raph shouts, swinging his arm broadly with just a little too much force. “Forget ‘clearing your head!’ Sabrina’s got her next appointment tomorrow! If he skipped town just before an appointment like that, he ain’t comin’ back! The deadbeat’s gone!”

“…Raph…”

“DON’T PULL THAT TONE ON ME!” He bellows, clearing the gap between himself and Shadow in one quick step. “I’m gonna find that son of a bitch and snap in him half! She’s had enough shitty men treatin’ her bad! How can ya fuckin’ look at yourself! I thought you were gonna protect her! But you’re just rollin’ over and lettin’ shit happen without doing a damn thing about it. Again! Well, Fearless ain’t the only one who’s learned somethin’ new recently. I ain’t gonna sit on my ass for another 15 years this time!”

Shadow flinched, expression pinching with hurt. “Don’t you dare stand there and imply that I don’t hate this just as much as you do,” she hissed, breathing through the sting. It was a cheap shot, but Raph was worked up and Shadow wasn’t going to take it personally because she knew him better than that. Even if that cheap shot would continue to sting for a while even after this conversation was over.

“That’s rich. If ya did, we wouldn’t all be standin’ here with our thumbs up our—”

“Raph! That’s enough,” Leo barks, but as Raphael turns his wild-eyed gaze onto his brother Shadow presses forward undaunted.

“Raph, I know that if I freak out and overreact because I couldn’t just take a deep breath and let people make their own decisions, if I ruin this for Sabrina, that will only push her away. I know it feels shitty. I know it feels like being a shit friend and a heartless jackass. But I’m asking you. As your friend and sister. Wait. For a couple days. Please. If Ryan hasn’t crawled back by Friday, then we can go on a manhunt for him. Ok? I hate this too. I do. But they’re just kids. We all are. And kids do dumb stuff. It’s part of growing up. I need you here. With Sabrina. She needs to know she isn’t abandoned. So we can’t abandon her too, even if it’s for a good cause. Not yet. Ok? Please?”

Raphael growls, frustrated and furious. He jerks with a snap of his muscles and throws a haymaker just over Shadow’s head and just past the tip of Mikey’s nose, landing it squarely into a concrete pillar along the wall. It cracks under the immense force, and Raph turns on his heel to stalk away while muttering and grumbling to himself. Its not an agreement… but it’s not a dismissal either. Knowing Raph, it’s probably about as close to a reluctant agreement as can be expected under the circumstances. And Shadow breathes out a shaky sigh of relief once he’s out of sight.

FIRST:

The easiest way to get rid of the majority of the bullshit that Windows is forcing on us, as of October 2025, is this one-stop-one-click debloat solution from a modern day hero:

It's very easy, even if you're not tech savvy or get scared of pop up windows saying "ARE YOU SURE?" Yes, you are sure, I promise. This program takes maybe two minutes and will save you SO MUCH pain, time, and money (and exploitation).

Now that you've done that, here's the cleanup, to catch the little shit that the debloat might have missed (most of this will already be done by debloat, but hey, it's good to double check).

Even just reading about some of these features makes me angry. Fucking Copilot and "Discover" AI scrapers are in Notepad. NOTEPAD. And then there's this uncanny valley garbage:

No uncanny valley video calls for me, thanks! (Also, what else is it doing while it scans your face and listens to your calls? What else, microsoft? Because there was a lot of memory being assigned to this program for a simple "smooths your skin" add on).

The truly insane number of places they have stuck ads on your own home computer is sickening. Become Unmarketable.

Bonus:

Some background programs you probably don't need that are taking up space and how to remove them (Microsoft forums, 2024)

Your Samsung Galaxy Phone comes with 22 apps you don't need (Android Police, 2025)

@accioturtur

under the cut for violence talk and all that

"Aww, Shady" Raph wasn't going to have words, but Don certainly did. "If you only knew how many times we had that conversation." Raph nodded, bows furrowed in anger thouigh his face was hidden in her hair.

"Trust me when I say that you're absolutely right. When we were young, we didn't know, we just kinda trusted you and we were afraid we might make things worse for you. Once we understood a bit more about human life, we were all really scared about the possibility of losing you."

Raph finally chimed in, emotions catching in his throat. "None of us could think about losin ya." He squeezed her a bit tighter and buried his beak into her neck. "Mikey ain't the only one who planned it all out a dozen times ya know." His voice lowered to a whisper "I'm so sorry kid. 'N I always will be, an I'll never let it happen again, ta anyone."

"We should have talked about it more. I..." Don glanced over at Leo and his mouth pressed into a thin line for a moment, tears also threatening to fall. "We should have checked in more often. You were so smart and courageous we didn't think to question you at first. I guess, if it means anything which it probably shouldn't, the fact that we didn't do anything means you were always more a Hamato than not."

The three stayed attached for a few minutes, the others waiting silently. When they finally let her go, tears wiped away and breathing slowed, Leo stood to face her. Her analogy to physical injuries struck him as interesting. A tactic he also would have chosen, if he did not know that the person he was talking with had not also experienced the same kind of unseeable injuries. Did he know that she had held such deep trauma? He had to admit he at least hoped she did not. It made him painfully aware that he had let Michelangelo take on that burden instead of doing what he should have done himself. He stood awkwardly for a moment, deciding what to say, carefully choosing his words in a way that maybe only she could understand.

He opened his mouth, then shut it, then tried again. "Shadow, you... you and I are a lot alike. I completely understand how you felt the need to protect us, and your sister. And honestly, I actually really respected how strong you were, and are. Like the rest of the guys of course I wanted to do something, but I am not going to lie and say that maybe you were a big reason little 12 year old Leo decided that he needed to be a bit more like his friend Shadow and take on more responsibility for others. Of course we knew you were trying to protect us, and doing everything you could to make sure we could all stay in each other's lives. We could only repay you in ways we thought you needed or wanted, but we were wrong. Out of all of us, I was the one that should have made the call." He actually had to chuckle. "If you only knew how many times I had to stop Mikey and Raph. I really am the bad guy here."

He shifted uncomfortably for few seconds, then lifted his hand to put it on her cheek. Direct eye contact was necessary, he told himself. For sincerity. He was their leader, and he failed them all. He could not fix this either. All he could do was accept responsibility for it.

"You have been family since we met you, so failing you, to me, is just as bad as failing any of my brothers. And I have, so many times. But each time I learn. I should have been smarter, I should have been bolder. I am so sorry, because I love you, and your sister so much, just as much as any of these idiots. I was so impressed by your bravery that I thought you were literally the same as us, walking through fire every single day with your chin up and chest out. I thought you were better than u....than me. Nothing seemed phase you to the point of giving up and you just had endless courage and my admiration blinded me from the truth." He was fighting the tears now, so he gave in and pulled her to his chest. He gave a kiss to the top of her head. "Forgiveness is not a thing I deserve from you Shadow, but if you can find it in your heart, I will work to earn back your trust. You can be certain this will weigh on my soul the rest of my life."

After they had a minute of tearful embrace, Mikey cleared his throat loudly. "AHEM, ok guys I love you but y'all need to stop being so all hands on with the love of my life."

Leo was hurt for a moment, but seeing the warmth on his brother's face and feeling the weight on his own shoulders lessen, the realization of why Shadow was so devoted to him hit him like Raph when he wanted to end a fight and go to bed. He grinned a bit, pulling away from her. "Sure Mikey."

That left Splinter.

He was the smallest of the group, but he was nearly as tall as Shadow. His presence though, was giant and everyone was silent out of habitual respect.

Eyes full of sorrow, he reached out and took her hand, holding it and covering it with his other withered hand.

"Many sentiments have been expressed. Admiration for your courage and dedication to protect those you care about. Feelings of guilt, fear, regret, and anger. However, all of you were children. My sons with no context or understanding of the human world. You with the trauma of living a life so unfortunate that all your ideas were perverted. They had no reason to doubt a terrified child, because all they knew was how to respect the true strength that they recognized easily, within you."

Leo, just to his side, nodded quickly. Mikey visibly tensed.

"As the only adult in the situation, the blame lies solely on me."

"Dad you were.." Mikey tried to interject the obvious, but was ignored.

"I was blinded by the need to protect my sons. I had no idea if acting on your behalf would put them in danger. For the first few years, I would not have done anything that would risk their safety. However, once I knew how dedicated you were to them, I should have stepped in, or allowed them to."

He took a moment to catch his breath. He squeezed Shadow's hand.

"You, Shadow, have been loyal to our family for over a decade. You have demonstrated time and again you belong with us. I acknowledge with the upmost regret and guilt that I did not extend my full protectiveness over my sons to you, my daughter. I had hoped I fulfilled something for you that your father neglected but clearly, I did not fully succeed."

"Dad..." Shadow started, but he help up the hand that was covering her own.

“I’m sorry,” Shadow croaked into his robed shoulder. For what? Hard to say. For harboring misplaced resentment, for not speaking up sooner, for trying to carry too much on her shoulders on their behalf, for not trusting them with her feelings, for running away to an apartment rather than leaning on the support of her true family, for doubting them even the slightest bit. The list of infractions felt heavy on her shoulders, but the soft patting of Splinter’s palm against her back helped.

“Perhaps we all have some regrettable choices to apologize for. But we must remember that we are family,” he reassured her, directed of course at Shadow but spoken loudly enough to be heard by all. “And we are strongest when we are together.”

Shadow nodded into his shoulder before letting him go, sniffling and wiping at her eyes for a moment before taking an offered take-out napkin with a small laugh. “Thanks. Geez, I’ve really sprung a leak today. And I forgive you. All of you. I was hurt, yeah, but never really mad at you for it. How can I be mad about you listening to me and respecting my reassurances that I had it handled? I really don’t want this to be a big thing. I just… was being dumb and emotional…”

“Nah, hey. Don’t say that.”

“No, your feelings are valid.”

“Yeah, knock that off!”

Shadow laughed, still rough and wet but breathing easier now. “Sorry. What I mean is… I don’t want you guys to feel like this changes anything. I love you guys. I always will. I trust you with my life. We all do. We have to. There isn’t anything broken or lost. Well… no more than usual. Turtle Luck and all that. Just… I’m sorry too. I need to be better about saying how I’m feeling rather than always putting on a brave face. You didn’t know, and that’s on me.”

“We did know, though,” Raph countered, scowling with a rumble to his tone. “We knew it wasn’t right. And we still let it happen. Even if ya never came cryin’ta us about it.”

“Oh I came crying to Mikey here and there,” Shadow admitted bashfully, throwing a look at her love. “But even still. I love you guys more than this bump in the road could jeopardize. And moving forward… I think… maybe in conjunction with my need to practice being more honest about how I’m doing… I’d… it might be a good idea to just… admit that I kindof have a lot of issues with trying to carry too much for too long. And take a moment now while we’re being honest to say out loud that I really don’t consider it offensive if you guys check me on my bullshit if you notice that things aren’t right. In fact I think… I think maybe I need that. A lot. I don’t really have a good baseline for what a normal or healthy amount of ‘world-on-your-shoulders’ stress and responsibility is, all things considered for our circumstances. So I really do need a reality check sometimes, if that’s not too much to ask for.”

“You mean that?” Donnie asked, head cocked slightly to one side. “Criticism, even if constructive, can be hard to take if a person is already experiencing high amounts of stress or if they’re already feeling defensive.”

Shadow shrugged. “I mean… yeah it sucks. But I trust you guys. And that means you aren’t going to say stuff like that unless you mean it. Or you’re Raph,” she teased with a steadier grin at the hothead. He just snorted in amusement and pulled her in for a noogie.

“Watch it, pipsqueak. You just gave us all permission to knock some sense in’ta ya. And don’t think I’ll pull any punches.”

@accioturtur

under the cut for violence talk and all that

He repeatedly pet the back of her head and rubbed her back as he just let her cry out her fears onto his chest, gently giving a soft 'shhh' when her shaking body paused for a breath. He glanced up at the clock. She'd been about to go to bed when he got there, and they'd been talking for nearly an hour. He wondered if he could convince her to skip her 8am.

After she was done and her breathing slowed, he gently scooped her up and carried her over to her bed. As he began to pull of her pajamas, because to hell with the idea of leaving her and fuck not having skin to skin right then and there, he did his best to softly soothe her.

"I understand now, I get it. And it's okay. Okay for me. We'll work through this together like we always do. There will be an answer someday. "

When they were sufficiently face to face under her comforter, he did his best to wipe off her face. "You did great with Beans, and yeah you did practically raise her. Protected her, gave her the childhood you were robbed of. You were great with the kids you mom watched." He realized too late she probably had no idea he'd snuck in to watch her a few times without her knowing.

He gently leaned into her and kissed her forehead. "I know you're afraid. I can work with that. First off, I'm never going to be 'stuck' with you. If you turn out to be the worst mom ever then we'll tackle that, with 5 other people to help us figure it out. If you were that bad then I'd take our hypothetical kid somewhere else and give you supervised visits or something until we figured it out. I mean, do you honestly think I'd be okay with just being 'stuck' in any situation? No. Neither would you."

“Not being scared of people looking a little different than yourself doesn’t mean I can raise a kid without it developing every type of mental health disorder,” Shadow points out miserably, but even that doesn’t have the same weight or bite her earlier words did. Not when his efforts are working flawlessly, as they usually do when she’s feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Not when he always seems to know exactly what to say to soothe the raw and jagged edges in her heart.

“… would you really take them away if I was too terrible at it?” She finally asks quietly, looking up at him searchingly. Normally that would be a mother’s worst fear, the thought of losing access to her own kids. But for Shadow there was a comfort in knowing that Mikey wouldn’t prioritize her feelings over their (hypothetical) safety and well being. And when he confirmed that he meant what he had said, that he would watch out for them just like he does for the other children he comes across in his travels, a knot in her chest loosened a few degrees. And she scooted a little closer to hold him a little more tightly.

Maybe that was all she really needed, then. Some pre-arranged interventions. A 12-step program of sorts that Mikey or any of the brothers could act on if old darkness or habits or ingrained subconscious reactions jumped out at some point. It was a good idea, as Mikey’s often were when problem solving tricky issues like these. And if they both went into it knowing that this was going to be A Thing… then it wouldn’t catch Mikey by surprise like it had caught her own mother, right?

Could she really allow herself to consider a future where she could try her hand at giving yet another small someone a better start than she’d had?

That idea felt too far away still. Too big and heavy to even figure out *how* to grasp. But then again, maybe that was just the physical and emotional exhaustion talking. Still… there was always at least one thing she could lean on no matter how tired and frazzled and out of sorts she was.

With her sleeping peacefully against him, his own mind shifted into overdrive. He rehashed everything she'd said, re-evaluated what he'd said. If there was a positive spin to the curse business, it was that it made him pay a hell of a lot closer attention to his emotions, second guessing himself constantly. He had to accept that while he truly felt that he would be able to recognize the damaging patterns she was afraid of repeating and step in when necessary, there was also the aggressive cowardice that surfaced when the curse went unchecked for too long that had to be accounted for.

Like her, he figured, he would have to rely on everyone else in those times. They would have to step in for him just like they would for her. It would be okay. If everyone knew all of their....tendencies...they could serve as an early warning system. It could work.

Work. Work. She was right about one thing. To be a normal person in the normal world, you needed money. Don had his ways, but Mikey had at least some pride in the idea of being self sufficient. He needed to be more serious about it. Work harder on the ideas he had. She was certainly the brains of their little operation, but after this conversation, responsibility was something they needed to share in all aspects of their lives. Neither of them should be solely in control of any one thing between them, be it kids or knowing where their next meal was coming from, or boring things like money and taxes.

Ugh. He hated boring things.

But if he wanted a family some day, and he definitely did, he was going to have to prove to Shadow that he could be responsible too, even if that meant calling out any of her inappropriate behavior (if it ever happened.) He thought he's always been pretty good at it already.

He would spoil their little niece or nephew rotten, show them how to protect themselves, always make sure things were stable so Shadow didn't have to feel like taking care of her (their) family was solely on her shoulders.

And he had to do it legitimately. With a real bank account and a real identity. Somehow.

One that was very, very tempting. After so much crying the night prior her head throbbed with dehydration. Throat raw. Eyes still uncomfortably agitated. And for a few lingering moments she relaxed back into bed and strongly considered letting the firm press of his beak into the crook of her shoulder lull her eyes closed once again.

Still, it didn’t feel like enough of an excuse to stay home. She wasn’t injured, wasn’t dying or bleeding or limping too severely to be effective at work. And the workaholic in her wasn’t *quite* soothed into compliance just because the bed was warm and soft and soothing. Just because an extra ten, twenty, forty-five minutes of dosing and drifting sounded heavenly. Just because the longer she hesitated the more her still-frayed nerves and raw heart protested the idea of facing the real world today.

No… she really did need to get up. Be responsible. Be an adult. She was over 18 now. She needed to be mature and keep going even if the child in her chest cried softly at the idea of leaving things as they were in favor of things like work and paychecks and class and homework and laundry and dishes.

This was her Big Girl Apartment after all. The place where she insisted she needed to practice being a Strong Independent Woman. And if she was going to maintain the staunch, stubborn (internally-terrified) stance that this was Good and Necessary and Right For Her to be in this space ‘alone’ (where she could feel messy and inadequate and half-formed and grotesquely bleeding from the inside out without leaving proverbial bloodstains on the Hamato carpets until she could figure out how to stem the unending flow) (not that she was truly alone for long to feel that way with how often Mikey visited) then she needed to put her money where her mouth was, so to speak. Even on hard days. And that meant… getting up and facing the day today

Heavy sigh.

“Ok baby. Time for me to get up and get dressed for my morning classes. But you can stay and sleep if you want.”

She was a lot like Leo with her blind loyalty to obligation, but he also knew Leo well enough to know when he needed someone else to step in and stop him. She wasn't Leo, but something had shifted in him. As much as it was a paradigm shift for him to embrace the thought, she wasn't always right. He was going to trust his gut.

He grunted again at her insistence. "Mmmm mmm" he hummed. "We have the most important thing to do today. Waaaay more important than school or work or the Foot or Morinagas or even breakfast." He was quiet for a beat. "Ok maybe we can grab breakfast on the way. Lunch, probably."

"On the way to..?"

He wearily cracked open his protesting eyes. Oh yeah, he had a lot to do too, but that could also wait a day.

"You know" he sighed. That pretense that all was perfectly fine when it wasn't was going to have a lot of serious unlearning attached to it.

She groaned and dropped her forehead against his chest.

"It's not just for you babe. Everyone was feeling pretty terrible. Especially dad."

"Do we really have to address something this heavy, this early in the morning?"

His eyes drifted closed again and a grin grew across his face. "I'm not the one trying to get up. I could use a couple more hours."

He was relieved when she only struggled one more time to try and escape him, then seemed to deflate into the bed.

After a few silent minutes just enjoying each others presence, he admitted what she probably already suspected. "You want to fix everything, and usually you are amazing at it. But sometimes you have to let me try and fix things too. Let me have this, so I know everyone I love gets what they need today. Yeah?"

"Mikey, I, this is going to be so hard. Ugh, I Shouldn't have let so much out of my mouth. Those two owe me for blabbing."

He kissed the top of her head. "I know but feelings don't have to be apologized for. Not in our family. And I mean, would want to have to carry all that around the rest of your life? Clearing the air is a good thing, and I also would have been pretty offended if they hadn't told me. That's like, pique rude. Bad brother behavior."

**********

"If you want your sister there, let her know we'll be home in 15 minutes."

"I don't want her to have to..."

He cut her off with a judgmental glare.

She rolled her eyes. "This is between the 6 of us. I'll talk to her later."

"Promise?"

She held up her hand in a mock salute "Scouts honor, sir!"

He scooped her up and spun in a circle with her with a giggle. "You're so stupid. I love you so much."

"Hey! The food! You're going to make me drop it! I am not talking to everyone without their mouths stuffed first."

When they got to the lair, he was fully prepared to go in first. He'd texted everyone to make sure they were home (and awake), but he was still feeling overly protective of Shadow. No one wanted to have the conversation before them, least of all her. He took a deep breath, but was completely taken aback when Shadow breezed right past him through the door.

Raph, catching his lovesick-puppy expression as he followed her into their main living quarters, felt a small twinge of jealousy over what the two of them had. A flash of concern passed through his chest and he frowned. The two of them. They really did have something special, didn't they? From the moment they met.

Mikey stood by her, offering whatever support she needed. But when Shadow was determined, she took that bull by the horns and owned it and he didn't dare get in her way. Not that he couldn't sense, hell, even smell, the discomfort radiating from her entire body. He lifted the bag of food to his nose to overpower it for a moment before dropping the bags on the makeshift coffee table in front of them.

But no one took the initiative to breech that small gap, that low wall that had started to form. Plates were distributed, food piled on, and the act of pretending all was well was uncomfortable enough to dash any lingering hesitation clinging to Shadow's nerves. Very present nerves, mind you. This was definitely not something that she, or anyone, was looking forward to talking about. But difficulty had never been challenge enough to get her to back down. If anything, the fact that it was difficult was proof that it was necessary.

Nothing in life, it seemed, had ever come easily.

Except... perhaps Mikey.

Once everyone was seated with plates stacked high, Shadow took a sip of water. A deep breath. And a glance around the room. "... Hey. Uhm... I... need to apologize."

Eyes lifted to meet hers, and discomfort itched under her skin like beetles skittering under tree bark. "I... said some things the other day that were unfair to you all. And I'm sorry. I..."

She pressed her lips together, suddenly feeling like all the words she had been silently practicing and rehearsing since agreeing to skip her usual responsibilities for the day in favor of coming down here and facing the consequences of her outburst (facing and, worse, admitting to the ugly emotions she'd kept buried for so long) were terribly inadequate. Polite platitudes rather than the words that really needed to be said. No matter how jagged, rough, or unpolished they may be.

"You know how... when you break your arm. Wrist. Ankle. Hand. And every time you go to do something with it that's normally an unconscious action, you not only get reminded of how broken it is but it also hurts. It aches and stings and you feel a twinge of frustration at the pain, at the reminder of your broken state, at the circumstances that led to it, and at the circumstances that now require you to figure out how to navigate around your inadequacy. For a while you can handle it. It's not fun to do, but you manage because... it's not reasonable to scream and shout every time you run into something that digs at your injury. But if you get too many digs in a row, too many stabs of pain and frustration, then eventually you get to that one final straw that does finally make you shout your anger and frustration and hurt. And it wasn't necessarily that the final straw was any heavier to carry than any of the others... you've just accumulated too many small papercuts about it to keep it all in anymore. That... was what I was feeling the other day. And I'm sorry. You didn't deserve my accusations. You didn't do anything... different..."

Shadow hesitates on that word, knowing that there's an uncomfortable truth hidden in that choice of phrasing. That by admitting that everything was as it usually was... and that status quo was like little papercuts accumulating over time... she had to admit that being here with them... hurt. Not always. Not a lot. But a little.

And maybe, subconsciously, that had been part of the reason she'd decided it was important for her to leave rather than just stay here forever.

Another heavy sigh. And a hand held in the air as Leo sat up straighter with an intent look like he wanted to say something in response to that. "I love you guys and being here with you is the only thing I could or would ever ask for. You guys kept me sane through Hell, and I will forever consider myself in your debt for the friendship and the love you guys have showed me. You trusted me, you respected me, and you listened to me. I cannot ever fault you for listening to me and respecting my wishes about my family. ... And in the same breath... I was also a terrified child who feared the power I had been conditioned to believe my father held, and it was that fear of him and the consequences that self-proclaimed power could bring down on myself, my sister, my mother, and you all that kept me working so hard to keep you all from him. You all have seen enough victims of child abuse in its horrific forms to know that a child who begs an adult not to tell anyone about the abuse they are suffering once found out... isn't exactly a reliable source of advice."

This was it. The ugly, jagged, fanged resentment that had built up over the last number of years. "Time and time again, I watched all of you take children out of those terrible situations, soothe their tearful pleas not to tell anyone for fear of what the repercussions might be, and then go against those pleas to do what was right on their behalf. At first, I was grateful not to be one of them. Because what always inevitably followed was a drastic change. The kid always went away. To a grandma who lived out of state. To foster care. To the hospital. To a care facility. To an orphanage. Whatever their situation called for. And you guy were my one source of joy in this world. I was happy that you respected my choice because I thought that by doing so, you were protecting my only chance to be able to continue to see you guys. And if I had to choose between continuing to live in my father's house and being able to continue to be a part of your lives or allowing you to do as you had done with the other children I watched you save and be taken away from you... I would... and did... everything I could to ensure that I would be able to stay where you were. No matter the personal cost. I felt it was a worthwhile sacrifice. That you were worth that sacrifice. Just like it was a worthwhile sacrifice to take my father's attention and ire if it meant keeping Sabrina out of the crosshairs.

"And I assumed, unfairly, for a very long time, that you viewed the situation the same as I. That it was... worthwhile to you. For you to continue to allow me to live as I did. For you to stand by and allow the abuse to continue. In exchange for my part in your life. That my continued pain was an acceptable price to pay for my continued presence. It was a twisted sort of logic, immature and child-like, but since I had convinced myself that I was willing to pay that price it didn't seem to be a far stretch of the imagination that you would feel the same way that I did. And that explained why you saved everyone, absolutely everyone, that needed your help, no matter what it cost you to do so...."

@accioturtur

under the cut for violence talk and all that

He repeatedly pet the back of her head and rubbed her back as he just let her cry out her fears onto his chest, gently giving a soft 'shhh' when her shaking body paused for a breath. He glanced up at the clock. She'd been about to go to bed when he got there, and they'd been talking for nearly an hour. He wondered if he could convince her to skip her 8am.

After she was done and her breathing slowed, he gently scooped her up and carried her over to her bed. As he began to pull of her pajamas, because to hell with the idea of leaving her and fuck not having skin to skin right then and there, he did his best to softly soothe her.

"I understand now, I get it. And it's okay. Okay for me. We'll work through this together like we always do. There will be an answer someday. "

When they were sufficiently face to face under her comforter, he did his best to wipe off her face. "You did great with Beans, and yeah you did practically raise her. Protected her, gave her the childhood you were robbed of. You were great with the kids you mom watched." He realized too late she probably had no idea he'd snuck in to watch her a few times without her knowing.

He gently leaned into her and kissed her forehead. "I know you're afraid. I can work with that. First off, I'm never going to be 'stuck' with you. If you turn out to be the worst mom ever then we'll tackle that, with 5 other people to help us figure it out. If you were that bad then I'd take our hypothetical kid somewhere else and give you supervised visits or something until we figured it out. I mean, do you honestly think I'd be okay with just being 'stuck' in any situation? No. Neither would you."

“Not being scared of people looking a little different than yourself doesn’t mean I can raise a kid without it developing every type of mental health disorder,” Shadow points out miserably, but even that doesn’t have the same weight or bite her earlier words did. Not when his efforts are working flawlessly, as they usually do when she’s feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Not when he always seems to know exactly what to say to soothe the raw and jagged edges in her heart.

“… would you really take them away if I was too terrible at it?” She finally asks quietly, looking up at him searchingly. Normally that would be a mother’s worst fear, the thought of losing access to her own kids. But for Shadow there was a comfort in knowing that Mikey wouldn’t prioritize her feelings over their (hypothetical) safety and well being. And when he confirmed that he meant what he had said, that he would watch out for them just like he does for the other children he comes across in his travels, a knot in her chest loosened a few degrees. And she scooted a little closer to hold him a little more tightly.

Maybe that was all she really needed, then. Some pre-arranged interventions. A 12-step program of sorts that Mikey or any of the brothers could act on if old darkness or habits or ingrained subconscious reactions jumped out at some point. It was a good idea, as Mikey’s often were when problem solving tricky issues like these. And if they both went into it knowing that this was going to be A Thing… then it wouldn’t catch Mikey by surprise like it had caught her own mother, right?

Could she really allow herself to consider a future where she could try her hand at giving yet another small someone a better start than she’d had?

That idea felt too far away still. Too big and heavy to even figure out *how* to grasp. But then again, maybe that was just the physical and emotional exhaustion talking. Still… there was always at least one thing she could lean on no matter how tired and frazzled and out of sorts she was.

With her sleeping peacefully against him, his own mind shifted into overdrive. He rehashed everything she'd said, re-evaluated what he'd said. If there was a positive spin to the curse business, it was that it made him pay a hell of a lot closer attention to his emotions, second guessing himself constantly. He had to accept that while he truly felt that he would be able to recognize the damaging patterns she was afraid of repeating and step in when necessary, there was also the aggressive cowardice that surfaced when the curse went unchecked for too long that had to be accounted for.

Like her, he figured, he would have to rely on everyone else in those times. They would have to step in for him just like they would for her. It would be okay. If everyone knew all of their....tendencies...they could serve as an early warning system. It could work.

Work. Work. She was right about one thing. To be a normal person in the normal world, you needed money. Don had his ways, but Mikey had at least some pride in the idea of being self sufficient. He needed to be more serious about it. Work harder on the ideas he had. She was certainly the brains of their little operation, but after this conversation, responsibility was something they needed to share in all aspects of their lives. Neither of them should be solely in control of any one thing between them, be it kids or knowing where their next meal was coming from, or boring things like money and taxes.

Ugh. He hated boring things.

But if he wanted a family some day, and he definitely did, he was going to have to prove to Shadow that he could be responsible too, even if that meant calling out any of her inappropriate behavior (if it ever happened.) He thought he's always been pretty good at it already.

He would spoil their little niece or nephew rotten, show them how to protect themselves, always make sure things were stable so Shadow didn't have to feel like taking care of her (their) family was solely on her shoulders.

And he had to do it legitimately. With a real bank account and a real identity. Somehow.

One that was very, very tempting. After so much crying the night prior her head throbbed with dehydration. Throat raw. Eyes still uncomfortably agitated. And for a few lingering moments she relaxed back into bed and strongly considered letting the firm press of his beak into the crook of her shoulder lull her eyes closed once again.

Still, it didn’t feel like enough of an excuse to stay home. She wasn’t injured, wasn’t dying or bleeding or limping too severely to be effective at work. And the workaholic in her wasn’t *quite* soothed into compliance just because the bed was warm and soft and soothing. Just because an extra ten, twenty, forty-five minutes of dosing and drifting sounded heavenly. Just because the longer she hesitated the more her still-frayed nerves and raw heart protested the idea of facing the real world today.

No… she really did need to get up. Be responsible. Be an adult. She was over 18 now. She needed to be mature and keep going even if the child in her chest cried softly at the idea of leaving things as they were in favor of things like work and paychecks and class and homework and laundry and dishes.

This was her Big Girl Apartment after all. The place where she insisted she needed to practice being a Strong Independent Woman. And if she was going to maintain the staunch, stubborn (internally-terrified) stance that this was Good and Necessary and Right For Her to be in this space ‘alone’ (where she could feel messy and inadequate and half-formed and grotesquely bleeding from the inside out without leaving proverbial bloodstains on the Hamato carpets until she could figure out how to stem the unending flow) (not that she was truly alone for long to feel that way with how often Mikey visited) then she needed to put her money where her mouth was, so to speak. Even on hard days. And that meant… getting up and facing the day today

Heavy sigh.

“Ok baby. Time for me to get up and get dressed for my morning classes. But you can stay and sleep if you want.”