i didn't ask to be born and i'm afraid to die

I love jaywalking with strangers. They can’t kill all of us!!!

i love when old people say "dont get old" bc my first instinct is to assure them im always lowkey contemplating suicide which is absolutely not the response they are looking for

bro fell for the oldest prank in the book (sign taped on back that says “FREE USE”)

I walked up to a restaurant entrance at the same time as this guy and he held the first door for me and then I held the second door for him and he said "we call that the Midwestern two-step" with a laugh and I've been thinking about it all day.

i like the bit in soulsbornes that's like. the spin on the "chosen one" thing where there are tens/hundreds of thousands of "chosen ones" and they're essentially just sent out in droves to die like fodder. like its a bummer but is super compelling

Hey it's me, The Devil. Give yourself a choppy transgender haircut in the bathroom mirror. You'll feel so much better.

he was a sk8er boi! he was also a sk8er boi! they were gay

#I feel like we're all conditioned to give these corporatized apologies or statements for every interaction#because when you talk like a regular fucking person online it's much more easily misinterpreted by people who just want to be pissed off#you know the Tweet that's like “I like pancakes” “so you hate waffles?” “no bitch that's a whole new sentence what are you talking about”#corporate apologies and statements read the way they do because they're intentionally structured to prevent ambiguity or misunderstanding#while also conveying a certain tone that will hopefully prevent people from getting mad while they read it#and when we have to buffer everything we say with conditional statements to prevent some rando from ripping us apart over a perceived slight#everything we say starts to sound sanitized and corporate (x)