This never happened.

I accidentally nodded to my fellow gay coworker instead of waving. Corporate masculinity is a prison value mapped with streamlined synergies.

The woman at the DMV paused in a sort of startled way, told me that my skin was glowing, and asked what I was using, so I picked one of my face goops at random and spoke the name aloud, and she just said “I don’t know what that is” before proceeding to take a pretty mid picture of my mug—and that’s show biz, kid.

There’s a bin by the lobby door in my office that says “WET UMBRELLA BAGS,” and every time I walk past it I vividly imagine one of those awful Tumblr posts that manages to spread three sentences’ worth of information over twelve paragraphs starting with “LISTEN UP, WET UMBRELLA BAGS”