icon is my first cat Puna. I'm an adult trying to figure out what that means so if anyone can figure out what life or this blog is about please tell me. Multishipper. Leverage my beloved. #spoonielife. but also cool science things and memes? but also literally anything that makes me laugh? oh and a bunch of cats. good luck.
Jackie is aware that Hayden is continuing to be a dick about Ilya, and she's kind of at a loss about how to deal with it, because he won't listen to her. Or he does, but only for a little while and then he snaps back into his weird intense disapproval. (She is honestly terrified about what is going to happen when their girls bring someone home if this is some kind of foreshadowing. It's both "no one is good enough for him" and "stop stealing my things" and all of it is bad and infantilizing of a man who is basically their age)
She's not surprised to get a phone call from Shane after the two of them were supposed to meet for lunch. She sighs down the phone line. The nanny has the kids at the park, so she's just been clicking through some options for dinner on her phone. "Hey Shane. I'm guessing it didn't go well."
"He called Ilya a fuck boy who doesn't know how good he has it before we got our food." Shane says. His tone is fighting for evenness, but she can hear his frustration and actual hurt underneath.
She blows out a breath, but knows better than to apologize. She's not responsible for her idiot husband after all, as Shane protests whenever she tries. "So he was in really good form huh?"
"I'm also guessing he didn't tell you that he knew JJ was trying to surprise me with a blind date hook up and that he was helping JJ pick guys I might like?"
She blinks at the wall, and slowly says, "What the fuck."
"Yeah." Shane says, sounding so tired.
She doesn't know what to say anymore, and shakes her head, "I'll talk to him again."
"Actually," Shane says, sounding kind of hesitant, "I had an idea I wanted to run by you." And then he's tripping over himself in his usual Shane flood of words. "It's probably a stupid idea that'll just make him mad actually so maybe I should just let it all go it's really not that bad -"
"Shane" she interrupts, "tell me the idea."
He blows out a slow breath that crackles over the phone line. He sounds only a little hesitant when he starts talking again, "It occurred to me today that a lot of the stuff he was saying about Ilya could also describe you." She blinks again, and Shane continues, "I mean I know we joke around sometimes about you two meeting in a club and you did that a lot right before you met Hayden, like Ilya did. And obviously there's nothing wrong with that!" Shane is quick to say, "I don't think so anyway, and obviously neither does Hayden really, except when he can use it against Ilya -"
It's very true, what Shane is saying. While she'd been in college she'd gone to bars and clubs very regularly and enjoyed herself throughly. She'd always known she wanted to settle down eventually and have a bunch of kids (goal achieved) but that had never stopped her from enjoying herself. It's how she'd ended up in the club where she met Shane and Hayden, and how she'd been confident enough to go talk to them. And there's not one part of her that's ashamed of it.
(She has never told either Shane or Hayden that she originally approached them with the intention of talking to Shane, who had awkwardly directed her to Hayden instead. But if her husband continues to be an asshole maybe she should mention that.)
"Shane" she asks, cutting off what is surely the start of another flood of words, "are you asking me my permission to call me a club rat to my husband next time he insults your boyfriend?"
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New head canon is that Scott Hunter once fucked one of the Man in the Crease podcasters and never called him again, which is why theyβre such dicks about him
Iβm in my βShane Hollander finding a second family with the Centaursβ feelings again, so hereβs an incomplete list of headcanons I have about the things the Centaurs learn about The Shane Hollander after he joined the team:
β’ He is terrifyingly good at pool and darts. Like not fun, not casual. Itβs equal parts focus, training and an alarming amount of competitive rage.
β’ He can twerk. Very well. Apparently J.J. taught him?? Shane does NOT consider it dancing and usually doesnβt mention it, but one day the question βwho here can actually twerkβ came up and yeah, he can. Ilya is still begging him for a repeat performance.
β’ Sometimes he seems sincere and a little clueless. He is not. He is, in fact, committing to a bit solely to annoy Ilya. The best part: it works every time.
β’ He is a grumpy morning person. Silent. Judging. Once he drinks one of his absolutely cursed smoothies he suddenly turns into a functioning human again. Nobody who has tried the smoothies understands why.
β’ He believes in fair play. Strongly. Passionately. Except when he doesnβt. He has Rules about it. Rule #1: Nothing is off-limits if itβs against Ilya. This has included, but is not limited to, distracting Ilya midβarm wrestling match by kissing him.
speaking of Rose Oldest Sibling Landry I know the groupchat goes nuts when she breaks up with Shane. all three brothers texting WHAT HAVE YOU DONE experiencing every stage of grief at once. They almost had The Shane Hollander at Christmas dinner and she ruined it over the petty detail of him being unattracted to her entire gender?? Get out of the WAY, ROSE, IF YOU WONβT DO IT I WILL.
βLiam, youβre straight.β
βso?? what does that have to do with anything??β
i feel like rose wouldn't out shane even to her family, but this does offer the extremely funny idea of her just trying to do the same vague "we weren't compatible" thing and getting ROASTED for it
"hello??? you're an ACTRESS????? you can't fake a relationship long enough to bring him to thanksgiving???"
"SELFISH"
"rose, call people's choice and give them their award back. that's for serious actors, and this shit's a JOKE."
"scale of 1-10: do you think you could date elton john long enough for you to bring him to my birthday?? i feel like having elton john sing me happy birthday is a bucket list item."
"??? he's gay??"
"that's a deal breaker for you suddenly?"
"ππ. also he's gay AND married, i think."
"and? you've probably dated more gay men than his husband. you have the experience to make it work. i believe in you."
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i believe that one of the penalties shane gets a lot is unsportsmanlike conduct. in the nhl, this penalty can be issued for players who argue or challenge the refs calls. now, captains are allowed to discuss a call and rule interpretations with a ref, but you gotta be cordial.
shane βhockeytismβ hollander HATES when a ref makes a bad call. this is literally your job and youre fucking it up?? that was not slashing are you blind?? he gets heated about this, even when heβs just watching a random game. heβs shouting and cursing and making a well-informed case for why the ref is wrong.
hockey refs are notoriously bad so i guarantee shane gets into it a lot. i do think he knows when to quit so he doesnt get an unnecessary penalty but sometimes the call is so bad he cant help but be furious. his teammates have had to physically restrain him on the bench multiple times so he didnt hop the boards and scream at them.
i hope we all understand how quintessentially them it is that when yuna asks if shane and ilya have been in love since their rookie season, they both immediately go βno. no no no no noβ with disgusted faces on
Ilya is so lucky that Shane proposed. Ilya would have been a nervous fucking wreck for the entire day beforehand. Wake up in the morning. Look in the mirror. Today's the day. Sob. Breathe. Okay I'm good! Turn around and Shane's hair is all in his face, still asleep on Ilya's pillow. I am NOT good. Cold shower. Breakfast that Ilya does not eat. Morning jog wherein Ilya runs like someone is chasing him. Lunch that Ilya does not eat. Drive out to the cottage. Make Shane pull over because Ilya needs to dry heave on the side of the road. "Baby we don't have to drive out today if you're not feeling well." "NO WE HAVE TO." Get to the cottage. Immediately send Shane on some kind of extended fool's errand. Shane wants to stay because Ilya is SHAKING and he is so worried. "No my love I'm fine it's just the breeze off the lake haha." It's thirty fuckig degrees Celsius. Shane finally gtfo's. Yuna, David, Rose FUCKING Landry all descend to help Ilya set up. Well. Ilya is supposed to be helping but he is standing on the deck fully dissociating. Yuna brings him tea. "Are you going to throw up the tea?" "Yes probably." Yuna takes away the tea. 800 electronic tea lights on the deck. In a parallel Ilya has no way of understanding, he both puts on and takes off a suit. Yuna fixes his curls into the hockey boy quasi-mullet that magnetizes Shane's fingers to Ilya's hair and says, "Oh, you're so handsome!" Ilya cries big fat tears. David tells a story about how his proposal to Yuna almost didn't happen because David went to the hospital for heart palpitations that morning. Thank You David That Does Not Help Even Remotely. Ilya slav squats on the lawn for twenty minutes. Shane's car pulls up in the driveway and everyone hides while Ilya vibrates in the entryway. Shane has no less than thirty grocery bags hanging from his arms, still complaining about why the grocery service cancelled their delivery last minute. Ilya leads Shane and all thirty of his grocery bags onto the deck. Shane is doing his favorite thing (bitching) and his second favorite thing (Follow Ilya) so he doesn't notice his own mother tiptoing behind him collecting the grocery bags he drops like breadcrumbs. There is an Oscar-winning actress hiding under his sofa and Shane does not notice because Ilya takes him on the deck and drops to his knees and Shane is like, "Haha, right now?" and then he sees that Ilya has a look on his face like he's just been told the sun is never coming up again and he has his hands on Shane's knees and he is saying, "Shane. Please?" and Shane puts his hands on his head and says "Oh my God baby what's happening to you" as Ilya melts and melts and then from the depths of the cottage someone who sounds a lot like Shane's very own father is whispering "The ring the ring" and when he looks back down Ilya is fumbling a ring box out of his pocket. The first picture of their proposal is Shane glaring into the middle distance with a hand cradling Ilya's curls like a baby while Ilya ugly sobs into his knee.
imagining shane hanging out with his parents and while he's away from his phone doing something with his dad a call comes in. yuna sees this and goes, "shane, someone's calling you!"
and shane says, "who is it?"
"lily!"
"oh." shane immediately sets aside what he's doing and walks over, saying to his mom, "that's ilya."
yuna looks at him in confusion as he picks up his phone. "why is ilya saved as 'lily' in your phone?"
and shane looks at her, away, shrugs as if it's obvious and simply says, "I can't have ilya rozanov saved on my phone, mom" before answering the call with a, "hey, baby" and walking away.
leaving yuna (and david) standing shocked and, once again, shaken at how little they knew about their son and the layers of concealment he's had to operate under for years just to love who he loves.
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those big strong silly boys are always doing some weird shit with their bodies together. shane is attempting squats while ilya is clinging to his back. they're sprinting as fast as they can while barefoot on the grass at the cottage just to see who can run 100 metres the fastest. they're climbing trees and doing back flips off the dock. they're taking turns tackling each other and seeing who can hold their ground the longest. ilya's flexing his abs and telling shane to hit him as hard as he can in the stomach ("I'm not going to hit you as hard as I can" "oh my god you are so boring"). and well, of course the wrestling,
i do love and respect the idea of the world at large being stunned at finding out how long ilya and shane have been together, but i truly think that under NO circumstances would shane ever choose to offer ANY personal details about himself or their relationship willingly.
which combined with ilya loving just making things up and saying them (as seen in the "yes, the rumors are true-" scene) offers the very funny idea that ilya actively tries to offer as much privacy as possible by just throwing out stories about them at random so there IS no central story for people to hound shane about.
assorted backstories a la "ilya just started talking and found out with everyone else where he was going with this":
they got snowed in at all stars one year (b-but wasn't that year in florida?) and decided there was nothing better to do
it started as a bit and neither is willing to give up first
they paired off to combine forces like nato
they paired off to limit how many kids they could have in the future to make sure hockey stayed fair
ilya lost a bet six years ago
shane lost a bet three years ago
ilya got tired of remembering phone numbers for his hookups and shane's is easy
ilya got tired of having to look things up in english and french when talking to other people and decide to marry someone who speaks two languages to save time
shane is gifted enough (wink wink wink) that other people are cowards and only ilya was brave enough to rise to the challenge (this one gets him in trouble on the phone later but it also gets him laid that night at home and also confuses the online speculation about who tops and bottoms, so net positive tbh)
yuna hollander is the best manager in the business and a political marriage was the best way to secure her services longterm
with the end result that all shane has to do is shrug and "my husband has already told our story a thousand times by this point. no point in repeating it and boring people." in interviews to get out of people trying to dig into things he doesn't want to tell them.
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My favourite scene from The Frame-Up Job. Sophie and Nate are just watching their favourite pet nemesis throw a temper tantrum like an exhausted toddler <3
one of the funniest conversations I ever had with my ex was when they were still getting used to Celsius and asked me "what's 20 degrees?" and instead of converting it, I said "it's the highest your dad will ever let you set the thermostat and when you say you're cold he tells you to put on another sweater, we're not made of money" and they went "oh, 68"
the fact that this reference was that fucking precise was something they went on to tell people about for years.
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