"I Don't Trust Words, I Trust Actions"

Me: Maybe this sad music will help.

Recently I'm self loathing and realizing how much of a bitch I am to everyone who cares for me. It didn't hit me until my friends confronted me with an "intervention" meeting about my past behavior this summer. My lying and bad choices. And the same exact night when I get home, my dad doesn't get mad at me but "calmly" talks to me about how I've been an ungrateful child. Ofc I was annoyed at their lectures, but it's BECAUSE they care for me that they do this. That they tell me what is wrong and take their time to deal with me. They're right and yet it's SO hard for me to change. I'm spoilt. I'm a liar. I'm selfish. I'm irresponsible. And I take everything for granted. So many times I'm forgiven and still loved and I know that I couldn't get through life without them. WHY do they stay with me? With someone LIKE ME? I need to change.

I purposefully put myself in denial and run away. I don't want to look pathetic and I don't want to be embarrassed. I stop myself so I don't regret looking like a fool. But. As a result, I regret not trying, missing my chance, and fool myself into denying what I truly want. Losing something that could've been. I don't want to be hurt and so I run away. I run away and deny everything. Cut off my feelings. I've become so pro at it that I don't know what it is that I truly want until I've already lost it. I know this and yet I do the same thing over and over again. I'm sad 😢💩 It's like I'm cutting myself off.