well thats-that

if romance can be so easily medicated away was it ever really real in the first place? or just a construct in our mind devises to help our human survival?

Than I do loving and getting loved. Or perhaps it’s just the getting loved part. Ya, that one I can’t quite figure out. Not yet.

You have to be something different, strange, daring, and normally unnaceptable to the average human eye to be a good photographer. I've just learned this recently. Or all the housewives with well-off husbands and expensive cameras will take all the expensive photography classes they want, and invest in all the best glass, and push you into the background. With no bread on your table, no degree to your name, and a determination to blow them all out of the fucking water. Cameras don't make talent. Ya they help. But lenses help more. Editing doesn't make a good picture, patience for the right lighting and a keen eye does. You may like your new freelance mom job, and don't get me wrong, that's great. But some of us are actually trying to do this forever. Got that? It's an art, not a hobby you just pick up for a bit. If so, please, let me step up to your current clients and earn my next meal, or my rent. Sorry for my rant, and I know it's all been said before. Your growing talent is commendable, don't get me wrong, but us who aren't so well off, and I have learned it all on our own, are a bit pissed off with your full pockets dears.

The thing about this, is that you say you're impatient. And I know there's truth in that. And now that the wait is over, nothing changes. You want a chance at happiness? Well that's what it is, a chance. I know you care, and I know you get scared. Not frightened, but worried. You think far too much. We have a chance at happiness, so why not take it while it's at hand. Something good could work. So let it. Fucking let it.

I don't deserve you right now. My bar is the lowest it has ever been. The person I was when I met you is lost somewhere, and I can't seem to find her. This is no teenage drama. This is no i-feel-sorry-for-myself shit. I am so tired of who I've become. And before I can ever expect you to care about me, I need to be me again. I do not hate who I know I am, I hate this person, with addictions they've stopped trying to fight off. This person that is not even worth your time. Giving up is so easy. Accountability so rare, or so we think, in this modern world. But I am tired. And I am beat. All I do is fail again. So I'll lay myself in the middle of the street and soak up this night sky, so deserted in the morning. This is not me, or who I am. But fighting these things you don't know exist is getting harder and harder. I want to be who I am again. I want to be who you know. I want to be proud of myself. But I am weak. And I am tired. And I have so many problems that resurface, that I want to keep you out of it all. You may not understand. You may never understand. But I hope that someday I can be that person that you said just may be your "one."

I'm tired of people trying to convince me that someone doesn't really care about me, just so I'll take their side. I don't want to say this is how I feel, because I don't want to hurt their feelings, but dammit. Don't play mind games with me for your own benefit!

One republic running through my head. Trying to convince myself that what they say is true. But right now, I’m not sure it’s as easy as they make it sound. Happiness is all about your state of mind. But people really can’t help it sometimes. Not because of a chemical imbalance, but because we’re not perfect. Everyone is afraid to admit that they get depressed. It’s simply not socially acceptable. You wanna break a social norm? Admit to the world that you’ve had issues with sadness and self doubt. All those pictures of people smiling? That’s what we’re told life should be constantly. So what happens when it isn’t? We think there’s something wrong with us. People are afraid of people who are unhappy. People are afraid of real honest emotion. But that’s what life is about. Feeling and being honest, living a full life. And sometimes, that means we have to suffer through depression to grow.