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me: confused abt why my routine existential dread about My Current Circumstances is so chill and quiet today
my meds: that’s like. one of my main jobs, dude.
here’s your friendly reminder to take your meds!*
*even if you haven’t felt like you have “needed them” in a while— sometimes that’s because they were doing their job for you!! (obligatory i am not a doctor / do not change your meds schedule without consulting yr physician first, etc)
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I cannot find my medication and there's also cheesecake in the fridge that I would like to eat for breakfast but I cannot eat that without taking my meds and I need my meds to live but without taking my meds I can't get out of bed like why are they not in the dedicated medication spot specifically meant for my medication to be in I just want to live and eat cheesecake but I can't do this
I OD’d on serotonin last night from taking my first duloxetine lowest dose. Which has kinda happened to me before when taking amphetamines so it could have been worse. It’s still so funny to me that u can od on a chemical like serotonin ??? It’s called serotonin syndrome
"why is my life so miserable these past few days i don't get it" i say as the suspiciously unopened med bottles look at me from the nightstand
If I said I don’t feel that different off my antidepressants do we think that is due to the fact it’s summer and I have minimal stressors or were the meds not doing anything?
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2 weeks.
Pls just fucking ignore me if I act strange in any way, including aggressively, for the next 2 weeks. Ish.
So I take somewhere around 20ish meds per day, between the morning/night/PRN ones. Some I take twice a day, some I take more than that & one I take every other night.
I am currently going cold turkey off of about 15 of them of my own decision without notifying anyone. Some are physical, most are psych meds.
As a med student, I understand how tapering works, why it is important & I've tapered myself on & off tons of different meds over the past... idk, 15+ years(?) successfully without guidance. I've kept myself on the "I will quite literally die if I cold turkey these" two meds that require that & I've kept myself on a couple other meds that would really fuck me up if I cold turkey quit them...
But I'm doing it for a valid reason. Albeit I made the decision impulsively after accidentally skipping my meds 3 days in a row, I'm p sure I'll be right in the end.
Psych is one of my worst areas of study in med bc I literally fucking hate psych—ESPEEEECIALLY the psychopharmaological part of it, which is practically all fucking guesswork with trial & error & it pisses me off—but uh... majority of the meds I'm going off of are either full psych or a combo of psych/physical.
So if I act a little fucking weird or aggressive or suicidal, DON'T BE ALARMED! It'll only last for like... 2ish weeks. Then it'll be over. (I'm p sure? Mixing so many together & coming off of them all at once cold turkey makes this p unpredictable & I've already had some insane reactions but we'll stick with the 2 week rule.)
I mean. Things are going disturbingly well. Other than having suicidal breakdowns every few hours & then a horrible one at the end of the night. But the majority is up & up. Like. REALLY up. Normally my mood is SUUUUUPER level to the point I barely notice a change when things happen, but was this actually what it was like before? I can't even remember. It's been so many years. It's fine, though.
It'll be fine in the end. I just need to figure some things out before considering going back on any of them.
In the meantime, I'm older now & know myself better... and it's been at least 6 years, if not way more, since I've been in a ward. I mean, I'm p sure I'll be fine now.
2 weeks.
Just... don't mind my behaviour for 2 weeks if anything seems weird lmao. I'm hoping it won't but I've already gone & said some things I should not have here & there (not on this site, thankfully. ...yet.)
Just.
Bear with me lmao. 🫠
I cannot sleep.
I have meds to help me sleep.
I do not want them.
I want my sleep organic.
