Hey kiddos

how am i doing? oh I’m fine except i’m in a constant state of nostalgia and sentimentality over everyone I’ve ever loved and every age I’ve ever been and every phase of my life and every job I’ve worked and I’m constantly missing people and places that I can never go back to but it’s cool it’s fine

i have a reading list longer than my life expectancy

people are always saying they want a texan but they're never ready for the enrichment necessary to keep one hale and healthy. where's your chainsaw? your local woods? your power tools? tell me what you're gonna do the first time this texan tells you they made plans for your whole weekend? a texan is a lifetime commitment, and they often live well past ten years after you adopt them. think before you purchase

fuck its got a gun

that's a common breed trait, and an important reason to make sure you get to know Texans' temperaments before you adopt. one of my favorite Texan breed traits is the saddle patterning- though it's common also in the Wyoming region. One can often tell the difference by the pitch and patterns of their vocalizations!

For those who want the sturdiness of a Texan without the energy demands, I recommend a Coloradoan

*sucks air in through my teeth* It's true that Coloradans will exercise themselves, but the necessary equipment can set a prospective adopter back quite a bit. Whether your Coloradan is the outdoorsy type (and will thus need at least $1000 USD spent on a bicycle yearly) or the more stay-at-home foodie variant (who will need specific imported foods and 150% of your counterspace's surface area in appliances), they do not come cheap.

What about Coloradans who are both outdoorsy AND foodie varianted?

Honestly if you don't own a ranch or at least a farm, I don't think it's possible to support one of those. It's sad, but sometimes it's best for these high-maintenance creatures to be sent to a farm upsate

We don't need to hear about your crossbreeding, Rafe.

Some of those that breed crosses Are the same that fear hosses.

Look, none of this behavior is an issue if you all stop adopting prestige locals and get yourself a Chicagoan. They’re generally not as cute but as long as you put the ball game on like, once a week and just let ‘em yell themselves out, they’re calm and quiet the rest of the time. Occasionally you do get a weird one who wants to go to music festivals in the summer but they’re highly social; usually once you get there and buy them a beer they basically look after themselves. 

This post ran me over with a truck and laughed

THIS IS THE MOST RELEVANT THING I’VE EVER SEEN ON THE INTERNET. EVER. 

I like the fixed version better.

*saves to show to my mom any time she does this*

“I haven’t got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit!”

i can aggre with this.

I laughed so hard I gave myself an actual headache oml

This is Sugar Free Gummy Bears 2

hit person with cardboard tube

Slap someone with overly long sleeves

The unbelievably strong desire to just scream

clack tongs like crab

Hit yourself with cardboard tube

Pop bubble wrap

Crunch a leaf with your shoe