Sarcastic Music Fanatic

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

At some point in your life you will be adding garlic to a dish and you will think "that is not enough garlic." These are angels speaking. They are correct. Add more garlic.

you know what, "because i'm in pain" is a good enough reason as any. why do you want to take meds? in pain. why do you wanna cancel? in pain. why didn't you want to talk? in pain. yeah don't be a jerk to everyone you meet and expect them to welcome that. but why were you being a jerk? in pain. it's a reasonable explanation. being in pain should be enough of an explanation. it should be considered an immediate problem that we try to fix as soon as possible instead of expecting the vast majority of people alive to just get on with it.

before we start posting that july is gay wrath month let’s consider that july is disability pride month first and foremost. the “be gay do crimes” memes can wait

on another note, watched The Mummy (1999) the other day and I couldn’t help  feel like the O’Connells and the Addams (Addams Family Values (1993) would get on really well ya know? The O’Connells are basically the pastel adventure version of the Addams, surely they would just be vibin’ over tea and crumpets in an extremely haunted mansion having a ball of a time

Jonathan and Fester and Cousin Itt watch from the bar, where Lurch and Thing are making the drinks.

I know this sounds like the deranged ramblings of a senile old man but I swear it used to be possible to look up information on the internet

“my father is a boy and my mother is a girl so i’m mixed” is the funniest possible response to someone asking your gender and it came from 6’5 Viking footballer and notable weird little guy Erling Haaland on a Snapchat

Everytime this gets a note when its nowhere near christmas I question my sanity just a little bit more

No, it is July, stop that, stop giving this notes, you guys have lost reblogging privileges

At the local hamburger shop and they said yelled out “order 167!” And three middle school age kids yelled in perfect unison “ 6 7!” Life is sometimes so beautiful

If you reference 67 you deserve to be executed on the spot tbh

If I was king for a day the first thing I would do would be to sentence you to a life full of love and understanding.

I am an adjunct professor. I said a paper had to be between 6-7 pages that I assigned these freshmen. They burst into unrulyness. I laughed, then said, “Congrats. Now the paper has to be 7 pages. Thank your classmates.” Classroom order was restored immediately. Time and place.

what a delightful pest

Thanks, Tumblr.com

today I found out my mother doesn’t know what dandelions are and now I’m wondering what other strange secrets she’s been quietly harboring

Where do you live that you don’t have dandelions?

we have dandelions EVERYWHERE, they are basically our State Weed, it is absolutely impossible that my mom has never interacted with a dandelion before, this requires further investigation

See, folks in the southern US will tell you up and down those are buttercups, actually.

Wait I thought those bigger cup ones were Easter Lillies???

They’re marigolds and I know a bitch when I see one!

….we need to start taking the phrase “go touch grass” more literally. go outside and examine a flower i beg u

*squints* is that a motherfucking EVENING PRIMROSE?!??

disabled ppl we need to start lying to nosy people okay? you tell me i'm too young to need a cane and i will tell you point blank that maybe you should tell that to the guy who ran me over. you don't get an explanation of my health issues you get lies and depending on how much of an asshole i want to be that lie will be anything from a humble car crash to a 1 billion lions attack. mind yr business.