Corvidyke

birds are able to perform a great many actions, but tend not to

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

Unless you were a tech at NASA back in the day, when one time some hydrogen a) escaped in a particular building, and b) caught on fire. This was extremely difficult because hydrogen does NOT burn on the visible spectrum humans evolved to see (and flee). Rather, it technically does, but it’s so pale that in practice, no one could see it. Additionally, pure hydrogen burns without smoke and with so little ambient heat that you can’t really sense it till you walk into it. So, per the lore, for a few days all the techs in that building just walked around brandishing brooms in front of them like lances. If your broom lit on fire, congrats! You have located more burning hydrogen! Do not proceed!

i wonder what they're gossiping about

i think the thing that really stuck with me about this is the way that it frames trans women as cops for having specific words with specific definitions that have arisen out of material analysis rather than what something "feels like." just pure vibes-based reactionary nonsense from the tmras, as per usual. neologisms are a tool of last resort for serious political theorists!

just when you think it couldn’t be worse, you have to battle a creature

Okay I looked this one up. He said he talked to God, made up some songs, and lost nine kilos during his 20ish hours in the water. He was also completely nude when he was rescued.

hero’s journey

and this man? Odysseus

My Schemes Brew With a Potency Not Yet Seen on This Earth I'm Brewing Plots the Likes of Which No Wizard Has Even Dreamt I'm Moving Like the Folger's Instant Fucking Coffee Factory Bitch It's Time to Show Some Numb Nut Nobodies Who the Fuck Is Boss This Time I'll Take Nary a Strike Upon My Form I'll Be God Damn Untouchable and Shit Man You Don't Even Understand How Freshly Fortuitous My Fucking Fates Read Man I'm Getting On Some Excruciatingly Complex and Debauched Fuck Shit Man You Don't Even Know

Co-Worker Just Asked Me to Hand Him a Vise Grips and I Was Just About to Hit Him With the Erm Actually Vise Grips Is the Branded Term These Are Locking Pliers Aherm but Then I Looked at the Tool in My Hand and Saw That It Was in Fact a Vise Grips Branded Vise Grips that Vises Like a Grip

Just Goes to Show That if You Wanna Be a Smart Ass You Had Ought to Be Right First

i ❤ fact checking bold unsourced claims