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scentiment4l

I love lamps

glimpsesofpeaceful

ig credit: thenovelacademy

cycutmondie

gatheringbones

the greatest scam of therapy is bamboozling people into thinking they’re going to drag a big eraser over their lives once or twice and then transform into a stable employable marketable version of themselves that finally deserves a crumb of respect

gatheringbones

the greatest curse I could ever bestow on my worst enemy would be to make them genuinely want to become slightly less crazy 😂

gatheringbones

take the drugs talk to the shrink do the reading write the journal entries water the plants grow the green onions in the window learn to make pie crust dig a potato field kill your dad these are all perfectly good pathways to more a peaceful and dignified way to live but you are never going to be less crazy

#reminders #help

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feralkitten420

"You need to relax"

Best I can do is dissociate

lizardho

I’m reading a book on biofeedback trainings right now and they talk about this. The words “try” or “need” add pressure to stuff. Sometimes switching from “I need to calm down” or “I’m trying to slow my breathing” to “I’m allowing myself to calm down a little more with each exhale” or “I’m giving myself permission to slow my breathing” can be more helpful. There’s a difference between “try to relax the muscle” and “allow the muscle to soften” that is significant enough that for some people it can totally change the outcome of a relaxation exercise.

For other tips and tricks, instead of asking “why” you can’t change a thought/feeling (why being an offensive question, meaning it forces you to respond defensively - in this case defending the emotion you don’t like) you can ask “is there any leeway or wiggle room with this feeling/thought/belief for something else?” Oftentimes we know multiple things at once, and by allowing for a small amount of ambiguity we can start to accept the situation more fully.

#this is v much not the point of this post #but the framing of 'why' being perceived as an offense/offensive position #certainly helps clear up some issues i've had over the years #huh. much to contemplate.#rl with v

creekfiend

I understand that there is discussion of masking by autistic people that is much more honest and in-depth, but so much of the stuff I see sort of leans on the assumption that masking is something one chooses to do in order to appear "normal"

In reality, I think the behavior pattern that we name as "masking" is the natural behavioral and psychological result of being consistently punished for attempting to acknowledge your own reality during formative developmental periods. And I'm not sure that "masking" is a clarifying word to use for this

creekfiend

OK OK OK, someone in the tags said that they don't know the degree to which they are masking, bc they don't know what is normal/expected and therefore have no way of knowing how much they're altering themselves to fit into that expectation (thank you for articulating that!!) and I think that clarified a lot for me about my problems with the framing of masking.

Because that method of trying to "unmask" will always fail, bc it hinges on the assumption that there is a core underlying Self that is being Covered Up with the mask.

In reality, one does not have a chance to develop a true "self" due to the circumstances of their development. this is broadly true for almost all humans (SHOW ME AN UNALTERED TRUE HUMAN SELF,) because of the heavily social nature of how our selfhood intersects with other people's perception of us, but in some people it is much more marked and detrimental than others. What I think is the issue at hand is not the Self, but rather the internal experience. The Self is a construction we build to understand ourselves as beings, and it is heavily informed by our understanding of our own experiencs. understanding of those experiences is the actual issue. Being able to identify and name the effects that moving thru the world have on you. And teasing out how those acknowledgements of one's internal experience have been punished out of us.

The "recovering from burnout as a high masking person" post does use this framework, but I think that referring to people whose sense of their own internal reality has been so warped and shattered that they have to completely learn from scratch as "high masking" is just not intuitive and that it communicates what is being discussed... Poorly. I understand that that is the language that is used by the community broadly rn, and I don't object to individual instances of its use, but I do think that we would be better served in these conversations by framing it differently than "masking"

grison-in-space

I also see people framing even the most basic social skills (things like "tolerating mild discomfort" and "avoiding offensive phrasing of desires") as masking. At a certain point I think we have to be aware that there is a degree of curtailing one's personal self expression inherent in existing within a society, and that autistic people are not the only people who have to be aware of societal norms and contort selves to exist within them as part of experiencing that society. The difference is of course in the degree of contortion required to fit neatly into the society, not the phenomenon of having to contort in the first place.

It bugs me! And I think it creates unnecessary friction among communities of people first discovering autism and is susceptible to a weird kind of reverse curb cut effect where unmasking (== "stretching out and de-contorting from the society in which you live into a more comfortable shape") is set aside as something Just For Autistics, as if there aren't lots of groups of people whose existence is policed and shaped and bonsai-trimmed into painfully stunted or twisted shapes. Which, of course there are, and not all of them are groups where a mental health framework is remotely appropriate (e.g. constraints on the acceptable behavior of black people especially in gendered contexts), so why are we framing so much advocacy this way?

creekfiend

YESSSSSS

creekfiend

so many ppl are tagging this "ik not autistic but-" or "i havent been diagnosed but-" and then describing the exact thing i am talking about. which i think illustrates in real time why the framing of this as "autistic masking" is not serving a lot of people well. its bonsai kitten shit. its cptsd shit

its-time-to-be-silly

This discussion reminded me of hermeneutical injustice, and when I looked it up I came across the term 'tightlacing', which seems apt here:

Tightlacing consists in inducing a mistaken self-conception in others that licenses overburdening demands on them such that victims apply those demands to themselves. ... Tightlacing targets their basic sense of who they are and their sense of entitlement to conduct themselves as who they really are.

It does still centre the sense of self, but I think it speaks to the sense of 'pruning the branches of undesirable behaviour' well.

In this paper, we introduce a distinctive kind of psychological abuse we call Tightlacing. We begin by presenting four examples and argue th

creekfiend

ohhhh thats basically my bonsai kitten framework!!! i lpve convergent evolution!!!

persianmom-deactivated20260602

carl jung girl you were so right about avoidance

persianmom-deactivated20260602

“if we don't accept our own destiny, a different kind of suffering takes its place: a neurosis develops, and I believe that that life which we have to live is not as bad as a neurosis. if I have to suffer, then let it be from my reality. a neurosis is a much greater curse! in general, a neurosis is a replacement for an evasion, an unconscious desire to cheat life, to avoid something. one cannot do more than live what one really is. and we are all made up of opposites and conflicting tendencies. after much reflection, I have come to the conclusion that it is better to live what one really is and accept the difficulties that arise as a result-because avoidance is much worse.”

funeral

Carl Jung, Analytical Psychology: Its Theory and Practice (The Tavistock Lectures)

drunktuesdays

i have not stopped thinking about this goodreads review for a MOMENT since i read it. it pingpongs in my head at all times. yesterday i walked into the kitchen and i realized i hadn't washed the pot from the night before, and said coldly, "the work of a sad little man who needs to see the ocean." unreal. i know i am changed.

noknowshame

resurrected dead wife watching her own montage: wow I looked so hot in that

#Daniel Jackson #sg1 #it's been a while but tbh this feels classic Jack Harkness

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homunculus-argument

I disagree with the wording of "cooking is art, baking is science". No, art has far lower stakes than cooking - if you set out to make art, it is simply not possible to fuck up so bad that the end result would not count as art if you're still willing to call it so. It might be ugly as hell and look nothing like what you meant it to be, but art is art nonetheless. However, if you start cooking with the goal of making food to eat, it is entirely possible and actually quite easy to fuck up so bad that the end result does not count as food, as it isn't something you could or should eat.

Cooking is a science: you can, should, and even must fuck around to find out, as even if you end up making something terrible, you have now learned what happens if you do that. You have gained valuable information. And sometimes, you accidentally strike gold and have invented something tasty and awesome.

Baking is religion. You have been told how things must be done, and if you stray from the righteous path that was shown you, you just go to hell. Doesn't matter what it was that you fucked up, you go to hell forever. And if the scriptures that were given to you are somehow incorrect, you go to hell for following them. Fuck you and good luck.

sighinastorm

What's the name of that YouTube cook who looks like this?

edit:

YEAH, THAT'S HER!

cheaphalloweencostume

its actually kinda crazy that Grima Wormtongue eats a hobbit in the books

cheaphalloweencostume

like okay

cheaphalloweencostume

what’s more is that if i’m reading this correctly, the hobbit he ate is also an on-screen hobbit, like. he ate this guy

#lotr

emcapi

good evening everyone i am here to inform you about the single funniest fucking piece of fishing gear in existence

it is called a fish fighting belt/harness.

BEHOLD.

anyways i discovered this was a thing and laughed my ass off for like 5 minutes straight. you're welcome.

#Sex Machine if he left everybody tf alone and went fishing instead of being a dickhead #fdtd #bad bad men doing bad bad things #(an unintentionally hilarious tag to attach to this particular post)

kaity--did

The problem with having a child with an attorney that has spoken to the child like an adult since birth is that she's 4 years old and she's negotiating the order in which we're going to complete tasks as a family to best suit her idea of an ideal day.

kaity--did

Penny: We go home, we play the mirror game, we have dessert, we play more games, we have fun deal?

Me: Okay well actually we're going to go home, have dinner, then dessert, then we can play your video game, then tubby then bed

Penny: Okay no tubby, games first, deal?

Me: This is not - what is happening right now?

Penny: Dada?

Dada: Arbitration?

Penny: DEALS!

kaity--did

Every single thing in our lives has become a negotiation and it is frankly ridiculous as it is hilarious.

Penny: I want to use bare foot when we go outside

Me: I didn't know we were going outside but you have to wear shoes girl

Penny: okay but what about I use bare foot's but at Penny's house? This deal?

Me: you know what yeah fine if you agree to not fight about shoes when we leave the house you can be barefoot in the back yard, deal.

Penny: -sticks her hand out expectantly- we deal?

I think I just made a verbal contract with a 4 year old.

kaity--did

She's attempting to establish evidence I think

Penny: but I want to go shool pwease

Dada: okay well it is 8pm, so you have to go to sleep now

Penny: okay but I see my fwiends at shool now please, deal?

Dada: Darling no one is at school, all your friends are asleep as well.

Penny: all Penny's fwiends are sweep? What about we... get in Dadas car and check to see watch them sweep, yes deal?

Dada: I cannot begin to explain to you why that can not happen

kaity--did

The great thing about being beholden to Penny the Deals Warlock is that she is also beholden to the art of the deal

Me: (watching Penny scoot her step stool over to where we keep the candy jar): hey honey we're literally walking out the door to go get dinner, maybe we wait on the candy okay?

Penny: Oh but I will have some candy?

Me: Why don't you come have some mac and cheese and then when we get home you can have some candy, deal?

Penny: (running out the door) oh, yes this is deals!

kaity--did

We are visiting my family and Papa has quickly had to pay patronage to Penny the Deals Warlock

Papa: (yesterday morning, when Penny was a little grumpy) What about you come downstairs and we'll have some waffles and then tomorrow Papa will take you to the Diner in town for breakfast?

Penny: (extending her tiny hand to a VERY confused man) this is deal?

Papa: (not knowing hes entering a literal contract) uhm yeah deal.

-smash cut to 6:30 AM this morning-

Penny (running down the hallway in bare feet) 👹BREAKFAST DEALS👹

kaity--did

Penny has a canker sore to end all canker sores, to the point where she hasn't been able to eat so we had to make some deals surrounding getting some medicine on it because a hungry Penny Rose is like a angry demon queen

Me: Okay baby this is going to suck. This is going to hurt real bad for a second and then it's going to feel weird and then it's going to feel good. You're going to hate it. But if you let Mama get these three medicines in and on you [Listerine, Antacid, Tylenol] you can scream it out and then we'll go get some ice cream! Deal?

Penny: (obviously not thrilled with this idea) okay, three big shreams, three medicines, ice cream ... it will suck... ice cream ... deal. (Sticks out hand and we shake on it)

Me: okay let's do this I'm so sorry (starts the process)

Penny: ( In between her big screams ) IM GONNA GET LOTS OF FRINKLES

kaity--did

My husband is trying to make a deal with Penny to get upstairs and get in the bath tub

Penny: I will go upstairs and get my body clean but you hafta titch me, deal?

Dada: I would love to make this deal with you kid but I literally have no idea what you are saying- I don't know what the terms are, you're speaking a language I don't speak

Penny: you have to titch me like mama does okay DEAL!? (Sticks tiny hand out aggressively)

Dada: (looks at me bewildered for help)

Me: ( starts making a quick tick tick tick sound imitating a stop watch like I'm timing her, while penny jumps around yelling YES TITCH ME LIKE THAT)

Dada: In what world was I ever going to figure that out, thank you for acting as our legal interpreter yes deal let's go!

and off she sprints.

kaity--did

Penny does not want to go to bed, but man is it time for her to go to bed

Penny: But I don't want to be sleeping, I want to stay up now! I want to see Grampy and Cozy and Guppie and Papa!

Mama: What if we video call all the grands and say good night to everyone? If we do that will you then go to bed no fussing?

Penny: Oh yes, this is deals! -sticks her hand out to shake-

** we make the rounds and video call all her grandparents, they are all already in bed and say good night and penny hangs up the last video call and toddles into bed with minimal fussing **

Penny : (after a few minutes of silence, over the video monitor, to herself in her dark bedroom) I hafta respect da deals.

kaity--did

Every morning Penny wakes up, and she asks if we have decorated her house with "Halloween every where" and every morning I have had to tell her not yet baby but soon. This last morning Penny had to go to pre k a little earlier then she is used to cause Daddy had court and I had a dentist appointment, which made her a little bummed out... or so I thought

Me: Hey baby do you want to make a deal about school?

Penny: (immediately sticks out her hand, literally no hesitation, her entire demeanor changing in an instant) yes let's deals, I will be big and brave and go to school no fussing, and you will put Halloween every where all over my house, okay this is deals Mama??

I think I just got hustled by a 4 year old...

kaity--did

A tangentially related update :

Penny: (is doing some strange interpretive dance to let us know she's not a fan of the cup we've chosen to put her juice in, mind you this is the only clean cup at this moment. She is hopping up and down, and swinging her arm like an elephant trunk, she is pirouetting, her hands are on her hips. Shes is completely silent)

Husband: (exasperated) okay but DID you make a deal with SOMETHING while you were pregnant ? It's the only explanation I can come up with.

kaity--did

sometimes people will ask me if penny is still making deals and here is an update for you to let you know:

Husband: okay, you can not leave your room until someone comes and gets you okay? You're getting up way too early and we're guests in Papa and Guppies house so you stay and play in your room and someone will come get you when you can come out of your room tomorrow morning, deal?

Penny: (hand extended, plotting) deal

-smash cut to the next morning, penny is NOT in her room at the allotted 7:30 AM retrieve Penny Rose Time, we find her in bed cuddled up with my mom and dad watching a movie-

Penny: (hands out in a "calm down" gesture) LISTEN LISTEN I DIDNT LEAVE! I DIDNT- I didn't break da deals! I just knocked on the door until Papa came and got me.

Papa: (laughing hysterically) WELL DONT SNITCH!

Penny: I DIDNT DO NOTHING I KEPT MY DEALS! YOU JUS SAID SOMEONE HAD TO COME GET ME! PAPA COME GET ME!

(so we have to be insanely detailed in our deals because she did knock on her bed room door and yell PAPA! PAPA! PAPA! At 4:30 in the morning until my dad came and got her and you know what that's on us 🤣)

kaity--did

Yes she's still at it folks

Penny: can we watch a Pokémon?

Me: I'll make a deal with you?

Penny: -sits down at the dining room table like she's on literal trial- Listening

Me: if you can do bath time and get around for bed with literally NO FUSSING you and I can watch ONE POKÉMON in mama and dadas bed before you go to bed! IF I HEAR ONE BIT OF FUSSING POKÉMON IS OFF THE TABLE!

Penny: -folding her hands ready to counter, speaking to me like I'm losing my faculties- uhm, no deal Mama, I want Pokémon on the TV not on the table.

Me: -trying not to die- that's ...no I just mean the deal is if you fuss at all there will be NO POKÉMON TONIGHT

Penny: oh! Yes! This is deals!

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gatheringbones

Chewing on a nub of difficulty I have with anger, which is: not knowing what to do with people venting? Like, your anger is totally justified and I'm not trying to shut it down, but I don't know how to respond in a way that does anything for you, that doesn't leave you feeling frustrated and me feeling like I'm being yelled at for something neither of us have any power to change? I'm trying not to respond like I feel like I'm being yelled at, because I know the anger is justified and that it's not actually At Me. And often I'm also angry about the issue in question, but someone coming in hot with their anger makes me feel less able to access mine, and then I get stuck where I'm trying Not to do appeasement but I don't know how to leave that mindset, which is a bad time. Wondering if you have thoughts or strategies about this.

sounds like two different issues— how to respond to someone else’s anger, and how to avoid being destabilized and freaked out the presence of anger.

exposure and light and additional context are your helpers: you need the words and thoughts and emotions of angry people, who for the most part want to be witnessed and affirmed so they can actually act on the information the anger is giving them. and just because someone is mad doesn’t mean they’re going to direct it at you— time spent apart figuring out how to regulate your system so you can actually interface with angry people without shutting down will help you too.

gatheringbones

see that’s off to me: you can witness and affirm somebody’s anger without ever once getting emotionally elevated yourself. Mirroring someone’s affect and intensity isn’t the same thing witnessing or validating— the Swedish girls in Midsommar don’t actually give a fuck about the main character just because they’re screaming and sobbing and gasping right along with her.

emotional support for siblings is tough! especially when they don’t know that it’s actually okay to get as worked up as they want about something that makes them mad and it doesn’t cheapen it or lessen it in any way if another person hearing about it isn’t immediately flung into the same state. It reminds me of how I used to act when I had a hard time treating my emotions as real.

good luck!

#'mirroring someone's affect and intensity isn't the same thing as witnessing or validating'#i will take Things I Finally Learned But It Took 10 Years Too Many for 600 Alex #also the part about how witnessing/holding someone's anger is separate from the issue of not getting destabilzed by said anger!#rl with v #reminders #help

prokopetz

I have to confess every time I see that "they fucked that old man to pieces" meme there's a very particular old man I'm picturing:

prokopetz

Context for those who haven't seen the film:

prokopetz

#i watched this. why don't i remember this part. what the fuck (via @secondhand-lions)

Anastasia (1997) has a pretty weird narrative structure in that, while Zombie Rasputin is critical to the film's prologue and climax, he's almost entirely immaterial to its actual plot. The audience knows about him, but none of the major characters do, including Anastasia herself, and all of his attempts to assassinate her either fizzle before she becomes aware of them or fail in ways that can be attributed to mundane agents. From the perspective of literally everyone with a speaking role other than the bat, he pops out of nowhere in the last five minutes of the film and starts trying to kill everyone with wizard bullshit, then promptly explodes.

(The stage musical adaptation actually leaves him out entirely, which was a controversial choice in certain circles, but basically doesn't affect the story at all.)

#god i love this movie

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