my stuffed animal could woop 100 agent smiths

We Need You.

in what scientists are called “unprecedented” I just did laundry and then folded it and put it all the way on the same day.

It's about devotion and obsession. It's ALWAYS about devotion and obsession. And hunger. It's love with teeth.

"focaccia, serves 4" yes all 4 me

"tiramisu, serves 2" yes all 2 myself

Pizza, serves 8, yes I 8 it all.

the other day a friend of a friend referred to "busting out of your abdomen like the alien from the Predator films" and I was completely caught off guard. like I guess that's - that's not wrong. the alien was. okay she was in the Predator films. well some of them. but like. she had her own. she's the alien from the Alien films. like. they have her name on them. he's not "King Kong from the Godzilla films"

there's also a reason it's not called an "abdomenburster" but one issue at a time

it's like when headlines refer to a famous woman via her husband. that's not "Predator's wife" she's got her own franchise!!

Fuuuuck dude I got drunk last night and tried to take down the villain on my own and now he’s texting me some ‘I’m the only one allowed to defeat you’ shit bro what do I do

Man he just yelled ‘I want him alive’ to his goons, it’s so over.

Translation: Person behind camera; *knock down one card* “Go.” Other person;“Is your character mentally stable?” Person behind Camera; *Looks at card* “Yes” Other person; *Slaps down all but one card* “IT’S MOMO”

I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS.  THERE WERE ONLY A FEW DOZEN NOTES WHEN I SAW IT LAST.

I wonder what the Volturi monthly candle budget is

it's okay if you as a lesbian want to fuck the straight blonde popstar but you can't be pretending she's a lesbian too girl at least make it a lesbian corruption kink or some shit

are you mad that the villain identified me as the most impactful party member to mind control

I'm really not a very angry person there's just a lot of rage inside me

There's something terrible boiling bubbling under my skin ready to burst out of my chest but I'm a chill guy

i've always wanted to visit the beautiful city of chicago because i love their citation style

The existence of a safeword also implies the existence of a dangerword that you can use to instantly turn any sexual event into a combat encounter

#it exists and it's 'feel how cold my hands are'

Whenever I see someone refer to "Victorian era-" for places outside the UK I'm tempted to start saying shit like "Han Dynasty era Rome", "Soviet era Australia" etc

“Welcome to Soviet America, home of the McDonalds and Cocaine Cola. Long live Comrade Reagan.”

The Civil War, or as I like to call it, Late Tokugawa Period America

I know this is a joke but this helps me put a lot of historical periods into perspective.

"cowboys were a sort of itinerant warrior class common in meiji-era texas"

(in the middle of a heartfelt conversation, with concerning sincerity) and dont forget that I am evil, and that my death will be announced with singing in the streets