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The Cottage Series: Ilyaâs Dream (Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander/Heated Rivalry)
@bloggingfromherbed
Word Count: 883
Note: I had a dream about this last night and knew I had to write it. This is my first time writing for Heated Rivalry, so please be nice. Lol.
Ilyaâs eyes shot open, heart racing, mouth dry.
What the fuck was that?
He was well accustomed to nightmares. In fact, he had them most nights. But this oneâŚthis one was the opposite of a nightmare.
Shane was still sound asleep, so Ilya closed his eyes, trying to commit the dream to memory, which he knew heâd forget parts because thatâs what happens when you try to remember dreams, pieces get jumbled.
He could see Shane sitting on the floor in a cozy bedroom that he had never seen before. Shane seemed to be talking but he couldnât hear anything he was saying. Just then he saw himself walk in, squeezing Shaneâs left shoulder and handing something to him. Ilya watched as he sat beside Shane, pulling him closer to kiss the freckles on his cheek.
Thatâs when Ilyaâs eyes adjusted to the scene that was playing out in front of him: Shane is folding tiny baby clothes and behind him there is a beautiful handcarved bassinet where a newborn was asleep.
A baby. His and Shaneâs baby.
Shaneâs voice finally broke through in the dream. He was talking about how long the baby had slept and when the next feeding would be.Â
His head turned to the bassinet when he heard the unmistakable noises of a baby crying. âShhhâŚâ Ilya heard himself in the dream. He stood, made his way to the baby. âHey, hey, Papaâs hereâŚâ He said as he reached into the bassinet to pick up the baby.
As he was about to really look at the baby, thatâs when he woke up.
Was this seriously something his brain was throwing in? It was only 4 days ago they had come up with a plan to start a charity, to get Ilya out of Boston and to Ottawa after this next season, and declared their love for each other. Oh, and Shane not only came out to his parents, but announced that he and Ilya had been seeing each other off the ice for close to 7 years on-and-off now.
He never thought about having kids. He was indifferent about them. Most of his teammates had at least one kid, if not more. He wasnât around them much, but when he was, they all seemed okay. Shane had mentioned his teammates' kids, but it was Haydenâs kids (well, Hayden in general if Ilya was being totally honest) that had given Ilya pause as to the kid question.
Ilya had always been careful when it came to sex. Condoms were a must with both men and women. He had seen enough times when teammates had an issue with random hookups, exâs or mistresses. He never wanted to deal with that.
He didnât think he wanted biological children, too much family baggage there, but he would love to see a couple of little Hollanderâs running around, helping to lace up their skates for the first time, getting them out on the ice, if they wanted to, that is. Raising them with the love and support Ilya never had growing up.
Ilya couldnât explain the ache he felt upon this realization.
Fuck, he didnât even know if or when this would be possible. When would he and Shane be able to come out and to have that life or any other kind of life together? Could be another 10 years or more.
He just knew that The Cottage kept providing more and more eye opening opportunities for Ilya. He would have a lot of work ahead of him to get to where he felt like bringing this up to Shane.
Ilya didnât want to wake Shane, so he quietly snuck out of bed, picked up the cigarettes and lighter from the kitchen table and made his way outside.
Ilya was grateful that Shane had invited him here. Opening up his safe place to him truly made him feel like for the time he belonged somewhere, that he belonged to someone, that he had a family.
Ilya thought back over the last year, all the stupid games they played instead of owning up to their feelings. There were so many times Ilya had set his mind to breaking it off, but there was always this pull to Shane, always something that was unsaid.
Just then he heard the door open and soon felt Shaneâs hands on his shoulders, sliding down to rest on his chest. âCouldnât sleep, huh?â Shane asked as he leaned down to place a kiss on Ilya's neck.
âNo.â
âBad dream?â Shane questioned.
âNo. Opposite of bad.â He stopped himself from saying more.
Shane draped a blanket over his shoulders, before he sat beside him.
âThatâs goodâŚâ Shane placed a kiss on his temple.
They stayed there, watching the sunrise, Shaneâs head on Ilyaâs chest. Peaceful.
Ilya was finishing his second cigarette of the morning when Shane suggested they go back to the nice warm bed and continue their exploration of each other.
He loved that suggestion.
Ilya stamped out his cigarette and followed Shane back into the house, closing the door behind him.
Not today, probably not in the next few years, but one day, heâd tell Shane about this dream.
For now, Ilya was just going to keep soaking up all the love and pleasure Shane had to offer.
this is Ampersand Island. every time I come across a beautiful, interesting, or unusual ampersand in my archival travels I take a screenshot and place it neatly in this little pile on my desktop
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ââââââââââ ââââââââââââââ âââââââââââââââââââââââââââââ âââââââââââââââââââââââââââââ ââââââââââââââââââââââAre you with me ?
ââââââââââ ââââââââââââââââââ âââââââââââââââââââââââââââââ âââââââââââââââââââââââââââââ ââââââââââââââââââââââââââââââ ââââââââââââââââââââââAll the way.
âHow could you begin? I can comprehend your going on charmingly, when you had once made a beginning; but what could set you off in the first place?â
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anyway good morning a crucial tenet of hollanovâs relationship is that theyâre equals and theyâre the only people in the world who could ever be each otherâs equal. they were supposed to stand alone at the top but theyâre there together. shane does not view ilya as a lazy useless inconvenience. ilya does not view shane as a nagging killjoy. they are equals and they both think the other is the best thing since sliced bread and they love each other but more importantly they LIKE each other. stop making them not like each other!
like ilya spends his entire life being told (by people objectively shittier than he is) that heâs not good enough, heâs lazy, heâs undisciplined, he lets people down. and then he meets the one person who would actually be in a position to assess whether ilya is any of those things, and shane just earnestly looks into his fucking soul and says no, they were wrong. âyouâre an awesome player to watchâ âi donât know that side of you at allâ âthis isnât what this is. me and youâ
and itâs such a fucking tragedy that people are trying to push MyIlya back into a setting where heâs constantly being lectured about his inadequacies by the very person that canonically reminds him all the time that those inadequacies were figments of his dadâs imagination
something so many people in this fandom seem to forget is that depression isn't cured by love. ilya will go through his life with a supportive team, an adoring husband, wonderful friends and in-laws, and he's still going to have days where he doesn't want to get up. he's still going to be angry at himself for not being better despite everything. he's still going to flinch when he sees pill bottles and knives and wonder if he laughs like his mother. through therapy and being honest and maybe medication, those days are going to be less frequent until maybe they barely happen at all. but they're still going to happen, because ilya is still depressed, and you can't love the depression out of someone
every time a young gay person quits smoking or makes the decision that they want to quit, the sun shines on us all with the promise of happiness and beauty.
i appreciate everybody thatâs sharing the sentiment that itâs good for anyone to quit smoking (it is) but i very specifically wanted to highlight and encourage LGBTQ youth because lesbian, gay, and bisexual people are about 1.5 to 2.5 times more likely to smoke cigarettes than heterosexual people, and the statistics for transgender people are even higher than cisgender people. this is due to tobacco companies marketing heavily and aggressively to LGBTQ communities and exploiting the higher rates of mental health struggles prevalent in our communities.
i want and hope to see all my LGTBQ people live long, healthy, fulfilled lives despite how predatory and punishing this world can be. you should stay around as long as you can to make it a little better in your own way.
I wanna specifically shoutout trans men here because back in the day (I donât know if itâs still prevalent) there was quite a common rumour going around that smoking could make your voice deeper, which meant a huge upstick in young trans men taking up smoking.
So, if any trans men are being told about this, itâs not true!! Smoking will not change your voice, at least not until youâre about forty years down the line and youâve already irreparably destroyed your lungs and throat and mouth and pretty much every other organ in your body. When you hear heavy smokers with deeper, scratchier voices it is literally because their vocal cords have been ruined. This is not a passive effect of smoking, it is a very very damaging one!
Itâs simply not worth it! There will be no meaningful changes except terrible ones. Voice training will do a lot more for you than cigarettes will, I promise that the people urging you to start smoking as a voice training method do not have your best interests at heart!
(And you know what, this also goes for not eating due to the idea that starving yourself will decrease your chest size. Like with smoking, there will be no meaningful changes except terrible ones. Your body is worth so much more than that and there will always be healthier alternatives!)
I wanna see trans people thrive, and one day when things get better and youâre able to start your transition, youâll want a body that will last as long as possible so you can enjoy every little moment of your life. Please take care of yourself!!
As for trans women and other trans people taking estrogen HRT, smoking has been proven to reduce or even cancel out the effects of estrogen on the body. If you quit smoking, your transition will be faster, fuller, and smoother. I know that it's hard, but your boobs will thank you!
(Btw, afaik smoking only has this effect on estrogen from HRT. Estrogen that AFAB bodies produce naturally is not affected, so smoking is still bad for trans men)
In addition (and this applies to all trans people), smoking increases risks of complications during surgery, so doctors might refuse to let you get whatever surgeries you want if you smoke. They'll at least tell you to quit for a while beforehand, which will be easier to do if you'd already quit to begin with.
The not smoking before surgery thing is no joke. I met a guy once who stopped smoking at the time his surgical team recommended and they STILL had to call off the surgery because his oxygen was too low. Can you imagine finally getting your GCS/top surgery/FFS date but then waking up and itâs still there?? (IIRC heâs fully quit now and he got his top surgery with no issues because of it!)
I think also in that conversation, I had a couple people tell me that the book The Easy Way to Quit Smoking is, despite the gimmicky title, genuinely helpful.
If quitting for yourself seems too abstract and itâs hard to care, think about everyone around you. Someone with asthma or migraines will breathe easier if theyâre not risking an attack from standing near you.
Lastly, some queer history: a 90âs tobacco marketing campaign that targeted gay men was literally called Project SCUM. Thatâs what they think of us. Donât give them your money.
The tobacco industryâs marketing has âsystematically targetedâ the LGBTQ community for decadesâŚ
There's a different kind of disparity in the LGBT community that is often overlooked: disproportionately high smoking rates.
sometimes people experiencing psychosis and/or mania will come up to you on the street and talk in confusing or upsetting ways. your job is to either have a regular human-to-human conversation with that person or politely leave. your job is not to call 911. do not call 911. you might kill that person if you call 911.
I don't even have the energy to screenshot and respond to your tags- what the actual fuck is wrong with you? "the cops are scared and rightfully so" "mental health calls are the scariest for cops" OH so this isn't about the safety of psychotic & manic people this is about piggy feelings?
and no, actually, this is not USA specific and no, actually, people from other countries should not ignore this post. police violence and sanism weren't invented in the US and they are certainly not unique to here. if you (or anyone) thinks that this bullshit doesn't happen elsewhere then you are not listening.
This is legitimately useful reframing. A while ago I started replacing the word "cop" in my vocabulary with "a man with a gun." It really puts things into perspective.
This homeless person is making me uncomfortable. Should I call [a man with a gun]?
My neighbor is having a loud party. Should I get [a man with a gun] involved?
There are some teenagers skateboarding. Do you think [a man with a gun] would get rid of them for me?
It makes it very clear what you're saying. I can call a man with a gun to threaten or hurt someone mildly inconveniencing me. You're not calling the cops, you're calling A MAN WITH A GUN into a situation that does not warrant a firearm handled by a volatile lunatic who will not be held accountable for his actions.
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one day ilya gets to post a side by side of fat baby shane and fat baby hollander-rozanov, âjust like her daddyâ and itâs fat baby hollander-rozanov chewing on a puck plushie
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