shakespeare's english kings ranked by how bad they should have been at the club, by someone who is not a historian and has never been clubbing
henry v: the thing is that hal was at the club and it didnât change anything. hal was at the club and it didnât save him. but it matters. it matters that he was at the club. and kingship simply isnât proper hal husbandry. you canât keep a killer whale in a zoo. did nobody see free willy. yes heâs the mirror of all christian kings and he has the incredible rookie win streak of lightning mcqueen in the first cars movie but look at him heâs a shell of a man he needs 100ccs of EDM right now
richard ii: i need you to understand that richard ii died at age 33. he became king at age 10 and he was deposed at 32-ish and he died at 33. this motherfucker should NOT have been doing ANY of that he 100% should have been at the club. are you kidding. in shakespeare itâs not like he was actually running anything anyway. and the historical r2 was wayyyy more into art than governance or war, so really everyone would be better off. man shouldâve been doing uppers to olly alexander songs and sponsoring new up-and-coming DJs, maybe one of whom is working on a 24-track album themed around a bunch of clubgoers telling their life stories while they all try to navigate public transit
edward iv: all this guy ever really wanted to do was drink, eat, and fuck. i know he would be taking fat bong rips if he could. however he did die at age 40 which is tilting past the point where i think, âwow, you shouldnât have been doing that shit.â still, he would have enjoyed having stand-up sex with someone in the bathroom
henry vi: i know what i just said, and i know henry vi died at 49, but let us be for real: he absolutely should not have been in the government. he should have been anywhere else. however we must also be for real in acknowledging that henry vi would not like the club and would not want to be there
henry iv: i donât think henry iv would particularly like the club either, but as i understand it, he was a pretty sociable and likable dude before he got himself into all of that. nevertheless, heâs a step below h6 because he got himself into all of that, whereas h6 needs some kind of rescue intervention
richard iii: richard iii died at 32, which does incline me toward thinking he would benefit. but he said himself that he isnât shaped for sportive tricks, so maybe being at the club watching everyone else dance and flirt would simply fuel his deep-seated resentment toward society. at least the club is 18+, so there are no killable or marriageable teens in the vicinity, and perhaps doing some lines behind the bar would have fixed him
king john: nobody liked king john and he didnât have fun. i donât think the club would have helped
henry viii: henry viii was basically already at the club for his entire tenure as king and there were casualties. people died because of the tudor courtâs levels of At The Club. i firmly believe he would get thrown out for drunken sexual harassment
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