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“Since the Tower of Tomes. The first time around. You did make it there that night, you just don’t remember. I suppose you can gather why, at this point.”
“But — but that’s years! It’s been years, and this is still the best plan I’ve come up with? Seriously?!”
“Well,” Qifrey says dismally, “you tend to only have minutes to work with each time you actually know the problem exists, so… give yourself a break in that regard, at least.”
Olruggio runs an agitated hand through his hair, rubs harshly at his neck. “How am I spending my days tinkering with contraptions for spoiled, scheming nobles, when you’re…” Some new thought seems to strike him. He stands very still. “...Qifrey. Don’t lie to me about this. Are you dying?”
“Most of the time? Only a little more so than you are. Right now? …a bit more. I must admit.”
there really is something so deliciously sick and twisted about the fact that qifrey has one of the best witches of their generation unflinchingly, completely in his corner, just down horrendous in every way, and yet that guy is hampered by the fact that he can only know what the problem actually is for about five minutes at a time and he spends most of those five minutes processing the fact that the most important person in his life is terminally ill
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meant to finish the edit on the fake married zeblue fic today. started a whole new zeblue wip and two new wha ones in addition to the ones I already had on the go instead. my failures are beyond number and without end
update: not only did I not finish the edit neither yesterday nor so far today either, I in fact started yet another wha wip instead. why am I like this
in one aspect I guess it's a good thing that qifrey has now spent so long learning how to manage enormous and unremitting feelings of guilt, because you KNOW that when/if olruggio ever gets all his memories back his immediate reaction is going to be '...you're telling me I left you alone with this for TWENTY YEARS???? THAT was my grand plan???? 🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭😭😭😭'. you cannot stop this guy from going 'I think this might be my fault actually' at the drop of a hat at the best of times, but I believe in qifrey's ability to talk him through it at this point, he's seen this room he's walked this floor ad nauseum he knows the territory
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I’ve been thinking a lot about Olruggio and masks. Especially after Shirahama helpfully gave us the image of him quite literally putting on a mask to go to work and perform his public self, in case we were having trouble picking up what she was putting down lol, BUT I think to a certain extent and with no malicious intent, even the Olly of the atelier — Qifrey's Olly as he functions day to day in the now — is a little bit of a mask as well. Behind even that there's a watchful eye (if you'll pardon me the word choice) that's looking out and taking care not to be watched too closely in return. After reading the whole manga, I think this Olruggio might be closest to the core of who he is of all we’ve gotten to see so far:
The kindness, the warmth, the goofiness, the flash and brilliance, the bursts of perhaps worrying intensity bordering on desperation ala ‘y’know I know what I said but I think it’s time to just burn this whole fucking forest down’ or ‘you’re okay I’m okay (I can still be a witch I can save people I have to save everyone)’; those are all also true. But I think this is at the heart, and it shines through to where we can see so rarely. He’s been at this for a long time: he had hiding it down to an art already at the tender age of like eleven. If you’re anything like me, he’ll have you as a reader bought into it for the longest time, even when you’re really paying attention and love this kind of character. I don’t think it’s coincidental that the chapter 77 cover is for a part of the story where his ability to present himself, play a certain role (the one of a witch, of a competent adult, the person who can come in and help and not need help themselves) is compromised by a broken, traumatized part of his mind getting triggered and roaring to the surface on him, and it makes him stare into nothing, lose focus. Something frozen and watchful lives under the surface.
A thing about Olruggio is that he knows who he is, I think -- indeed, his whole plan for keeping Qifrey TreeFree TM is predicated on self-knowledge, his understanding of how he himself will think and feel and behave. (See also that one cover that’s Olruggio in the middle of changing frames while staying completely constant himself etc.) And as a child he chose a very different path to get to keep his self than Richeh did, for example: where she stubbornly, bravely, held on to herself in the face of everything that wanted to dismantle her, in active defiant opposition, Olruggio hid his real self where no one could find it or suspect it even existed, that what they were getting from him wasn’t it. It’s somewhere in there behind the smile. He will slip away like so much smoke if you try to get too close. But there is one person in the world he wants to be seen by and to see completely.
That's a layer of tragedy with the whole Olufrey situation that gets me so badly — not only Qifrey, who wanted so badly to never have to lie again to Olly specifically, but also that Olruggio can never be completely honest even with the person he loves the most because Qifrey can't receive it or reciprocate as things stand right now. (because. of the fucking tree. we always return. to the fucking tree. the tree is the metaphor for trauma and how it can put down roots and linger in us lest we forget but also. a fucking tree.) He is who he is these days partially because it’s who Qifrey needs him to be, it’s what (it seems like) Qifrey can handle from him. Olruggio of the Torch is his public persona, Olly is his private persona... and there *is* something else and more under that too. Something which I don't think anyone but maybe Qifrey at the end of it all would be allowed to see or know, but that nevertheless aches to be Beheld and safe in that beholding.
which is not to say that I think Atelier Olly is like a fake thing he puts on or anything -- it's certainly much closer to the truth than Mr. of the Torch haha. Far nearer the heart of the onion as it were. But. There's a little bit of a lie only a friend would tell to it. Which like… not even a bad, manipulative, always undesirable or entirely unhealthy thing necessarily! There are parts of yourself that have no place in your relationship with your children for example. You don't want to expose them to the rawness of your trauma — that's not their responsibility or within their capacity to hold. As he himself says, there are lessons he’s in no hurry to teach them. It's not inherently an act of deception or sign of ill health in itself to exist in many layers; that’s just being a person. (hey. guess who olly is the main foil for btw. lmao. mr frames within frames of himself logging on to the containing multitudes contest and finding only one credible opponent: his best friend and other half of his soul. Unstoppable force marries immovable object and make a perpetual motion machine of misery out of it to use as life support news at 11.)
But I do think the longing to be known fully and wholly by someone and know them in return, and the grief of not finding a way there is so fundamental to the Qifrey and Olruggio relationship, and to what grieves them individually and together. Cue that trusty old The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo quote about intimacy, right. ‘People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is 'you're safe with me'- that's intimacy.’ And Olruggio knows this! At like twelve years old, he already knew this completely!!!! He knew to want to be that to someone, to have that with someone, he already knew that’s what he wanted to be with Qifrey. And Qifrey wants that back, so much that it’s driving him slightly mad, and yet. And still. The Tree. and necessary masks over skinless truths.
if there's one thing I love better than an 'emotional support trickster with emotional intimacy issues and queer coding/longsuffering life partner with devotion is the best drug disease' pairing, it's finding out that a pairing has actually secretly been a two way emotional support trickster with emotional intimacy issues and queer coding/longsuffering life partner with devotion is the best drug disease situation all along. anyway. olufrey
“There was no question of forgiving them. She had not, in any case, a forgiving nature; and the injury they had done her was not done by them. If she were to start forgiving she must needs forgive Society, the Law, the Church, the History of Europe, the Old Testament, great-great-aunt Salome and her prayer-book, the Bank of England, Prostitution, the Architect of Apsley Terrace, and half a dozen other useful props of civilization.”
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meant to finish the edit on the fake married zeblue fic today. started a whole new zeblue wip and two new wha ones in addition to the ones I already had on the go instead. my failures are beyond number and without end
I went swimming over the weekend and have the big time fandom brainrot, so here are some headcanons and little ficlet ideas I had for the Witch Hat cast around that general theme!
— Olruggio teaches the girls what to do if they fall into ice water and exposes them to it in a safe environment so they'll know how it feels — this is considered a standard part of childhood education in Ghodrey, and Coco ending up in the river early on made him push this lesson further up the list of priorities. He makes them first get the sense for what it's like to be in water in their apprentice clothes at normal/comfortable temps, then in ice water. (In the swimming classes of my youth getting a feeling for swimming while fully dressed in case you ever fell in accidentally was a staple. I am a strong swimmer and could absolutely do it, but wet fabric is heavy af folks, it tires you out quickly and it’s easy to panic if you don’t know what to expect. Shuddering to think how Olruggio's big velvet cape would weigh him down if submerged, hopefully it's easy and quick to unfasten and release. The fur coats we see them wear up north would be even more of a hindrance, so presumably he’s thought of it.)
The link rings come in very handy to make sure this process is as safe as it could possibly be (hypothermia is no joke). Man for people with long thick hair like Richeh those things must be a godsend. (ask me how i know :’) all my years actively swimming I had long hair some weeks it barely ever dried ) Agott declares the cold plunges ‘refreshing’ and ‘a good way to clear your head’ between teeth tightly clenched to stop them from chattering.
— They make a pool close to the atelier with magic :) both for this practice and to cool down on very hot days. Tetia makes a little area of sand around the pool. if you don't want to pop open the windowway to go to a beach, make the beach come to you
— Agott, having grown up by a lake, knows proper swimming technique and teaches the others. Coco can swim a little: all the kids in the village learned doggy paddle-levels of it at least in a small lake in the local woods, and she's fairly confident in water. Richeh did not learn how to swim before she came to the atelier (a lot of Great Hall based and taught witches never do, ironically) and Olruggio is the person who taught her how to float on her back despite the fact that having quite skinny legs, this is something he struggles with a bit himself unless he adds some movement (Based On A True Story, my dad taught me to swim and has this issue haha), Tetia is a decent if distractible swimmer, Qifrey of course cannot swim and will not swim do not ask him any more questions lol, and Olruggio is a strong swimmer and is the one to teach the girls along with Agott. Ghodrey has a culture of ice bathing + saunas. (It's a little bit Fantasy Finland coded to me for some reason)
(presumably the Librarians don't teach their kids to swim in the lake full of monsters, but I hope they have the sense to make sure they can swim nevertheless. It feels very Great Hall to consider themselves to have mastered water through spellcraft and disdaining learning to interact with it as outsiders would, though.)
— Despite learning how to swim being standard for a Ghodrey childhood, Olruggio actually became as competent a swimmer as he is only after becoming best friends with Qifrey — that guy is NOT drowning on his watch haha.
— Headcanons for what swimming strokes everyone prefers/is best at: Agott — Crawl (it's the fastest and most efficient), Coco — eventually has a decent crawl but prefers the breaststroke (she finds it easier to time her breathing with it), Tetia — Butterfly (it's big and dramatic and exuberant if not the most practical and has a cute name lol), she also spends a lot of time under water just mermaid swimming around meanderingly to explore and have fun, where Agott is an arrow of pure and mirthless purpose on the surface, Richeh -- Back stroke (she doesn't like letting water close fully over her face and she uses the froggy kicks instead of the ‘standard’ ones), eventually she gets the hang of a form of breaststroke where she doesn't let her head go under the surface and gets frighteningly quick at it, queen of doing it her own way and with panache, Olruggio is an all rounder but sticks with crawl and breaststroke, mostly. Qifrey is Mr. 'N/A', his one and only move in water is ‘drown’
— Playing on the artificial beach -- Tetia makes sandcastles, trying to make a smaller 'cuter' version of Beldaruit's sand slide castle as a water slide. Richeh makes 'water ribbons' that sparkle in the sunlight. They probably create a diving tower with the sand construction method Olruggio uses to rebuild the bridge (and that Agott memorized), but Qifrey and Olruggio keep a very stern eye on how tall they're allowed to make it lol.
— Qifrey stays far away from the water himself — I imagine him sitting under a parasol in a heavy duty rainward spell daintily peeling fruit for lunch or something haha — but shows off a lot of cute little water spells to the girls for their entertainment and education. He makes it a wave pool for them, gently picks them up in a globe of water and drops them down into the pool again while they squeal with laughter, twirls them around in careful little whirlpools, creates bubbles for them to swim through. these kinds of things. (This also helps them experience stuff like what it's like to be caught up in a current in a safe environment.) The other girls show Coco the water spell that's the 'standard' solution to the first test (with some time spent working through Richeh's trauma around it :') ), and they use it for surfing.
— I just think Qifrey watching the girls find such joy in something he personally finds horrifying and scarring would be nice okay. His relationship with water is probably never going to be healed but to see the children have no fear or hurt associated with it, even have fun with it, might be the closest he’ll ever get.
— Brushbuddy is mostly in the shade with Qifrey snacking on fruit, living its best Brushbuddy life
— my god. they're not allowed to know lifesaving stuff at all I guess. does that count as 'medical knowledge'. probably huh. help. that's fucked up. let's say Coco knows a little and everyone's like '...well there's another thing not to tell the knights moralis but good to know’. wow that's an element of Olruggio saving Qifrey from drowning I hadn't thought about -- witches might not exactly know how best to save someone from drowning. He just went for the first and best spell he hoped would do it and thankfully it did.
— When day at the fake beach episode comes to an end, Qifrey does the big water dragon spell to send all the water away so it won’t stand there as an open invitation to insects and algae; Olly sometimes fills the dragon with light so it sparkles as it goes. (Their first iteration of the boilfire dragon was also like this, Olruggio refused to make it out of boiling water before they knew they knew what they were doing haha, so they have a lot of practice at it.) This can sometimes be seen as far away as Kalhn. During very dry summers he has a deal with nearby farmers to water their crops, as well — why not do so in style, every now and then.
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