Until the wound becomes a window

The kindness, the warmth, the goofiness, the flash and brilliance, the bursts of perhaps worrying intensity bordering on desperation ala ‘y’know I know what I said but I think it’s time to just burn this whole fucking forest down’ or ‘you’re okay I’m okay (I can still be a witch I can save people I have to save everyone)’; those are all also true. But I think this is at the heart, and it shines through to where we can see so rarely. He’s been at this for a long time: he had hiding it down to an art already at the tender age of like eleven. If you’re anything like me, he’ll have you as a reader bought into it for the longest time, even when you’re really paying attention and love this kind of character. I don’t think it’s coincidental that the chapter 77 cover is for a part of the story where his ability to present himself, play a certain role (the one of a witch, of a competent adult, the person who can come in and help and not need help themselves) is compromised by a broken, traumatized part of his mind getting triggered and roaring to the surface on him, and it makes him stare into nothing, lose focus. Something frozen and watchful lives under the surface.   

A thing about Olruggio is that he knows who he is, I think -- indeed, his whole plan for keeping Qifrey TreeFree TM is predicated on self-knowledge, his understanding of how he himself will think and feel and behave. (See also that one cover that’s Olruggio in the middle of changing frames while staying completely constant himself etc.) And as a child he chose a very different path to get to keep his self than Richeh did, for example: where she stubbornly, bravely, held on to herself in the face of everything that wanted to dismantle her, in active defiant opposition, Olruggio hid his real self where no one could find it or suspect it even existed, that what they were getting from him wasn’t it. It’s somewhere in there behind the smile. He will slip away like so much smoke if you try to get too close. But there is one person in the world he wants to be seen by and to see completely. 

That's a layer of tragedy with the whole Olufrey situation that gets me so badly — not only Qifrey, who wanted so badly to never have to lie again to Olly specifically, but also that Olruggio can never be completely honest even with the person he loves the most because Qifrey can't receive it or reciprocate as things stand right now. (because. of the fucking tree. we always return. to the fucking tree. the tree is the metaphor for trauma and how it can put down roots and linger in us lest we forget but also. a fucking tree.) He is who he is these days partially because it’s who Qifrey needs him to be, it’s what (it seems like) Qifrey can handle from him. Olruggio of the Torch is his public persona, Olly is his private persona... and there *is* something else and more under that too. Something which I don't think anyone but maybe Qifrey at the end of it all would be allowed to see or know, but that nevertheless aches to be Beheld and safe in that beholding.

which is not to say that I think Atelier Olly is like a fake thing he puts on or anything -- it's certainly much closer to the truth than Mr. of the Torch haha. Far nearer the heart of the onion as it were. But. There's a little bit of a lie only a friend would tell to it. Which like… not even a bad, manipulative, always undesirable or entirely unhealthy thing necessarily! There are parts of yourself that have no place in your relationship with your children for example. You don't want to expose them to the rawness of your trauma — that's not their responsibility or within their capacity to hold. As he himself says, there are lessons he’s in no hurry to teach them. It's not inherently an act of deception or sign of ill health in itself to exist in many layers; that’s just being a person. (hey. guess who olly is the main foil for btw. lmao. mr frames within frames of himself logging on to the containing multitudes contest and finding only one credible opponent: his best friend and other half of his soul. Unstoppable force marries immovable object and make a perpetual motion machine of misery out of it to use as life support news at 11.)

I went swimming over the weekend and have the big time fandom brainrot, so here are some headcanons and little ficlet ideas I had for the Witch Hat cast around that general theme!  

— Olruggio teaches the girls what to do if they fall into ice water and exposes them to it in a safe environment so they'll know how it feels — this is considered a standard part of childhood education in Ghodrey, and Coco ending up in the river early on made him push this lesson further up the list of priorities. He makes them first get the sense for what it's like to be in water in their apprentice clothes at normal/comfortable temps, then in ice water. (In the swimming classes of my youth getting a feeling for swimming while fully dressed in case you ever fell in accidentally was a staple. I am a strong swimmer and could absolutely do it, but wet fabric is heavy af folks, it tires you out quickly and it’s easy to panic if you don’t know what to expect. Shuddering to think how Olruggio's big velvet cape would weigh him down if submerged, hopefully it's easy and quick to unfasten and release. The fur coats we see them wear up north would be even more of a hindrance, so presumably he’s thought of it.)

The link rings come in very handy to make sure this process is as safe as it could possibly be (hypothermia is no joke). Man for people with long thick hair like Richeh those things must be a godsend. (ask me how i know :’) all my years actively swimming I had long hair some weeks it barely ever dried ) Agott declares the cold plunges ‘refreshing’ and ‘a good way to clear your head’ between teeth tightly clenched to stop them from chattering. 

— They make a pool close to the atelier with magic :) both for this practice and to cool down on very hot days. Tetia makes a little area of sand around the pool. if you don't want to pop open the windowway to go to a beach, make the beach come to you

— Agott, having grown up by a lake, knows proper swimming technique and teaches the others. Coco can swim a little: all the kids in the village learned doggy paddle-levels of it at least in a small lake in the local woods, and she's fairly confident in water. Richeh did not learn how to swim before she came to the atelier (a lot of Great Hall based and taught witches never do, ironically) and Olruggio is the person who taught her how to float on her back despite the fact that having quite skinny legs, this is something he struggles with a bit himself unless he adds some movement (Based On A True Story, my dad taught me to swim and has this issue haha), Tetia is a decent if distractible swimmer, Qifrey of course cannot swim and will not swim do not ask him any more questions lol, and Olruggio is a strong swimmer and is the one to teach the girls along with Agott. Ghodrey has a culture of ice bathing + saunas. (It's a little bit Fantasy Finland coded to me for some reason)

(presumably the Librarians don't teach their kids to swim in the lake full of monsters, but I hope they have the sense to make sure they can swim nevertheless. It feels very Great Hall to consider themselves to have mastered water through spellcraft and disdaining learning to interact with it as outsiders would, though.)

— Despite learning how to swim being standard for a Ghodrey childhood, Olruggio actually became as competent a swimmer as he is only after becoming best friends with Qifrey — that guy is NOT drowning on his watch haha.